Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[blackemerald1]

Hi @courelly sending you much encouragement.

All of these mixed feelings you expressed are completely normal. So is your curiosity at how your ex is managing. Please try not to get sucked into worrying about how he will manage or is managing without you. He has a responsibility to look after himself. If he chooses not to do this then sorry..that is his problem now.

You have a responsibility with your new freedom to move forward too. It's a little like climbing a mountain and stopping for a rest half way. You are tired at times and frustrated and probably feel like it would be easy to abandon the climb and slip backwards. That would be a mistake though. Lift your chin, square your shoulders, open your eyes wide and explore all of the things you would like to do now. You can do so much with your life now. You have freedom. Sometimes when one is in a confining and critical environment we become used to it maybe even long for it...because it was at least familiar.

There is no need to demonise your ex. He did that all by himself. I'm sure there were many happy moments in your relationship. Nobody expects you to forget them. However at the same time do not forget that he became a very unsafe person to be in a relationship with. That was not your fault. That was his doing. You do not need to live like that anymore. But learning to live differently presents its own challenges. I'm sure that is what you are feeling now.

You are very brave Courelly. Please get a therapist and keep up the support group.

Now you can map out your future to live independently. Save your money for your new life and decide for yourself what does or doesn't suit you. Don't give anymore money to your ex. He is not your future anymore.

Regarding the loss of personal possessions. I just want to let you know I totally understand this sense of loss too. On several occasions I lost everything. I don't want to hijack your thread as to the reasons why but I totally get this feeling. It is not being materialistic at all. It is entirely natural and at times bewildering. I mourn the loss of personal possessions and felt really dumb to ever express this feeling to anyone bc I worried that they would believe I was a materialistic type of person. I have come to the realisation that this feeling about loss of possessions and being displaced is totally normal and doesn't indicate some strange and abnormal attachment.

I've also learned that within the future lays the possibility of discovering new ideas, new ways of living and even loving. There is so much for you out there Courelly. Don't look back. :hug:

 

[scout86]

but she has a history of being emotionally/financially needy, and we fall back into that dynamic in a home environment.

Kind of like you former partner? Have you considered that you were kind of trained to be responsible for people who appear to be unable to take care of themselves? If you look close, you might be surprised to see how many of those people are actually fairly good at "taking care of themselves" by guilting other people into doing it for them. (Not saying that's what your mother is doing, but it's worth thinking about.)

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @courelly reaching out to see how you are travelling. I am hoping you are ok.

b1

 

[SameBoat]

Also thinking of you @courelly and hope you are doing well

 

[courelly]

Hi friends, sorry I haven't checked in for a minute. I've been staying distracted in my home town and not reaching out to my abuser. My mom and I are able to openly discuss our dynamic and boundaries. Though she can be a little stressful at times, she is self aware and all in all, I'm very grateful that she has been able to help me with this transition. For those of you who have done it alone, I find your strength to be remarkable.

I have been starting to look for a home to purchase, though prices in this area are a little steep and I might have to wait. I plan to look for a couple weeks more and then I'll start to look for a place to rent.

I've spent a lot of time going to different events and outings. I hope all of you are well and I want to acknowledge again that I wouldn't be away from him if it weren't for all of you.

Oh, and my abuser did try to reach out to me a couple days ago, which was a good test of my strength and progress. He texted me to say that he was very sick, and that he might call an ambulance. That he couldn't keep food down, stand up straight, or take care of his dog. He said I was his "emergency contact" if he ended up at the hospital. I told him there was nothing I could do from two states away, and contacted his sister. She revealed that she had been talking with him all day, and that he was not at all sick, or if he was he hadn't told her. Apparently he has tried and failed to land three good jobs that he wanted. I imagine he is beginning to panic, as the end of the lease term I paid for is coming up around end of this month. The empathetic part of me still feels for him, but clearly he tried to bring me back into his mental web. I don't plan to give him money or anything he may ask for.

 

[Teasel]

Great to hear you are doing so well, getting out there and creating a new life for you. Makes me happy to hear it :-)

Great too you're not buying into his nonsense :D

 

[shimmerz]

She revealed that she had been talking with him all day, and that he was not at all sick, or if he was he hadn't told her.

You know, I wouldn't even think of doing this to someone.

Good for you for holding strong @courelly!

 

[blackemerald1]

she had been talking with him all day, and that he was not at all sick,

^^What a totally deceitful man.

Good for you for holding strong

^^I second that - so good you can see your way past this nonsense behaviour @courelly.

And just wanted to tell you that you are the one that changed your life. You deserve the praise not us.

You got out, you did the hard stuff.

Now it is so good you are looking for houses to live in and managing your relationship with your mother (never easy for me too) and starting to grow.

We can not really be with you on the ground but hell we are with you in spirit @courelly and though I know there would have been some terrible days for you - we thought of you and hoped you were ok.

Thanks for letting us know and hope we see you around on the forums if you feel like it. :hug:

 

[Happyplace76]

Hi friends, sorry I haven't checked in for a minute. I've been staying distracted in my home town and...

Oh I am sooooo happy for you @courelly, great to hear that you are distracted and getting out, I am also beginning that. :hug::hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @courelly - sending you a 'hope you are ok' message if you are about. :hug:

 

[courelly]

Hey @courelly - sending you a 'hope you are ok' message if you are about. :hug:...

Thank you for asking :) I'm doing even better since I last posted here. My mom is still a little needy and also having financial issues, and I have spent a little more money than I'd prefer to help her out, but she is family. We were in close quarters since I was staying with her, so I decided to find my own apartment that's close to my work. I have never lived alone in my life and it's strange, but also a little exciting. I think it will be healthy for me to have my own space and rediscover life apart from being codependent.

I met a guy that I like. I know it's soon and I may not have the best lens on successful relationships anymore, so I'm taking it slow. He's friends with a lot of my mutual friends who know his dating history, who he is, etc, and they all adore him. I didn't know any of my former partner's mutual friends, and I think that was part of my downfall there. Not having any warning about what type of person he was really roped me in to his twisted world and made it easier for him to manipulate me. I really like the guy that I've met and am excited about the potential there.

I'm still so grateful to all of you. I sometimes stop and think about where I would be if not for all of your supportive advice, for those affirmations that I wasn't crazy. Especially in those moments that I am triggered with trauma, I remember that it could be worse - that I could still be there, with him, completely miserable. Thank you so much.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh hey @courelly - you sound so happy and healthy! Thank you for replying and letting us know.

You know mostly I hear in your words is you making decisions, you making choices, you thinking through what is best for you and working on what you want. That is so good to hear!!

I don't hear fear or uncertainty in your words anymore. Well done!

Nobody is demoralising you. Nobody is abusing you or putting you down. You are entitled to all the happiness you can find! And I hope you find much! ((hugs)) That includes meeting new men too!

You took all those important steps to secure your new life @courelly - you are so brave!

Please keep in touch - you make me smile :)