I Want To Understand Combat Ptsd!

[hopeforhealing]

When I first met my boyfriend it was under odd circumstances to say the least. It was over the internet and I was married. My (now ex) husband and I were having issues of our own and were experimenting with having an open relationship and alternate lifestyles. Needless to say our marriage was unhealthy and had been for many years.

In a nutshell, the open relationship status was a bad idea and didn't work out well. (Does it ever?? I think it is just a cop out to try and avoid the inevitable, divorce) Regardless, I began a relationship with the "other man".

He was at the time at Ft. Lewis.

Shortly after we began our relationship he was transferred to Louisiana. We made the long drive there together in May of '11. That was the last time we had real intimacy.

Things were very good for a few months while he was there. We talked daily, had video chats and things felt wonderful. Then, bam... something switched like a light. He became withdrawn. Talking to me less and less, and sometimes going very long periods with no contact at all.

We saw each other twice during that year in Louisiana. Once for a few days we met in Arizona, and then over the holidays he came here for 2 weeks. He is now retired, and enrolled in school. I am thankful he wanted to move all the way back to the NW, but things are confusing.

Our relationship went from one with a great deal of physical intimacy to one with zero. He is sleeping a bit better the last few days, but never in the bed with me. I know that PTSD is something he deals with and is aware of, but I don't know how to deal with it... or what my role is.

It leaves me feeling like I am standing on shaky ground that may suddenly fall apart. I feel like there are many things that he does not tell me about (he rented a room so he had a place to go if he felt like he needed to be alone. I only knew about this because I asked. I could "feel" it happening... and he was honest in telling me yes, I was right) He does not share anything else that is going on in his life... our conversations are now surface and generally only about football. Don't get me wrong, I like football to some degree... just not what I want to converse about.

I love this man with all my heart. I have never felt more love than when he showed me love. I want the man I fell in love with back. I see glimpses of him from time to time.... Sometimes I wonder if I am being the fool. I am in my early 40's and I don't want to live the rest of my life without affection. I want it from him though. I miss the way he used to hold me. I am grateful he is no longer drinking (something he only did when we were apart and before we got together) He somehow avoids it around me.

~~ So very confused and there is no place to look for answers if you are "just" the girlfriend. ~~

 

[LizardViolet]

Hopeforhealing,please check out the supporter threads. You will find a lot of good, first hand information there, and a supportive community of people who are and have been going through just what you're going through. The wiki on this site has some good suggestions for books to read as well.

Once you start to educate yourself, the next question will be, what is HE doing to manage his situation? Having a place he can go to retreat when he needs to be away from the world is good, sounds like he knows some of what he needs. But that's probably not the end of it.

 

[hopeforhealing]

LizardViolet,
I think he is in a waiting pattern for things to come through with the VA??? However it is also going to take him making it a priority. Thank you for your response. I am a little unsure about having books around about PTSD. I am worried he will be upset/stressed by this. That this is a "private" issue. Early on in our relationship it was never discussed. I only "figured out" what was going on after he left for Louisiana. hmmmmm quick on the uptake I know. Haha;)

 

[LizardViolet]

If you think it would be too pushy, certainly hold off on getting books. The wiki here is a good place to start. And the threads too! If you have a Kindle or a tablet or a smartphone, you can get some of the books online and then nobody will know what you're reading. (There's a Kindle app for both the iPhone and Android phones, and there are other book readers as well.)

Good luck, and don't be a stranger here. There's safety in numbers and comfort in common experience.

 

[Dallas]

You must focus on getting your own life in order first. What he does or doesn't do is secondary.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

The best thing you could do would be to focus on your own life. You could think about getting into therapy for yourself to help you deal with how this is affecting you. Treat yourself. Be kind to yourself go out with friends and just focus on being a good friend to yourself.

You can read up about it here. But the suggestion to go to the supporter section is a really good one. Lots of people who walk in your shoes who understand how you feel. You are not alone. Many are going through what you are going through.

I wish you the best. Good luck.

 

[BPH]

You can't fix him only he can do that. So forget it. Women always want to fix guys. They love 'projects' the more challenging, the better. All you can do is change yourself, and be happy about your own life.

I know for myself that I have real problems with intimacy. I can express it as being alone with death always in the room. I can talk about it, but it doesn't make it that much easier. I often feel that the woman I am with is an immature child. PTSD overstimulates and raises the bar way, way up for what is a problem. As in, "Hey. Nobody's shooting at us, there's a roof and food. It's a good day." I actually said that once to an American in Moscow who was freaking out over not being in a nice enough hotel when a flight was canceled. That was a guy. He shut up, which was a relief. If you can think of what your thoughts are about a toddler whining over not getting a lollipop, that's pretty much the feeling. If a person has been surrounded by dead bodies and killing, it puts everything else in perspective.

But there is also the matter of trust. I have been seriously betrayed, as in literally staring down the barrel of a gun with the finger of someone I trusted on the trigger. I'm alive because I moved instantly. That has deep impact.

