Summary: I was raped, though my memory is really fuzzy, almost 5 years ago, on December 6th, 2006 (Never forget!). I think I ended up with PTSD, most of it matches up, and to be honest I'm pretty sick of this shit. I want help. I don't know if there's any kind of cure, but I'm willing to try anything.
Well hello there. I'm not entirely sure if I have PTSD, I'm pretty sure I do, the only symptom I didn't get was flashbacks.
But, PTSD or not PTSD, that event that took place almost half a decade ago has single handedly ruined my life. I can't focus in school anymore (or at all, really, I have a horrible time reading), I couldn't talk for two years, I dealt with and still have a bit of stutter for the following years, I lost all of my friends, I cut myself off from my family (Though I have reconnected for the most part), and I just feel really isolated and incompetent. I can't sleep at night, and spend most of my days scared. I don't feel comfortable being alone with another person, and for about a year I used to carry a knife on me due to paranoia but then weaned myself off it. I've fought social awkwardness for these past years, and I've overcome large parts of it but I'm still pretty messed up.
Honestly I just want my life back. That's my only goal in life, even though I know it's not possible. As a result I'm kind of lethargic all of the time, and I have little to no regard for my personal safety. I've screwed myself over more times than I could count.
A lot of this comes from me just being unrealistic. When it happened, I was 13, and I'm not entirely sure why but I was convinced that I would never make it to my 14th birthday. But then I did, and I was relieved. From then on, due to the way my life was going I figured I would never make it to my 18th birthday, and that I'd never make it to college. But I did. And instead of being relieved, I'm depressed. I guess immediately post rape I was determined to do the best that I could given what little time I thought I had, and now years later seeing how things have gone (Not very well compared to my peers), I just don't care anymore. I'm almost mad that I got this far.
I haven't told anyone about any of this. I was also almost sexually assaulted when I was 14 in the locker room, but I got away and sort of laughed about it and it never really affected me. I was completely reckless, I didn't give a damn about whatever happened to me. I used to get into fights for the adrenaline rush, but then I realized I was getting too hard and worked on softening myself up. By the time I graduated high school I was pretty good at making friends, but I'm just really bad at intimacy. I'm no good at being close to people.
I've had a lot of issues over the years, I wrote them down on a piece of paper because I was going to try to talk my friend out of joining the marines, but I didn't have the balls to do it so I never did. Most of it's just memory issues, and sensory issues. I dunno.
<Bold text edited to standard by Amethist>
Well hello there. I'm not entirely sure if I have PTSD, I'm pretty sure I do, the only symptom I didn't get was flashbacks.
But, PTSD or not PTSD, that event that took place almost half a decade ago has single handedly ruined my life. I can't focus in school anymore (or at all, really, I have a horrible time reading), I couldn't talk for two years, I dealt with and still have a bit of stutter for the following years, I lost all of my friends, I cut myself off from my family (Though I have reconnected for the most part), and I just feel really isolated and incompetent. I can't sleep at night, and spend most of my days scared. I don't feel comfortable being alone with another person, and for about a year I used to carry a knife on me due to paranoia but then weaned myself off it. I've fought social awkwardness for these past years, and I've overcome large parts of it but I'm still pretty messed up.
Honestly I just want my life back. That's my only goal in life, even though I know it's not possible. As a result I'm kind of lethargic all of the time, and I have little to no regard for my personal safety. I've screwed myself over more times than I could count.
A lot of this comes from me just being unrealistic. When it happened, I was 13, and I'm not entirely sure why but I was convinced that I would never make it to my 14th birthday. But then I did, and I was relieved. From then on, due to the way my life was going I figured I would never make it to my 18th birthday, and that I'd never make it to college. But I did. And instead of being relieved, I'm depressed. I guess immediately post rape I was determined to do the best that I could given what little time I thought I had, and now years later seeing how things have gone (Not very well compared to my peers), I just don't care anymore. I'm almost mad that I got this far.
I haven't told anyone about any of this. I was also almost sexually assaulted when I was 14 in the locker room, but I got away and sort of laughed about it and it never really affected me. I was completely reckless, I didn't give a damn about whatever happened to me. I used to get into fights for the adrenaline rush, but then I realized I was getting too hard and worked on softening myself up. By the time I graduated high school I was pretty good at making friends, but I'm just really bad at intimacy. I'm no good at being close to people.
I've had a lot of issues over the years, I wrote them down on a piece of paper because I was going to try to talk my friend out of joining the marines, but I didn't have the balls to do it so I never did. Most of it's just memory issues, and sensory issues. I dunno.
<Bold text edited to standard by Amethist>
