I Want To Argue! With Someone. Anyone. Oh Dear. Help.

[Justmehere]

Ok, so this rarely comes up for me, but it's coming up today. It's very embarrassing but I'm quite stuck and quite desperate for any suggestions or ideas on what to do about the weird head space I am in.

I need to send out 20 emails to 20 people to assign them mentors for a project. It's a simple task. I have the mentor relationships all drafted out on paper. I have a presentation I am supposed to give at a board meeting tomorrow. I have practiced the presentation and I have completed documents for the presentation. I feel confident about doing it. I've done it before with less preparation and it went ok.

But I can not bring myself to actually send any of these emails. I do fine with presentations. I actually stink at speaking in front of groups, but it's not like a big fear of mine. I get compliments for how I do it, when I actually get it done.

The emails though are freaking me out. I did fine with emailing about all of these matters last week. I keep trying to send these emails and instead, I am in an angry wordless panic. I really have no idea why I am procrastinating or why I feel so freaked out.

It's been a weird week. I had trauma therapy yesterday, and we worked on processing a little of what it was to be a kid and be told to fix the impossible - to make my father happy so he would not hit me. The family members who told me to do this had day jobs as nurses and doctors and etc. I was angry at my therapist while talking through it. Not really at her, but just hated her for being another person with any "authority" telling me anything at all or not do anything. I told her I was mad at her but that it didn't make any sense to me because she wasn't doing anything wrong or unreasonable, She said that's "ok, it's part of the process to hate me sometimes." I hated that she said that. I told her and we laughed about it a bit. She told me she was glad that I tell her whenever I feel mad at her. I do it because I get scared to feel mad at her and I figure if I tell her, maybe we have a chance to work through it.

Yesterday, we talked a lot about how much my family expected me to fix family problems and yet treated me like I was so incapable. Never good enough. There were times my family expected me to make my family happy and yet almost in the same breath would tell me how much I was no good. "Don't put those dishes in the dishwasher, you have no ability to do it right." Often this would be followed by telling me to have my younger brother to do it. "He will get it right."

And he did.

And I would argue. I don't mean fight, I mean verbally argue, debate. Present my case... Not that it ever did much good. My parents told me as a kid I should be a lawyer. Sometimes they meant it as a compliment, sometimes not so much. Sometimes it only opened the door to getting more abuse.

Right now, I guess I am trying to be capable. I am sometimes very capable. But right now, I'm filled with anger and panic. Ready to hide under my desk at home. The weirdest thing is that right now, I feel really argumentative. I used to feel like this as a kid. You know how some people want to run when they feel panic? I feel that way sometimes. Right now, I want to debate, argue, and win. Doing that would feel like... I don't know. Just imagining being in a debate competition feels like comforting or something. It feels settling. Like when I lock the door when I get home to be safe. Winning and debate right now would somehow on a physical level feel that way too, even though I would not intellectually think of it as a path to feeling safe. It's so weird and so intense. I used to feel this way as a kid too. This exact way.

I don't even understand why I am so scared right now. I know this is all linked... I can't seem to think clearly enough to sort it all out. I am desperate. I need to stop sabotaging myself and pull it together and get this done. People are mad I have delayed this long... I'm in tears trying to somehow get through this weird head space and not verbally fight the world about nothing...

Anyone else ever like this? Any suggestions or thoughts what to do? I need to get this work done but I keep opening my email and going into this panic and wanting to solve it by debating someone. anyone. I can go find those things to debate with someone too. It's not very hard. But it also won't do ANYTHING good for my life.

I promise I won't argue here on this thread. ugh. :(

 

[shandemonium]

Hi @Justmehere ,

I worked in nonprofits for 6 years and battled my trauma issues under a pile of work too :( I want to offer some quick "get those damn emails done" practical advice and then I would be happy to have a private debate with you if you want!

I really mean that, not trying to sound like I'm making fun. Or we could just talk.

For the emails, get a friend or close colleague and do this: You speak what needs to be in the emails, he/she types. Then you switch and he/she says a few things that perhaps they remember or think should be added. Then switch again.

Read your email to him/her out loud before sending. Have them proof it. Then hit "Send". And as a general rule of thumb for me and this type of situation, I put some kind of disclaimer like "please excuse grammar errors, I must write this in a rush" or whatever is appropriate without sounding too apologetic.

Then the end line is always "Let me know if I missed anything or if you have any questions" BOOM! Check it off the work list.

So you wanna debate something? :) Hugs if you want them!

 

[Justmehere]

I worked in nonprofits for 6 years and battled my trauma issues under a pile of work too

This is so fitting - all the emails I need to send are to people with non-profits. Sigh. The curse of the endless emails is common in just about every field these days...

For the emails, get a friend or close colleague and do this: You speak what needs to be in the emails, he/she types. Then you switch and he/she says a few things that perhaps they remember or think should be added. Then switch again.

This is a great idea! Something about being able to move and talk feels like it might help me get unstuck. Thanks!

So you wanna debate something? :)

hehehe.... ok, I'll bite! ;) Do you think the government should work on research to create flying pigs? I say yes. Because even though it will take up valuable time and resources, if the government could succeed and pigs could fly... :p Just kidding. :)

Thank you for the encouragement. :D

 

[Changing4Best]

LOL... I just had to let you know that I thought that last was very funny. I hope all is well now, and that the emails are on their way. As to the endless email back and forths that can occur, I would suggest maybe using your copy and paste option, as a way to reply to these, use the same reply for several of them!

 

[shandemonium]

I'm glad that helped! I learned that trick from one particular place that served homeless people. It was very intense to work there and a lot of my coworkers were also ptsd or recovering alcoholics/recovering addicts/out of prison and as a result we all had our 'cray-cray' moments at work. The email thing was a common support we gave each other because everyone had too much damn email on top of dealing with an intense population all day!

I wish I could give them a shout-out but I know we need to keep things anonymous here.

In terms of flying pigs, I don't trust the government one bit and Project Pig Sky is obviously just a front for a more sinister operation involving human hybrids and weapons of mass destruction! Obviously!:p

 

[scout86]

I don't think I could easily argue against flying pigs. Flying monkeys, yes. Flying pigs sounds too cool. Although, I suppose "they" might find a way to disguise a black helicopter as a flying pig

Anyone else ever like this?

Yes. Sometimes a lot. Returning phone calls, Handing in paperwork, that kind of stuff. I love the group email idea! (I wish there was someone around to do that with.)

My T knows about the phone call deal. Once, in my own defense, I said "Sometimes, at the end of the day, the last thing I feel like doing is return phone calls". He suggested I redefine "the end of the day". So that it didn't end until AFTER I'd returned all the phone calls. That was more useful than I expected, but it's not 100%

If you figure this out, be sure to let us know, because I'm definitely not there yet.

Good luck!