I Want To Leave My Family

[NewDay770]

I am thinking of leaving my family as well. My Dad is a big part of me having PTSD and the family as a whole gives me panic attacks that I have really got fed up with. They don't understand me and never will. I always have nightmares about my father emotionally abusing me and hitting me; I hate him a lot of the time. My father gets really sweet sometimes and he gives me whatever I ask him to buy me which makes me feel guilty of having such thoughts. I get confused whether I am just exaggerating or he is really abusive towards me and the rest of the family. I feel that the atmosphere is poisonous here. My father wants to control my life and wants me to do whatever he tells me to. My mother has almost no say in all this.

I am in love with a man that my father does not want me to be in a relationship with. He has threatened me of killing him and locking me up in the house if he knew we are still in a relationship. I want to marry the man I love, while my father will never allow this.

My father also denies that I have PTSD. I always have to ask for his permission before going out of the city although I am 20. He does not let me to study where I want to. He is controlling me in many other ways that make me resent him and hate him. He has hit me when I was a child and I still have flashbacks because of that. He also hit my mother and siblings ever once in a while, but the tension is mostly between him and I. Because of all of this the rest of the family is violent as well -- my siblings always fight and hit each other, my mom is screaming all the time. I feel that I have no right here, that I am oppressed in so many ways. I can't stand it.

I am thinking of leaving the country and go to live with my boyfriend who can help me a little. I also have to quit studying and I have no source of income. It all makes me so stressful that I tend to have suicidal thoughts. I tend to hate life. I hate the way they make me feel and that they don't think there is anything wrong. I feel like my head is going to explode. I don't know what to do. If I did ran away I'll be with no money, no belongings at all, no degree. Just a young, very hurt woman somewhere in the world. Also if they caught me before I be somewhere more safe, then they will hurt me more and will never be able to leave the house and will be hit and abused.

I am so scared. Please any advice? :(

 

[Jen93]

Oh ND. :( (((SUPER DUPER HUGS ND)))

Can you leave? Tell a teacher, a friend, stay safe? This seems dangerous. I wouldn't focus on your bf right now, I would just focus on leaving home and going somewhere else for right now, you don't deserve abuse.

 

[NewDay770]

There is also my little sister who gets hit everyday, and I am the only one who protects her. She is so attached to me, spends all her day with me if she can and looks up to me. I think she will be alone and will miss me a lot. I am also afraid of letting my family and other people down if I went away.

 

[ProudWife99]

How nasty, ugly, and unfair for you and your sister. Such an unfortunate situation.

I am thinking of leaving the country and go to live with my boyfriend who can help me a little.

I think leaving and finding a place you can feel safe is absolutely a good idea. We cannot begin to heal if we are consistently ripped apart where we live. We need security to be left open sometimes and you certainly deserve that.

However, is your boyfriend aware of the PTSD? Is he seeking information and knowledge on the subject? I'm sure he is a wonderful man, but even the most wonderful of people have a difficult time dealing with PTSD. It is so mean and sometimes it results in the person we love "returning fire with fire."


As Jen said, I would focus on you. Moving out of your home country may be more of a shock/change than is beneficial for you right now, but I think finding a safe place to stay is definately a good first step!

 

[NewDay770]

Thank you Jen and proudwife99

Jen, I have no where to go but to my boyfriend. I'll be absolutely homeless if I was not with him. He is a great man and we want to get married, the only problem would be financial ones I think.

ProudWife99, my boyfriend knows that I have PTSD and he is very supportive most of the time. He is willing to give any kind of help I need regarding anything at all including me having PTSD. He helps me to make steps forward. He has PTSD as well, which is how and why we understand each other very well. I will not be safe staying anywhere in my country. That's why I have to leave it. It will be very risky and hard thing to do though.

 

[Jen93]

They don't understand me and never will. I always have nightmares about my father emotionally abusing me and hitting me; I hate him a lot of the time. My father gets really sweet sometimes and he gives me whatever I ask him to buy me which makes me feel guilty of having such thoughts. I get confused whether I am just exaggerating or he is really abusive towards me and the rest of the family. I feel that the atmosphere is poisonous here.

My father also denies that I have PTSD.

ND, I used to sort of be in a similar situation. When I was younger (like four) I'd get spanked if I acted up in school, and my brother had the same thing happen to him as well. However, it wasn't traumatic for me (Although I was scared) I think he still feels guilty and that's why he needs so much care and reassurance from him that we love him. The thing was though, that for me it wasn't that bad. We were diagnosed (Me and "the kid"- that's what I call my little brother, he's five years younger than I am) with ADHD, and so he knew we couldn't really control our inattention, hyperactivity, or temper tantrums as well as we wanted to. He loosened up after that A LOT- however he still had screaming rages, even now sometimes. He always apologizes afterwards.

I wrote that because if you think you are "exaggerating" most likely, the real story is something like mine. This story, the one I have told IS NOT ABUSE- IT IS NOT CHILD ABUSE. He would spank us fully clothed, and we had a red bum for about ten seconds, and we'd cry basically only because of how angry he was, but not because of the pain. It NEVER hurt to sit afterwards- and he'd ALWAYS give us a hug as soon as he finished.

