Dom Violence I Want To Be Me

[outlook]

Has anyone got advice for me? I want to be the happy person I used to be but I simply don't know where to start?. I have to wait months before counselling so I am on my own dealing with PTSD.

I am losing everyone, I can be fine for months until I'm triggered and then anger comes out like venom, leading to me shutting people out so they can't harm me. My triggers seem to be if I feel shame, unworthy, and/or attacked in any form.

It stems back to an abusive relationship where I was emotionally and physically abused. I was locked in a cupboard so I hate feeling trapped or letting anyone close to me. I dissociated at times of abuse and I had to beg my mum to save my life, which creates an unwanted feeling that he the ex or someone else, will someday finish me off. He has severe personality disorder and although there is a indefinite restraining order in place, I still live in fear of his unpredictable behaviour.

I would love to be the person I once was because I am lonely and scared. I don't know how to stop these triggers, I can't keep hurting people because I have a big heart and it's not the person I want to be.

 

[Nam]

Ah...this is going to be hard to take (it was for me), but that former self will not come back. It doesn't mean you are stuck. Not at all. If you work hard in healing, get to a point where triggers no longer affect you at all, you will find your new personality.

As soon as I let that former person go, I went leaps and bounds in my healing. I'm now quite content with who I am today. It's less bubbly, more uptight, more cautious, but I like myself anyway.

 

[Frogs88]

I agree with Nam, you don't go back to what you was. That's not a bad thing though. Because the person that you can become can be a lot stronger, a lot more open and yet a lot better at setting boundaries and also a lot more empathic. You have seen the worst in people but it can make you appreciate the good more. It's a hard path, but I do believe you can find a way to become somebody that you are proud of being.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I so agree with the above posters. You will never go back to the way you were and everything has changed and now you are in a transitional state where everything will change. I used to hate and loathe myself but I discovered that I am good enough and I like myself much better now.

Your process is a journey of healing and recovery and it will take as long as it takes. I wish you the best.

 

[outlook]

Thank you for your kind responses, it means a lot to me. It's the beginning of my healing and it's great to know I'm not a lone :)

 

[Freebird2015]

This makes me think of that quote 'dance like no one is watching, love like its never going to hurt...' I think I understand your desire to go back. Maybe not exactly back to who you were- but to a place where you dont live with walls up around your heart. I desperately wish I could trust people again. I know that I suffer when I dont let people into my life. I want love, and love is there if only I would take it. I have a long road of recovery, self discovery and awareness.