I Want To Do What's Best For Him. Combat Ptsd

[Newmember]

Combat PTSD question.

I read posts randomly, looking for insight, something to relate to, support - I don't even know. I guess I like to be able to not feel alone. Except - I do. I know my situations different.

I hear stories about loved ones, family, friends, coworkers, etc. But never messages from the "other women."

My sufferer - i can relate him to many others, his situations, yours, theirs, gives me comfort.

But am I failing him?

We no longer have any sexual contact, because I know I am an adrenaline rush, I know he did it for self sabotage, I know his wife deserves all of him, his children too. I know he deserves to be the best him, and I encourage that more than he does at times. Except - we've built a friendship.

Still to this day - I don't think anyone close to him really knows how bad it is. I'm the "other women" regardless so I am hidden. Our friend is an escape.

I support his healing, we talk, no hold back. When he sees his T, he calls me right after and talks to me about it.

I'm lost as in - do I keep supporting him to get help, (he deserves to be happy, as do his wife and kids) but I worry, if I wasn't "pushing" him to get help, if I wasn't around, would he continue putting on a fake front and stop seeking help.

He will tell me what's going on in life, his future, etc.... and it seems so unreal to me. Not rational. And all I can think - you put on a real show for your wife because she would never agree to any of this is she knew like I knew?

He has one of the best doctors in Canada. But he plans on moving. If his wife knew what I knew, she would know - how lucky he is to have this doctor and wouldn't want to ruin that trust and relationship he's built with him. She would know he's looking for happiness, sunshine and rainbows somewhere when he hasn't found it within.
She would know his hypervigilence, his anxiety, his tunnel vision, his mood swings, flashbacks, all of that won't change by moving.... but by the continuous therapy and coping skills he'll learn.

And he doesn't tell the doctor about me.

I've told him if the doctor knew about me, he wouldn't tell him NOT to talk to me, but the doctor would dig deeper into WHY he talks to me so he understood he doesn't NEED me.

I know he trusts me, I know he needs the support. but am I hindering his healing being "the dirty little secret" ?

First and foremost, we are friends. The friendship lost would hurt a lot, but I want to do what's best for him.

I'm lost!

Sufferers....

Do I - walk away and hope he continues his journey, look at it as "it's not my problem?"
Hope he doesn't fall apart, or maybe I do so his wife can finally see the whole picture and be supportive of him. Or
do I keep supporting him, what do I do?

 

[Seeking]

Wow! I am a supporter. The one thing that I'll say is God will not bless mess and that's period. You're saying it's because of you that he's gotten help and you're there for him etc. while that's such a noble act, you have to know you're a crutch that's not allowing him to face everything he's dealing with. The fact that he's in a dishonorable relationship with you will be both devistating to his family and will crush him more to have to handle their pain too. You want to believe you're helping but you're not as a matter of fact making it worse in the long run. Why even mention that you're NOT having sex?????? If this is about his getting help and recovery why is sex mentioned? Because an affair is a selfish act and you are saying you're there for him because you're such a great friend and worried what would happen if you left.......really? Please stop! He has issues and thank goodness he's in therapy so let his therapist help him deal with EVERYTHING including learning to trust his wife. All "help" is not really helping. You are not helping but adding to a list of issues that he already has.

 

[Newmember]

I'm not condoning the cheating. The cheating was a long time ago. We're far over the cheating phase and both have learned from it. The point of me saying there is no longer any sexual contact is because - we are friends. Strictly friends. As a friend, I wouldn't walk away but because of the past history - I have to be conscious of the decision to walk away.

Good people do do bad things. I'm well aware of that.

If I hadn't slept with him, and we were strictly friends. I would have many options. I'd be able to talk to his wife, his friends, his family.

You're missing the point of - as a sufferer, do you need the support of a supporter / or is it internal the need to get better. Will he heal even if his support walks away. Do I explain the reasoning to walk away or just block him.

I don't need to hear I am a home wrecker.

 

[Seeking]

I didn't call you a home wrecker those are your own words. Although I am not the sufferer I can lend common sense and say YES supporters are needed. You choose to call yourself a supporter but you're an issue, a crutch a "dirty little secret" (your words) from the past but still here. You see affairs are more than physical they are emotional. Let him truly embrace therapy and deal with everything, including why he choose to have an affair. What your missing is this has effect on him and his family as well. Step aside and quit acting like you are the only one that is there for him. Sometimes we have to use our common sense and do the right thing. If you're in the way, how will he and his wife work on this together? You know the answer.

 

[Newmember]

I don't see it as an affair, emotional even.
We are friends. Like one of his high school friends. He is like any of my other friends. I would listen, support and encourage any one of them.

Maybe that's my problem. I see him as a friend and I am an emotional crutch to him.

I appreciate your words. I'm not going to defend my friendship, I know if I was a high school friend, a male, etc.... it would be a different scenario.

I reached out because I know I could be doing more damage than I think. I need an outsiders point of view.

