My diagnosis came after I realised that this traumatic event caused me several weeks of disassociation at the time of the event and nightmares and disruptive memories since. Describing what happened and my reaction to it lead my psych to my diagnosis and the help I have received since.
I am hoping maybe by writing it out here, more help may come my way from my fellow members. I am having a tough time lately and remembering this event has caused some pretty severe nightmares lately.
Be aware that this is my story of a traumatic event. It might not even register on some people's scales, but for me, with my previous experiences as an EMT, this was the event that brought this all out into the light and keeps pulling me back into the dark.
I was driving to town and pulled up an off ramp to a stop at the top of the ramp. The cross street is a pretty busy road with lots of people coming from my left at me. I need to turn right, so I pull clear to the right hand side, next to a large church owned van turning left. Since the van is huge and I am in a small car, I can't see to my left at all, and pulling forward isn't an option because the van is pulled as far forward as it can be without being in the lane of traffic. No problem, I wait. traffic backs up behind me, but I have no option and I wait. I can see that the car two cars back is getting angry, he can see behind the van and he can see when there are breaks in the traffic, but I can't and wait. And wait.Finally the van starts to roll and I get ready to go too, but the van has pulled out right in front of an oncoming blue volvo sedan doing about fifty MPH that swerves to shoot behind the van and just barely misses it and me, by inches. It shoots across in front of me, hits the ditch to my right and bounces maybe four feet in the air and lands right side up but high centered and badly damaged.
I grabbed the e brake, opened my door and stood up, ready to run over and pull victims if there was a fire but the driver and passengers are also standing up, talking to each other over the roof of the car.
I was OK, they were OK, the van was stopped about a block up the road to my left and I guessed they were going to come back and exchange info so I got back in my car and drove away.
If I had been pulled up forward in an attempt to see past the van, the Volvo would have t boned me, hard, driver door, probably DOA on the spot. Or hit the van, with severe injuries for everyone in both vehicles, maybe me too. I was lucky.
About two weeks later I remembered that I had been hit from behind at some point in the incident. I remember my head bouncing back, some time in the course of events. I checked and there was a mark on the bumper to confirm, I was rear ended or rolled back into the car behind me, I don't know. Maybe the guy that was so hot behind me nudged me, I really can't remember it at all.
I have to drive past there a lot, and sometimes I don't even think about it, Sometimes I feel the sweat of the day it happened, and I always have nightmares about it and every other bad accident I was ever in or responded to as an EMT that night and for days after sometimes.
It just keeps coming up and bringing everything else with it.
Sometimes I feel like my life is divided by this event into two parts. Maybe because it lead to my diagnosis, maybe because I am sure I could have died right there but didn't.
I have had several near death experiences, I have had 3 emergency life saving surgeries in my life, broken my neck, but this experience was the one that gets me from where I was before to where I am now.
I know it's lighter than most everyone elses load, but sometimes it's a ton on me.
Thanks for reading.
I am hoping maybe by writing it out here, more help may come my way from my fellow members. I am having a tough time lately and remembering this event has caused some pretty severe nightmares lately.
Be aware that this is my story of a traumatic event. It might not even register on some people's scales, but for me, with my previous experiences as an EMT, this was the event that brought this all out into the light and keeps pulling me back into the dark.
I was driving to town and pulled up an off ramp to a stop at the top of the ramp. The cross street is a pretty busy road with lots of people coming from my left at me. I need to turn right, so I pull clear to the right hand side, next to a large church owned van turning left. Since the van is huge and I am in a small car, I can't see to my left at all, and pulling forward isn't an option because the van is pulled as far forward as it can be without being in the lane of traffic. No problem, I wait. traffic backs up behind me, but I have no option and I wait. I can see that the car two cars back is getting angry, he can see behind the van and he can see when there are breaks in the traffic, but I can't and wait. And wait.Finally the van starts to roll and I get ready to go too, but the van has pulled out right in front of an oncoming blue volvo sedan doing about fifty MPH that swerves to shoot behind the van and just barely misses it and me, by inches. It shoots across in front of me, hits the ditch to my right and bounces maybe four feet in the air and lands right side up but high centered and badly damaged.
I grabbed the e brake, opened my door and stood up, ready to run over and pull victims if there was a fire but the driver and passengers are also standing up, talking to each other over the roof of the car.
I was OK, they were OK, the van was stopped about a block up the road to my left and I guessed they were going to come back and exchange info so I got back in my car and drove away.
If I had been pulled up forward in an attempt to see past the van, the Volvo would have t boned me, hard, driver door, probably DOA on the spot. Or hit the van, with severe injuries for everyone in both vehicles, maybe me too. I was lucky.
About two weeks later I remembered that I had been hit from behind at some point in the incident. I remember my head bouncing back, some time in the course of events. I checked and there was a mark on the bumper to confirm, I was rear ended or rolled back into the car behind me, I don't know. Maybe the guy that was so hot behind me nudged me, I really can't remember it at all.
I have to drive past there a lot, and sometimes I don't even think about it, Sometimes I feel the sweat of the day it happened, and I always have nightmares about it and every other bad accident I was ever in or responded to as an EMT that night and for days after sometimes.
It just keeps coming up and bringing everything else with it.
Sometimes I feel like my life is divided by this event into two parts. Maybe because it lead to my diagnosis, maybe because I am sure I could have died right there but didn't.
I have had several near death experiences, I have had 3 emergency life saving surgeries in my life, broken my neck, but this experience was the one that gets me from where I was before to where I am now.
I know it's lighter than most everyone elses load, but sometimes it's a ton on me.
Thanks for reading.
