I Want Him To Break Up With Me...

[CareBearQuelly]

He was the one who asked me out, and I didn't want to be rude, and I have a hard time saying no. I enjoyed going over to his place, in the beginning, but now it has become an obligation.

When we kiss and hug, or he touches me, I don't feel anything emotionally. I know he feels something, and that makes me feel guilty and bad for not being able to return the sentiment. Early on, I told him that I wasn't going to have sex until I was married; he seemed to understand, but recently he keeps asking me why I'm waiting and that it would feel really good. No, it wouldn't feel good. I tell him it is because my mom and my sisters all had sex and the relationships they were in were horrible. I also believe that once you become physical, it distracts you from further developing the relationship and getting to know the person better.

To be honest, I don't think I want to have sex. To me, sex is about control-the man having control/power over the woman. I don't find it romantic or loving in any way what-so-ever.

I want to tell him that I am emotionally numb, so that he will dump me, but I don't want to hurt him and I can't seem to work up the courage. If he dumped me, I could get back to having a lot less stressful life.

I do have to credit him with getting me off of the farm; in the last 5 years, I had only left the farm to go to the eye doctor twice (my mom took me), and that was only because I ran out of contacts and I couldn't get more until I was seen by an eye doctor. Now, I go to town with my mom to go shopping. He has also taken me out and introduced me to his family and friends.

What do I do?

 

[saffy]

Hi CareBearQuelly

I think you need to be honest with yourself and him. If you are not feeling anything for him in a romantic way any more then you have to tell him. It is not fair to stay with him out of pity.

Your feelings for him might have changed now and you might value him as a friend but do not 'fancy' him in that way. Him putting pressure on you to have sex does not help either!!! You have expressed your wishes and he keeps on trying to dismiss them.

It is ok to realise that you are not compatible any more. It is also ok to be honest and open about it, he will respect and thank you more for it in the long run and at least you will know you have done the right thing.

Also, I don't think you have to go into long explanations or keep saying sorry either. You are only being honest with him about the way you feel. You should not be sorry for the way you feel ;)

Be brave and set him free :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Sues]

I agree with Saffy. You aren't doing anything wrong by not having romantic feelings for him and by wanting to break up. He has helped you to come out and be able to venture off the farm, and that's great. But it doesn't mean that you owe him and need to stay with him.

It does sound like you are at a "friendship" level with him and he's feeling more than friendship. But Saffy's right, you need to tell him and break it off.

 

[IndigoButterfly]

I think as long as you are honest about the situation, there is nothing wrong about it. I highly admire your decision to wait until marriage, and agree it often (not always) distracts from developing the relationship further.

I do recommend if you don't already know, to figure out if it is him that you are not attracted too, or the whole idea of romance and intimacy etc in general. He should certainly not be pushing you for sex or questioning your reasons (obviously genuinely asking why at first is fine). You don't say how long you have been dating, but I would really recommend you don't just say it is because you are emotionally numb, he may wait around when you don't want him to,hoping it will change or he can help you through it. Just explain the feelings for him are not there any more and that you would like someone that shares the same 'values' as you and is happy to wait for marriage before sex, or even just that you need less pressure in your life - they are all valid reasons. You need to break this off, not push him to do it, it WILL make you a stronger person - realising what you want and need and being confident in yourself and your decisions and following them!

Especially considering you feel sex is about the man having control over the woman, you really need someone you can trust to show you that that really isn't the case. It should be because you are ready, and in love with that person, not because they are telling you it will be good. I hope oneday you do find a man that shows you that and can make you feel loved in the way you deserve.

Hold onto that confidence he has given you though, to go from the farm, and build it up with yourself remembering that you managed it before and you can manage it again - All the best to you :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi I agree with the others. He needs to be told that you do not have feelings for him anymore and you need to break it off. I know that is a scary thing to do, but in order to set yourself free from him, you have to do this. Try to keep it simple.

He should not be pressuring you to have sex. He needs to respect your boundries and limits. I wish you the best in this one. Please let us know how it went. Good luck.

 

[CareBearQuelly]

Thank you for all of the advice and kind words.
I took everyone's advice and I broke up with him last night. He could sense that I just wasn't into the relationship anymore and he agreed. We just have too many differences. I left out the part about being emotionally numb.
I think it will be a long time before I get into another relationship, but I am grateful for this one, because it has taught me: I compromise too much, making everyone else happy will not make me happy, and sex isn't a priority.

 

[IndigoButterfly]

I really think you did the right thing and went about it all the right way, and well done to you for learning and taking positive things from the relationship. All the best to you in the future x

 

[saffy]

Hi CarebearQuelly

You have handled it really well and learnt from it too. Well done and heres to the future :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[droppingrain]

"To be honest, I don't think I want to have sex. To me, sex is about control-the man having control/power over the woman. I don't find it romantic or loving in any way what-so-ever."

Oh honey *hugs*. I hope you can see sex in more than just this way someday with someone you trust, someone special. I used to think sex was the ultimate form of expression of love and would only do it with guys I really fell in love with(too bad I found out some were faking love just to get in my pants-some of the guys were sincerely in love with me too). I think because I'm a survivor of sexual abuse my vision is a little warped of what sex should mean or be.

I'm still not so sure what is the proper way to view sex but it shouldn't be about control or power.
*hugs*