For you, if it is ACTUALLY beating, and not just spanking, if you're seeing BRUISES on your sister or mother and any of your siblings, you should get someone involved. Get extended family involved, or police, or school teachers. It can be devastating to watch someone you love get hurt, and want to stay to keep them safe, but the best thing is to make others outside the home AWARE of the abuse, and hope that the family AS A WHOLE can leave and get safety.

As for your father being in denial, my family is too. I've given them pamphlets, I've given them a website. No such luck in bringing them out of the world of denial. I learned that I have to look after myself. I took the initiative to get a counsellor appointment at a place where the counselling is free, and I've been there before, so I know that it is a good place. For PTSD, it is important that YOU take the initiative to BE PROACTIVE in your recovery. IT IS YOUR TRAUMA. YOU DESERVE HELP IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED IT REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYBODY ELSE SAYS!

Best of luck, and take care.

Jen

 

[Pale Warrior]

I left the country to get away from my violent parents, it helped to be out of their reach. Just watch out if your are to be dependant on your BF, he needs to be loving and supportive of your situation.

If there is violence to your little sister, beyond the spanking if naughty, you can call the police or social services. Children have the right to live without violence or fear of violence. Protect yourself and your sister.

 

[bethinhfx]

@Newday770: I am sorry that you are in that situation. My life changed dramatically when I had a very supportive boyfriend. Now, I have been dependent as an older adult on my mom for money and she has used it as an opportunity to be very abusive and I just flashbacks about sexual abuse 27 years ago. The resistance in my family to " my truth" and " my perspective" is really quite astonishing.

The " system" is based on lies and would prefer to stay in denial; two siblings included. There is no place there for me because I tell the truth and the truth is inconvenient. I don't really have any contact with my family right now but they REALLY had to hurt me for me to get to that place. Who doesn't love their family but when your family is trying to kill you or hurt you then it is a sick system and you have to leave somehow.

I am now dependent on community services and they are being difficult as well. So, I pray a lot and am learning to be assertive. I am on a waiting list for treatment even though none thinks I need to go; keeping in mind that I was the only one that was sexually abused. Denial is not a river in Egypt and sexual abuse is such a violation of boundaries that my whole family has been in denial for so long that it is almost impossible to differentiate the true from the false...crazy making. I am not going crazy; I am going to treatment!

THese are very serious and painful issues. Praying really helps me ( don't know what your inclinations are) but " god could do for us what we could not do for ourselves". Don't give up!!! I went for a beautiful run today; did yoga for an hour; pulled out my sketching stuff. Life is supposed to be beautiful; don't buy into the insanity. xoxoxoxoox beth

 

[NewDay770]

Hello, Jen and pale warrior. I actually think it's closer to spanking than abuse, but I still can't get over it, and I have many emotional bruises. It feels like abuse to me! I don't know what more to say about this.

My boyfriend is very supportive and understand and helps me feel and get better a lot. I am not worried about being dependent on him for a while till I gather myself up and be able to work or study or whatever to support myself. We'll probably get married soon anyway.

And beth, my family is pretty much the same, the are in denial. I have been sexually abused and they know it but they never talk about it, nor do they believe I am hurt because of this. They think time can heal and these issues should be forgotten somehow. I live in middle-east right now; it's where I come from. Therefore it's just as hard as in Egypt. I still want to leave my family as I feel very hurt. I can't stand what they think of me and how they look at me. I'm too different to live here according to how others think I should live. I want to live my life the way I want it, not to live a pre-planned one!

Thank you everyone for reading and thank you for your comments and replies.

 

[NewDay770]

A part of me died two months ago. Dad had a talk with me, and ever since a part of died! I feel so sad, I want to grieve and cry hardly, but I am not able of doing so. Even that has been taken away from me. I am numb. Dad also is sort of dead to me now, he is sweet and nice a lot of the time, but it's like a beautiful gift you open and the inside is no more than emptiness, if not less. I cannot relate to him anymore, I cannot feel him or feel anything he says or does to me. That is bad I guess, but he has said things to me that my heart cannot tolerate, he violated very important to me. He has threatened hurting people close to me if I did not do once particular thing, stopping my relationship with my boyfriend. He also said he'll hurt me as well, and that his beliefs and what the society thinks are more important to him than my feelings and beliefs. He said that he would prefer me getting hurt than doing something against what is common or accepted here in my society/family. That is too much for me to hear. I am a HUMAN not a rock! I HAVE FEELINGS. I DO MATTER! I want to leave here because my rights are taken away from me, because I don't have a voice here, or at least it's ignored. I want to be heard and I want to live my life the way I plan for it and the way I want it.

Sorry if my writing is too long or too ambiguous.

I appreciate comments and replies.

NewDay770

 

[Noone.]

To try and control anyone is a mistake. My son left his mom and moved in with me he's 18. I don't even try that shit but I still like to give him structure and direction and I will stand by his side till he is a successful man, unless he drinks my beer then its on JK. Hope you find some peace soon. Fire.