General I Want To Get Married....Then I Don't

[Vickym]

Someone please help me clear my head I feel like one big blurr to say the least. This is only place I can come and someone will understand. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 1/2 years. We had our marriage licence several months back and let it expire because he needed to be sure that I could handle his ptsd and tbi. Well since then he says for two weeks that he wants to marry me he loves me. Then one day I wake up and its a different story. He has been going through the annulment process in the church and he had to tell them he wanted to do the annulment because he wanted to marry me. We even have wedding bands. Well today he had a really bad day and was angry. Out of no where he brought up marriage and said he has changed his mind he never ever wants to marry me. I was so hurt and in shock he just sent me flowers 2 days ago. And he has been saying he has something really big to ask me. So I asked him do you really mean this? Really? I'm confused where is this coming from. He said what if we get married and things don't work. I said please tell me this is one of the times I'm suppose to take what you say worth a grain of salt and he replied no. I'm so hurt and I have been so strong but tonight I am hurt.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Vicky,

You are going through a roller coaster right now. One minute he wants to marry you and the next he doesn't. I can just imagine how you feel. I went through similar "rides" these past months.

Could it be that the stress and worry about the marriage not working is the cause of his confusion and the state he is now in ?....Could be...good stress as much as bad stress can create triggers and make their PTSD uncontrollable.

Frankie

 

[Vickym]

We have since talked about this and he really doesn't remember much of what he said that night. When it comes down to it he has a fear of us getting married and then me saying I can't do this anymore. No matter how many times I explain to him that I love him and accept him for who he is he can't get past the thought of me saying enough someday. I explain that I want to married one time only and that marriage is for better, for worse and we still end up here. Now I have a fear of marrying him and him wanting out because he is so hot and cold.

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Vicky, just briefly, I think you will always be dealing with some sort of yo-yo effect with a PTSD sufferer depending on where they are at and what is happening.

I think you have to find your own truth and work out do you really love this man, do you want to marry him and is PTSD something you are willing to take on. With that answer the indecision will lessen.

 

[Vickym]

Nicolette,

You are so very right. The key is to being 100% sure that this is what I want for life. I know that once I have no doubts he will see it and feel better himself. I was a little hot and cold about it in the past and he remembers that. I have been spending time thinking about the this and at the same time giving him space so I don't cause him confusion. I do love this man with all my heart. I would be lost without him. This year I vowed to walk away from his out burst of anger and angry words. Not take things so personal. This was the first time I was sucked into but I handled it much better by waiting for him to come to me this time. It took two days but was worth the wait. It gets easier and easier.

 

[freya]

I'm a bit late with this. Just wanted to say that I think it's important to be aware that it's more or less impossible to promise something 'for ever'. To me the marriage vow is an intention and an indication of direction where I want to go.
Sounds like your partner is afraid to get into the marriage because he is afraid you will want to get out. You cannot really swear you won´t do, or want to do that... you cannot foresee the future. In life nothing is a 100% certain. Still to declare your love and take the vow is a strong and positive statement (I think).

You can never promise, I think that you will never want to get out of a marriage or any relationship. It would not be fair to yourself or to life. It´s realistic to be aware of that and to express this to your partner as well, I think.
As you said he can be hot and cold and so can you. That is a ´fact of life´ I think. Getting married may not change that. It may however make you both more aware of how you really chose to be together and that in itself can be a very positive influence.

But still I think it could be helpful if you said to your partner that you cannot promise you will never want to get out of the marriage.
Neither can he. But you can still move in that direction and form that bond and stand for that.

Just my thougt...

Freya

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Vickym,

I don't think you should feel bad whatever you feel, you must choose in your best interests.

I do believe that it is possible for a person to do virtually everything in their power and them some, to make a commitment to someone for life.
But if a marriage or situation becomes abusive or deleterious for you, that is not healthy to stay either.

I guess a lot of how he reacts will depend where he is in terms of managing this, but (as far as we all know) there's no "cure" so it will always be a consideration for life.

Good luck to you.