I Was Doing So Well...what Went Wrong?

[Emily The Strange]

I was doing so well, I was able to go to work, go out and socialise and even try to enjoy myself. And then it went very wrong.

On Sunday afternoon my boyfriend and I were travelling to town along the same road that 3 years ago we was involved in a fatal car crash. I was feeling a little anxious as I always do as we drive passed the site but I was managing my anxiety well with the help of my boyfriend.

On the way back I was feeling much calmer and in fact quite relaxed. As we turned a corner I noticed cars with their hazard lights on in front. I immediately started to panic, images and sounds flooded my mind and I asked my boyfriend to stop. He could see what a state I was getting into so he refused and we carried on driving around the hazard and back to his house. As we passed the hazard my boyfriend tried his hardest to distract me but my attention was drawn to the wreckage of a car wrapped around a tree. I could see that nobody was badly hurt and that everyone was out of the car but I was a total mess the rest of that day and unable to drive myself home that evening.

Since then I have been very on edge, hyper vigilant and anxious. I have had numerous flashbacks and dissociations which before this I hadn't had for a while.

Nothing I seem to do seems to help me. I've taken my meds plus more, tried relaxation techniques but things just slowly slip back to how used to be. I am self neglecting and self harming again which obviously isn't good.

I have found one thing which I am very reluctant to continue as I don't want to use it as a crutch. I haven't done it in so long either that I was disappointed in myself at the same time. I smoked a joint or two. I cant smoke in or anywhere near the house as my parents would freak so I sit by the river and relax. It seems to work for a few hours and then it all fades back but at least for that small period of time I'm free of it all.

I'm stuck for ideas of what to try and I'm getting tired of being like this.

 

[IraqMedic68]

Emily, I hope I can call you by your first name. I completely understand what you are talking about. Before I jump into that, thank you for contributing what is obviously a very sensitive subject. I worked in EMS (Emergency Medical Services) as a Paramedic for about 15 years. Needless to say I responded to many situations that you described.

I actually had to leave my state of residence because I could not drive anywhere locally without experiencing flash backs and dissociative feelings from memories of managing really bad traumatic events.

I know it is a huge burden to bare when you are suffering from an event such as yours. And there have been many times when my medications just could not touch what I was dealing with. Can you see your therapist soon to talk about this? It sucks feeling alone during times like this and friends and family can only do so much.

I don't really support the boyfriends course of action as far as driving you pass the accident for you to see. I might sit down with him and ask him to make a detour in the future. Seems like that was just a bit to overwhelming for you in the moment. Perhaps in the future that might be o-k.

I look forward to hearing other peoples feedback on this and hope things improve for you quickly.


Adam

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Emily,

Is there any grounding exercises you could do? Sometimes I just start with focusing on my breathing.

I am hoping you feel better. I put myself in a holding pattern and try to get out and about doing "safe" things that are grounding and/or stimulate my senses. Music, movies, comedy, reading and writing also help.

Is there anything that you could do now to feel more grounded and/or give your mind a break and shift your focus?

Take care!

 

[Emily The Strange]

Thanks for the reply Adam.

At the moment I don't have a therapist. I am on yet another long waiting list to see somebody. It would really help to speak to someone professional. I try to speak to my family but they are not very supportive or try their best but don't get it right. My dad for instance tries so hard to help me that he ends up making things worse, but I love him for making the effort.

Usually by boyfriend would have gone a different way and avoided putting me through it all but it was the only way to get home. He lives on top of a hill and it was on the main road leading to his house, there was no way of avoiding it really. On previous occasions he has driven well out of his way to avoid anything that overwhelm me. He's amazing. One of the few that tries to help and actually 9 times out of 10 gets it right.


LhasaLover

I learned some grounding exercises when I was going through CBT last year. I found them helpful to some extent. I can focus on them and they will help if I am feeling slightly anxious and they can prevent me from getting overwhelmed but when it's a sudden onset such as Sunday's experience things like grounding do nothing for me.

What do you mean by putting yourself in a holding pattern?
Nothing I seem to do actually draws me in. I try to read and I can't focus, I watch TV or a film and I just stare at the screen and don't take it in and things like music, which I absolutely love I cant focus on either. I play the drums but when I'm in this state I can't even do that as I find the noise too much to bare.

There really isn't much I can do when I'm like this.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Emily,

Typically, how long does this state last? I keep myself busy with small things usually, busy stuff until I can function better. I try to focus on my breathing, drink water hourly and even if I get depressed, I try to push my way through it. I get a lot of rest as well. Talking on this forum should help, you can get validation and support.

My brother once took me to a very disturbing movie, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. After that movie I felt extremely depressed and was having flashbacks for days. The movie was experimental and so realistic it spooked me to the core. While I cannot stop my reactions, I try to live with them and not take me over. Is there a guilty pleasure you enjoy, nothing too challenging?

In any case, the forum is a little slow right now but I wanted you to know that you are not alone and I am here if you want to reach out. Talking is great therapy if you an find someone to talk to around you as well. Even if you are distracted, engaging in an activity can help that involves being with another person or a pet.

Hang in there Emily, this will pass.

 

[Emily The Strange]

Hi,

Usually I'm like this for a few days but this doesn't seem to be ending. I'm trying to keep myself busy at work and if I can't make it in then I'll busy myself around the house. Things have improved slightly, I managed a whole day at work yesterday and even managed to go swimming after work with my guy friends. Problem with that is that I now feel guilty for enjoying myself on top of everything else I was feeling. Today I have managed to get out of bed and tidy the house but the idea of leaving or doing anything else really makes me anxious. I'm very on edge and am startled very easily.

Usually when I'm feeling like this I like to play the drums, I can take my frustrations out on them at the same time as doing something that interests me. The rhythm draws me in and I can play the same beat for quite a while and just drift away ( not that my neighbours or my family enjoy it but hey). I don't cope very well with loud noises usually but drumming is one of the only loud noises I can actually deal with as long as it's me drumming. I get very anxious if someone else drums if they get out of rhythm, it's very odd. But today I don't fancy doing anything, I could quite happily sit and stare at the four walls of my bedroom all day. How depressing.