I Wish My Mother Had Killed Me.

[NovemberStar]

I really do. Last birthday I spent the day crying and wishing I had just been stillborn. I work in obstetrics and so I know firsthand how many things 'could' go wrong in a birth, and I really felt so hurt and debilitatingly sad I hadn't been one of those stillborn babies. It would have served my mother right - although I guess she didn't become a bad person until AFTER I was born, so that is a moot point.

I have had a really hard week. I have felt so let down and hurt by my T and my caseworker (I posted about that in another thread in therapy section). I know my hurt is more painful because of my mother's treatment of me growing up. I cried so much tonight, and wished so much, again, that she had just killed me. I thought she was gong to kill me when she hit me. I just wish she HAD.

If she had killed me, I wouldn't be here to suffer through the memories, the trauma. She would have been arrested, put in jail, labeled a child abuser / killer. My sister would have not had to have her mother her, and maybe she might have had a better outcome for her life for it too. My Dad - well, it wouldn't have changed his life much. He barely recognized I existed anyway, he was so damn emotionally cut off.

And it makes me so angry that both of them are DEAD. They probably have the peace I crave and ache for so badly. Yet I'm left behind to suffer and struggle and they 'get off', having to not see what they did to me.

I used to pray my mother could 'see' me from whatever heaven / hell / whatever she is in. I used to hope like hell she could SEE and FEEL my pain; that every time I cried and hurt and grieved for what she did to me, and for dying on me, she would feel it ten times over. And be powerless to do a thing about it. That for every year I have cried and struggled since she died (nearly 30 years ago, when I was 10), she felt that pain RIGHT THERE too. That she hasn't 'rested in peace' AT ALL since she died. That she has seen and felt every single pain and trauma I have had to go through, starting with her death.

I don't wish she was still alive - even though I think it's unfair she is dead and doesn't have to face what she did to me, ever - I think had she survived and been my mother for another 10 years, I'd be even more f*cked up than I am now. Although it would be GREAT to be able to phone her up and scream down the phone to her how much a f*ck UP of a mother she was.

I feel my life has been a waste - I feel guilty that I don't appreciate the life I have been given - I am not physically disabled. I don't have a terminal cancer or multiple sclerosis. I have my 'faculties'. I know there would be a billon people in the wider world that would give ANYTHING to swap lives with me and take my place even with the baggage and pain I have to carry.

Why can't the people that don't want to be here get the terminal cancers? If ?I could swap with one of them - give them my life, a chance to get better and be ALIVE, I would do it. I feel so bad I don't appreciate what I have.

 

[ElectricHelga]

I totally hear you. My primary abuser (dad) died 10 years ago next month. It's still an issue for me, although feeling guilty about my own feelings is becoming less frequent. Much support to you.

 

[marylouise]

I have a good life now. It's the result of a lot of work in therapy and life. Yet, I can't accept that it makes up for all of the pain that I've suffered. I thought about suicide during the worst of the abuse and after. Sometimes when the memories rear their vicious heads and I'm in pain, I ruminate that I could have avoided so much pain if I had killed myself then. I'm not actively suicidal at all. I could never do that now - to my partner & other loved ones, to my own body which I've worked so hard to take care of. There is something in me that is healthy and self-loving that could never allow that. But it still seems rational that I could have avoided all that pain if I had done it then. My therapist said 15 years ago that I would feel grateful someday that I hadn't killed myself then, that my life would seem worth all of the pain I've been through. It hasn't yet. But life now is good. I've gotten through the horror. So I focus on everyday living. It is okay now. And often better than okay. I wonder about you: why are you alive? what is it in you that gets up everyday and eats food and goes out and buys toilet paper and goes into therapy and does all the minutiae of living? Something is present in us, both of us, that keeps us going. It's important to recognize that.

Please don't ignore the reality of your own pain. You may not be disabled in a visible way, but what you went through is disabling. You need recovery. You need to heal. You will struggle. Just as much - or more - than a visibly disabled person.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you for the replies. I told my T I felt this way, and it helped. I think she was a bit stunned really. Not that I make eye contact - but it's amazing what you can 'sense' when you're not looking. Kinda like how if you're blind your hearing is better. There was a definite heavy … something in the room. Sadness? I don't know. But it felt good to have said it - and it felt GREAT that she heard, and believed me… really heard and really believed me. And sort of 'took' some of it away just by her begin there, and .. bearing witness to my pain I suppose. Even without the eye contact, I felt her right there with me, in a non-scary way.

In the past, I have actually contemplated suicide and my thought process was that - if in some way, my suicide would be 'felt' by my mother - if she can somehow 'see' and 'know' it happened, I'd do it just to make her suffer. But hat of course ASSUMES she would suffer. No doubt, she would probably just think of her own pain, and how terrible it was for HER, to have a child kill themselves.

The more in touch I get with feelings and experiences from childhood, the more I am convinced she probably did have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

[Notsowild]

@NovemberStar... I felt the same way as a child. I went with my father on a trip to the city. I was about 11. We were in this hotel room. Later that night he tried to abuse me. I screamed and hollered and he put a pillow over my face to shut me up. I was kicking and screaming and then I just stopped fighting - I wanted to die. He took the pillow off and proceeded to rape me. I stayed quiet and went to my dissociate place. I wished he would have killed me.

 

[dnp]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I felt this way for years, maybe even decades. It's a horrible feeling. I think I know just how you feel. I hope you will feel better soon.