Of course I have no idea where this guy is at beyond generalities. Trust me on this though, men bond through doing things together. Women maintain contact by talking and physical touch. Doing things together quietly may work. Like hiking, biking, camping, slacklining, climbing, bouldering. If you are quiet, he might even start talking. Or go to the gym and get strong. Really work the weights rather than be a little lady. Work up to an ironman triathlon. That feeling if you finish is a distant echo of what he feels.

That said, I am absolutely not in the camp of pussyfooting around. I think the women who suggest that are way off base. Just don't do that. He's not your girlfriend, he's a guy who has had his meter pegged past the redline. His meter is stuck there and won't go back. So be direct. Say exactly what you mean and mean exactly what you say. Don't beat around the bush. Forget about hints. He will not get them - period. That snowball in hell is where that's at. Do not try to relate to him like he is a girl. He is nothing like one. It just won't work. It sounds like that's what you are doing. It is quite likely boring the bleep out of him. Just a guess, but he is probably feeling like he can't tell you what he wants to say because you can't handle it. But don't hang on his arm, gaze earnestly at him and say, "Honey, you can say anything."

By all means, get books on PTSD. Never get in the habit of walking on eggshells. As soon as you see yourself doing that, stop it. Read whatever you like whenever you want. Do what you want to do. Say what is on your mind. See if you can be a little comedic about it. Soldiers make the most atrocious jokes all the time. It's part of how they cope. Take a look at youtube videos of what soldiers think is funny.

Just a guess, but if you can deal with a little roughhousing, go for it. Don't let it turn into abuse where you get scared of him though. You have to stand up for yourself.

And - be willing to let him go. It just might be that he's just not that into you. Or, he can't get into anybody cuz he's just all f***ed up. So don't wreck your life mooning over some guy if he doesn't give a hoot'n'holler. If he isn't into you, then get the hint and move on. You will be doing him and yourself a favor.

Oh. I'm a fan of hyperbaric oxygen for PTSD. Lots of times its associated with some brain damage and HBOT can help with that. Also, you might check his meds if he has some. Prozac can poleaxe his libido.

 

[Dallas]

Thank you very much for posting BPH! It is very helpful and insightful to get a man's perspective. Your post was very enlightening...and confirms a lot of things I suspected. It is good to have concrete answers to my questions.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

The way I've been doing it, I figure, if he's feeling good and wants to see me and be with me, then he'll call me. If he doesn't, he won't. And that about sums it up. I keep busy and keep my life full otherwise. I trust him. And when we're together we have a great time together. That's it. I've been keeping it very simple, and it's working so far.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[hopeforhealing]

I am going to try and type this again. My computer is giving me horrible problems, and erasing my posts!!! I may make my post in small increments. This is my 4th attempt, so forgive me if with each attempt my story has become shorter. :mad:

Thursday of last week the boyfriend was making his 3rd attempt to sleep in the bed with me. Something I very much want. Unfortunately, when he sleeps in the bed, I don't. He tends to sprawl out, and flop on me. The third night of this I was able to fall asleep before him. Until he woke me up. I was grouchy. I feel like he doesn't respect that I need to sleep and not wake up every 30 minutes. He leaned over and asked me if he'd woken me up. In my tired, cranky, annoyed space I said "YES". He got up, went into the living room. The next morning, I woke after another night of 3 hours of sleep, and said good morning to him. He did not answer. I said good morning again. He mumbled "morning". After my shower, and while I was dressing he left without saying a word. Then our cell phones were turned off. He has been paying my bill for a year (he insisted I get off my ex-husbands plan), So I paid the bill and texted him. He responded and let me know he'd be staying at "his room" (the room he's rented somewhere in case he needed to be alone). That was Friday. I have not heard from him since.

I am in the process of seeking counseling. I go to work and spend time with my children. I don't have a lot of friends. (That is another long story) I have spent the last 18 months waiting for him, and never wanting him to feel like I was "cheating" I stayed home in the evenings alone so he'd never have to worry.

I am unsure if this is something I can continue. When he was 2,500 miles away and didn't respond to my text messages, it was easy to say that perhaps he was out in the field, or busy. Now I know he is just not responding. I am his option while he is my priority.

 

[Enigma66]

Hi Hopeforhealing...Why on earth would you make this person your priority...? You have already waited 18 months for him and he is not forthcoming or supportive of you or your children? does he really care if you wait at home for him, and stay in at nights, probably not.

Wise up and ship out, you can make excuse after excuse, justify things, verify things, but it is what it is.

You are his fallback person, someone to go to and be with when he is down and out. If you want to educate yourself or read books about PTSD then go ahead! if he can't cope with this then that is his problem, not yours and you don't need to hide it from him.

You have every right to empower yourself and be knowledgeable about what you are getting into. If you need to tell him how you feel then go ahead, don't hold yourself back but do so carefully without anger or judgement but don't pussyfoot around, once again if he gets upset by this you may need to think is this what you really want?

you deserve better, don't waste your time on someone who isn't emotionally or physically avaible to you. Give the benefit of the doubt and compassion for him, but don't compromise yourself and your own happiness.

 

[Whitneys story]

Hi, I don't believe I have welcomed you to the Forum! On the home page are a lot of articles about PTSD.

As others have said, take care of yourself on your journey. There are many members willing to share. You have started in the best place. Whitney