 

[Seeking]

I just want you to know that sometimes as hard as it is, we must take a look in the mirror and say "hey, this is what it is." Only you know what that is really is. None of us have the answers we do our best to put it together and make good decisions. We can't always put a bandage on an issue because it's temporary, we've got to deal with it, really deal with it. I hope he finds a way to dig deep, slowly, safely but surely and get the help he needs. Trust that God will see him through. He's seeing a therapist and they will come up with stategies, mediction etc to work it out.

 

[digger]

do you need the support of a supporter / or is it internal the need to get better.

Ultimately I think the need to get better has to come from within, but that doesn't mean that having support to do that wouldn't be useful. Other than my T, I don't really have any support, and I'm pretty sure that there are times it would make a difference.

That said, and I think you're identifying this yourself, I think there are times when 'helping' can actually be more 'hindering'.

You seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on your role in his recovery and how central you feel to it, but the truth is, you don't how much of a factor you really are, or aren't in it all. If he can lie to his wife, he can also be lying to you - you might not want to accept that, but I think you need to take it into consideration. You also can't really know the whole situation with his wife as you are only hearing one side of that. You can't really know how much she is aware or not of his issues and difficulties, or how supportive she has tried to be.

We are friends. Like one of his high school friends. He is like any of my other friends

I hear you want to believe this, but this isn't a regular friendship. You are a secret. Your relationship, however platonic it may have become, is still a secret and a lie. Are all your other friendships based on secrecy? Does he have to lie about his high school friends?
I'm not asking those questions to judge or to criticise you, but I don't think you can separate the type of friendship you have from the questions you are asking about your role as a supporter.

 

[Newmember]

If he can lie to his wife, he can also be lying to you - you might not want to accept that, but I think you need to take it into consideration.

I have considered that. I know he struggles with being a hero in people's eyes, how can he show them he's actually broken though? (Those are his words) He doesn't owe me anything, or have to prove anything to me though and that's what makes it easy for him to open up to me.

It wouldn't let me quote the other portion about the secrecy part. He has friends who know about our friendship, as do I. I can't answer to why he chooses to tell some people and not others. It's complex. I understand that.

I walk away. I know that. Do I discuss why, or just ignore him?

 

[acornfall]

Yes you absolutely need to walk away asap as this in totally inappropriate. I would suggest you have a SHORT conversation asap where you end this relationship. It is not morally okay for either of you, and therefor spritually it isn't okay, and when it comes to PTSD, spiritual healing is CRUCIAL. For everyone to have a chance at true health, you need to end all contact. Again, keep it short, state your points, and end the talk promptly. Do not fall back, ever, into contact with him, and do not repeat this behavior again either of being more emotionally intimate with a man than he is with his own wife. No excuses. You are doing yourself and him, and everyone else in both of your lives a favor. The rewards will show later. It's great that you are choosing to be a good enough friend to do what's right: move on. That's the real act of love.

 

[J'qel]

Okay 1-you can't "steal" a man. He's a human being not a stuffed toy. He makes his own decisions and needs to be given the agency we give adult human beings and stop treating him like a trophy in this discussion.

2-have you talked to him about your concerns?

3-if he is just a friend and you know he has marital issues, have you suggested he look at couples therapy?

4-do you, personally need to walk away? Is it causing you problems? Is it more than you feel you can handle?

5-He has as much right to know and have input on this as you do.

When I was dating I got blamed for a lot of stuff, the thing was, I never ever pursued someone in a relationship. They came to me telling me that they were on the outs and breaking it off. Then it would happen and we would date. There were always things he was feeling and that he thought that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his failed relationship. The "he" s were human beings with their own hopes and desires. I am not a witch, a sorceress and enchantress or any other magic being that can control other people's minds.

Neither are you.

He is an adult and is responsible for his own actions.

I have to tell many people who come here with things like "did I make him beat me?" and the answer I give them is the same I will give you:

You cannot "make" anyone else do *anything*.

You are not at fault here. The worst thing you are doing is not talking to him about your concerns.

Fix that.

Then let him be an adult human talking to another adult human and try and work it out how you both, as adult humans, think it should come around.

He has the right to have a choice. Men aren't objects any more than women are, and to treat him as if he was one is demeaning.

Go. Talk to him. Work it out. Make your choices. Be aware that you are ultimately responsible for your actions and noone else's.

I hope this helped clarify some things.

 

[Newmember]

Okay 1-you can't "steal" a man. He's a human being not a stuffed toy. He makes his own decisions and need...

Thank you for looking at this from a different point of view. I know I'm not the first person to cheat with a married man nor a vet - with ptsd. I've read many posts about the issue. And all thoses posts had "other women"/"home wreckers"/whatever someone wants to label them. They all have their own story - with real life people, who make mistakes.

I am also married with children. I have dealt with this issue with my husband. We are so far past the cheating, physical and emotional. But morally - I still have to question it.

