I was prepared

[Finchlet2]

Near the end I didn't want them to let my head back above the water. The painful bit is the fight for life. I met death over 30 times in those somewhere between three and five days. Then for years laughed death in the face. Now I have stuff to do, a life, love, reason. Death is haunting me at every turn.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am so sorry that happened to you. I can understand a little.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Near the end I didn't want them to let my head back above the water. The painful bit is the fight for life.

I so, so get you there. I have been in that place, where you realize all the struggling in the world won't help you get above the water, and you realize "so, this is how I die." And then a wave of peace and tranquility washed over me and I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders - it was a relief to know that there was not going to be any more struggling that I had to do, ever.

The struggle itself is certainly the painful, scary bit, full of terror and panic. The "fight for your life" part.

I'm so sorry that you had to experience things like that, so many times.

 

[Finchlet2]

I don't know what's wrong with me since I've stopped living almost entirely dissocociated but there's so much I've never noticed before in the here and now that's putting me right back to that extreme terror. No one around me can understand why it's so extreme that I had to pull genuinely huge clumps of my hair out yesterday just to demonstrate in a tangeble way to them that I am at my limit. Anybody who is uncomfortable discussing the female reproductive anatomy please read no further.. I dared look down there for the first time yesterday after years averting my eyes. I freaked out because you can see a lot more of the internal scarring from the object rape just from externally looking than I thought but there one bit in the bottom of my anterior vaginal canal wall that's like a thick growth with white bits coming off that smell like watermelon and because I've never looked before I don't know how long it's been there. I've not been for cervical smears. I've got to go to my son social services meeting now but I have group therapy tonight I might ask to talk privity with there female Councillor. I'm sorry if that was too explicit for anyone I'm just so lost in what a confusing place reality is.