I Want A Normal Life.........

[Dagmar]

My whole life has been in surfival mode from the beggining of my life.

I am a suviver of torture, I am now 58 years old and after numerous relationships after my first husband who is now serving 19 life sentences I have given up.

I go through bouts of depression so bad that I don't socialize any more,I even work from home. I have two buddies, a cat and a dog. I trust animals but not people! I have tried counselors but never thought any of them understood plus it would make my depression worse. I have tried the drugs they prescibed but all of them knocked me out.

I feel very alone right now and worse than ever since I have finally raised my children. I stayed so busy back then I didn't have any time for me. I now do and realize I need some coping skills.

Will I ever trust again? Will the anger and the flash backs EVER stop. Even though my ex is in prison and so many years have gone by it is like yesterday at times and keeps me in solitude.

 

[bananita]

Hi, Dagmar. Welcome--it's great that you're taking some time for yourself. I hope you feel supported and encouraged here.

 

[leanne1321]

Hi Dagmar,

It seems that you finally want some help and that's always takes a lot of courage, so well done.

I'm with my first therapist and very happy with her, but I have read that you shouldn't give up and look for someone who specialises in trauma.

I'm finding it hard to cope with therapy, but I assume that it's one of those thing that get worse before it gets better.

As for giving up on men, there are plenty of great men out there who will love and support you and treat you right.

Anyway, I hope that you find what you need from this site and good luck.

Leanne

 

[Dagmar]

Thank-you for those words of encouragement.I Glad to hear you are in therapy. Stick with her if your comfortable.Don't do as I have done. I have quit with quite a few therapists because it got too hard and then ended up with me not being able to handle my children. That was then and now they are grown so HERE'S TO A NEW BEGINNING. I pray I can get comfortable with someone soon, but for now I am here and not alone.

 

[leanne1321]

I think the problem with any mental illness is that you can not be helped unless you want to be helped. I found out that I had PTSD over a year ago (self diagnosed) and it took 12 months before I made an appointment for a consultation. If I'd have gone before then, I think that I would have quit. But I'd mentally prepared myself knowing that it was going to be tough and I was finally ready.

Now, as much as it gets me down and I feel so low most of the time, I want to see it through, I want to get better. Maybe that's why you have quit in the past because you hadn't prepared yourself for how tough it was going to be, but when you feel ready, you will be full of determination and win.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I agree with Dagmar that the first step is wanting to get help and preparing yourself for how difficult it will be. I understand what you said about feeling like some things happened just yesterday. I am 46 and am dealing with issues that happened when I was 5 years old. I pushed them away for all these years and now they are coming back for the first time. Even though it's scary when it happens I believe it's a way to heal.

Welcome to the forum!! There is hope!!!:)

 

[caliaviator]

Welcome to the forums Dagmar! I've been surviving since I was 10, and while there aren't any stressors like I endured so many years ago, I've carried them along with me my entire life. The first day I went to therapy I didn't know what to expect. All I knew was I had pushed away the people that I loved and I saw the damage that my anger brought. I think the first step is to realize the damage PTSD has done in your life, and after that is the desire to fight it once and for all for the sake of having a better, healthier life. It isn't gonna go away, but it can at least be reduced to something that can be managed.

If we think we're going to piece our past selves together and be who we were before this happened we're kidding ourselves. But we go to therapy and face our PTSD so that we can emerge stronger than we were before. The therapist is just a person we see 1 hour a week depending on our arrangement, but recovery is a daily battle, one that you already know. Here you'll find a great support network and even a place to vent (Hell I do that a lot). Without a support network we're not going to make, and just know we're fighting the same fight you are, and we're beside you, not in front or behind.