I use to allow him to make excuses, I use to allow him to use PTSD as an excuse. I treat him like an individual, like any one else I would in my life.

We talk like friends would. His wife is amazing. He never talks badly about her, or states he is unhappy with her. (cheating is one I understand that, but it's not a her issue, it's a him issue - I encourage him to seek help as in to why he cheated. Eg. Self sabotage, not feeling manly, adrenaline rush, impotency. If he chooses to tell her down the road, and seek couples therapy, that's his choice.)

She is very religious and questions anything against gods word. (THC, antidepressants, and hasn't really seeked out her own understanding of PTSD.) he already feels confused in his own mind and with someone pushing him back with any movement forward, I understand why he talks to me as a "voice of reasoning" or a "reassurance that there's no such thing as normal."

There's the "I don't have to prove my self to her...." or "I don't owe her anything." Aspect. We all have friends like that where they are just always there - no matter what. Unconditional support. (real life, online, family, strangers)

Am I really just a supporting friend, his person, or am I taking away from her?

If I wasn't around - would he rely on her? Confide in her?

I did talk to him about it yesterday and he said "I just have more of an expectation from her. I can't let her see this side. We talk but it's not the same and after 10 years of marriage, if I didn't tell her than and she didn't notice- before you. I wouldnt tell her now."

 

[J'qel]

Am I really just a supporting friend, his person, or am I taking away from her?

If I wasn't around - would he rely on her? Confide in her?

What do you think would happen to him if he was forced to rely only on her for support?

Do you think that he would be able to find the support he needs in her, or would she continue to be as she is?

Why is he choosing to confide in you and not her? Is it a valid reason?

As a friend, if you're concerned about him and your place in his marriage, I do think you should suggest marriage counseling to him for him and his wife.

as an outsider: It sounds like he has some pretty big marital issues that he and his wife need to talk about. They both need to hash out their problems and decide on if they can find a place where they both are feeling like equals and partners. I can't say what she's feeling or what's going on, because she's not here-but there may be a reason why she reacts the way she does.

The only way for them to fix it is to go to couple's therapy.

If neither think that they can or if they simply won't-then they (whomever refuses) has simply refused to make the problem better. At that point you have to leave them to their own devices-again-you're not responsible for another adult human's life. It's their life and their decision.

The only choice you can make is to not get in the middle of it.

Other than suggesting couples therapy for their marital issues, stay the hell away from things like "my wife...." "she's acting like..." and just give your sympathetic nods and smiles.

I have made honest and blunt comments about someone's relationship before and gotten ripped apart for it, as well as had someone rip into me for not getting involved. It's a mess, don't go there. Just nod, smile and suggest therapy or talking it out.

If it's something personal like "I was walking by the store yesterday and just suddenly panicked and I don't know why..." You're his friend. Of course you'll talk to him. Yes, she's going to be pissed if she finds out, but if he's willing to broach therapy, if he's willing to talk to her and if you're truly honestly committed to your marriage, you don't need to worry about it. He and your husband will back you up and remind her that the past is the past and it's *NOT* going to repeat itself.

Please, please tell me your husband knows you're still talking to him. If he doesn't, you need to direct him to this thread and be prepared to talk to him about it. You need to be honest in your marriage too. That *is* something you can control and make decisions and choices about.

This is a complicated situation, but honestly, the solutions are fairly simple if you're being honest in this thread and with yourself.

Suspicions with no reason behind them can be dispelled, she may never like you, but if he and you work together you can make sure she knows that nothing is going to happen.

Their relationship already has issues, but that's not your place to muddle. Let him decide if it's worth saving, because it's *his* marriage, not yours. Let him deal with his, you deal with yours. What he decides isn't your responsibility, but you can most certainly remind him that if he is in for the long haul with his wife, some therapy and honesty might go a long way towards making his home life more supportive for him and his concerns.

No that doesn't mean he'll abandon you, it means he gets more supporters instead of just you and his therapist. You're not in a competition-the capacity of the human heart for love and friendship is boundless, neither of you need compete for anything.

Put the marriage issues back where they belong-in his hands- and give him a bit of direction and let him, as an adult human decide what he wants to do.

Honestly, were it me and if he chose not to fix his relationship, I would put it in the bin of unmentionable. I would simply remind him when it came up that he has the ability to fix it, and if he refuses to put in the work, it's never going to get fixed. There's no point in re hashing something that he won't put the work into fixing on his own.

(I say this because I did have someone who used to come to me and I had to tell him that he needed to decide to fix it or walk away, because I wasn't going to be his excuse-that's not something a friend does to another. It's honestly, an *sshole thing to do to someone- and you can read your own thread comments to see what it does to a person).

Give him his choices, be his friend but stay the hell away from the marital issues. They're his to fix with someone who doesn't have your history. Talk about PTSD, therapy, weather, physics, whatever, but do not get mixed up in the wife/hubby issues. That's what a marriage counselor is for. They're trained to be able to wade that particular swamp while avoiding the landmines.