I Want To Crawl In A Hole And Die

[StellaBlue]

As part of my trauma work I've been keeping a journal and doing these writing exercises to work up to writing a trauma narrative. I have about 40 pages of stuff - emotions, symptoms, somewhat graphic descriptions of pieces of my traumas, the occasional rant... And because it's a lot of writing, I usually copy the stuff I want to share with my therapist.

In anticipation of my appointment tomorrow, I copied this week’s entries on the copier at work...and left the f*cking journal on the f*cking copier. Didn't notice. That was around 9 am. A colleague stopped in my office around 3 pm to return it to me. She said it was sitting on the counter in the copy room - which means someone removed it from the copier (and possibly read it) and it sat there all f*cking day (for anyone to read). I had to go to the rest room and throw up.

I am absolutely mortified.

 

[Barberian]

I gave up being embarrassed about my "conditions" a long time ago. I am who I am, warts and all. Either people like me or they don't, that's not my problem. If you have friends they will be there for you. Tell the rest to piss off... your there to do a job, not be everybodies friend.

Gossip can be harsh only if you let it bother you. Hold your head high, your trying to get better. the gossipmongers are just spreading hate and discontent. Which would you rather be? Someone trying to get better or someone trying to take everybody else down?

I'm really not trying to be harsh. I'm just relating how I view the world.

P.S. I'm not in a good mood, so maybe this is a bit harsher than intended.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I can empathise with your initial feelings about this. But if you can use some logic to help with the fear of someone knowing:

a) You don't know that anyone did read it. I find things in the print room all the time, and have only ever scanned the top page to see if I can see who it belongs to.

b) If someone did read the top page, maybe they recognised that it was private, respected and empathised. Maybe they have their secrets too, and understand more than you give them credit for.

 

[Sammyiam]

If you are anything like me, I make it 1000 times worse in my head than most people do, if that happened to me I would find the nearest rock to crawl under and never come out. It would be my feelings inside that make it so much worse, but if anyone had found it and opened it up, chances are they may have glanced at a page to see who it belonged to and that would be it.

I really think that most people have so many problems of there own that it would just go over there head, it seems so much worse to you because you have written every word in that book and felt every word and it has poured out of your heart in your writing and you have put yourself onto that paper, you are so very much part of those pages, and into that very moment of what your pen rights in front of you, someone looking in from the outside, they never can put themselves in that situation. It doesn't mean anywhere as much to them as yourself, they just glance at the words and it doesn't mean the same they are two busy with there own lives to really understand or care unless it is a close friend.

I tend to really overthink the situation and turn it into the worst possible outcome when in fact there is a huge chance that not one person read it at all, or if by chance someone did open it, they just glanced at it to see what or who it belonged to and never gave it a second thought about it again, and carried on with there busy day.

Please try not to beat yourself up as that's what I do and it really doesn't change anything it just makes you feel really bad.

Please take care I am thinking of you

 

[xena21]

I understand. I would be horrified! Not saying you deserve to be horrified, but knowing the people I worked with, I would have been horrified. Is there any way you think they just took it off the printer and disregarded it? I used to see stuff all the time that wasn't mine that I just gave to whoever it belonged. I didn't care. Maybe that's the case with you too.

Even if that wasn't the case, they would know it wasn't their business. People just inherently know that stuff. You know? Wouldn't you know that if you saw that on a printer? You wouldn't mess with it. You'd give it to whoever it belonged to. That's how life works. People have different things going on. Everyone knows that. I hope you can find some peace in that. I know its stressful, but people know that's life in this stressful world we live in now.

 

[StellaBlue]

Thank you for your responses. I've never been concerned about gossip - it's more about imagining someone (at work no less!) reading things that I can barely stand to share with my therapist.

@xena21, I've been thinking about what you wrote here about people knowing that it was a personal journal and, if they have any integrity, they wouldn't read past the first line. I'm telling myself that if anyone did read it, they lack integrity and I don't have any respect for them. I'm also very grateful that the one real jerk I work with (who definitely would have read the whole thing) wasn't at work today, so I can be sure he didn't read it.

I'm also using this as an opportunity to explore physically feeling the shame and mortification that rolled over me when my workmate returned it to me - it's the same feeling I have (maybe a little stronger) when I actually share this stuff with my therapist (who is presumably the safest person to share it with). I'm pretty sure these are feelings I need to process ;).

 

[Sammyiam]

I've also been thinking of your post, and if you put it so to speak on the other foot and you found the journal, and didn't realise what it was and opened it up then realised what would you have done ?. I personally would have quickly closed it and made sure it got to the right full owner as I would automatically have known how much it meant and sure wouldn't say a word to anyone.

I hope this helps a little

Take care