Relationship I want to stick with this relationship

[keynewt]

Hello,
My girlfriend has CPTSD. I don't want to "fix"her, or "save"her. I am in love with her already. I don't want to change who she is. What I don't want to do is mess up and push her away. She is very special to me and I give her space and independence because that is what makes her feel safe. That is what she needs to have a relationship with me.
I recognize that but at the same time I feel like I mean less to her when I am not around. She has friends that she has had a long relationship with. Relatives and school friends that mean a lot to her. I know I am different because I am her intimate partner. But I sometimes feel left out or marginalized. Like a new aquaintance. I think it is the PTSD and how she reacts to new situations and new people. But I have mental anguish of my own. I am recently divorced. Coming from a 18 year relationship where my partner cheated on me.
We have been together for about 9-10 months now. I know I really have strong feelings for my girlfriend because I can let a lot of things go with her because I know they come from PTSD. While I have problems with trust and needing communication, I feel I trust her with not seeing me or keeping in contact with me.
My fear is in being too pushy as a partner and driving her away or being too lenient and letting her walk away. Does anyone else walk this tightrope?

 

[dcb2410]

i did. it ended horribly. i felt the same way. trusted her completely. never had reason to doubt her thousands of messages of love - that i was her soul mate. never doubted her honesty. then suddenly out of nowhere hours after messages of love it was over. i had been cheated on in the past. i had good reasons to have walls up. i didn't. now utterly broken by sudden and nonsensical end to the relationship. hope you do better

i sat and listened to all the dramas of her past. they were very real dramas. her trauma was very genuine. both my family and i thought her remarkable for her grace in dealing with the traumas in her life. but when the stress cup overflowed it went pear shape. her ex partner took his own life. the father of her daughter. it happened after they parted. she had made a very public comment about how she was going to make sure that her daughter forgot his name. I asked very innocently whether she was aware that this statement could be seen by anyone who saw her profile. it was a simple and non judgmental question. it was obviously a very personal thing. she told me my comment hit a raw nerve, was followed up by swearing. the next morning she said she had reflected on my comment, had realised she had to stop living with hate and was grateful for me opening her eyes. it was understandable that with the trauma of what she had been through and the impact on her life and that of her daughter that she carried a huge amount of pain that could (i think understandably) translate to anger. but what was a geniune question coming from a place of support turned into a trigger and unnecessary hostility towards me. on other occasions she went into a panic of fear of losing me, thinking i was seeing someone else. i loved her and her daughter and would never ever do that to another human being let alone someone i adored. in hindsight it was extremely difficult to walk between the gap between trauma and insecurity. i, and my family thought we had a very special connection. for months the thousands of messages of love from her said she felt the same. developed a lovely bond with her daughter. and then out of nowhere i became dust to her and will never understand why. i don't want for empathy.

I don’t have answers. But I think asserting your own needs may be difficult and trying to explain anything at a moment when your partner is avoiding communication will be extremely difficult. The sad thing for me is that my ex said that she realised that there would be curve balls in life and working through them would only bring us closer together. When there were minor misunderstandings she just couldn’t do that. It was hurtful as I am someone to whom being able to work things through was important. I don’t treat people as disposable or want to run off to the next thing. Meaningful connections are few and far between and I was ready willing and able to talk things through. She wasn’t. I’d read a lot of what is on this page.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome @keynewt.

I recognize that but at the same time I feel like I mean less to her when I am not around.

The space thing is kind of hard for new supporters to wrap their heads around. It’s easy to feel ignored, unwanted and unloved when your partner seemingly doesn’t want to see or speak to you, especially if they’re around other people or otherwise functional.

She is very special to me and I give her space and independence because that is what makes her feel safe.

Instead of feeling left out, consider focusing on this^^^. What you’re doing is a loving act. You love her enough to give her the space she needs to feel safe. Not everybody in her life “gets” that. You’re close enough and understanding enough that you do.