I Wish My Teachers Had Noticed....

[shiraz]

I was extremely withdrawn and quiet. I could not speak in class. I was often confused by my surroundings, disorientated .... at times I experienced temporary amnesia where I did not know who my teacher was and which class I was in, I would recognize kids in my class but forget their names during such times. I had huge and sudden weight gain. At recess i would wonder around, I was too afraid to be seen sitting alone as this would draw attention. I often had cold sores on my lips which would not heal for weeks. I was often exhausted as I had stayed up all night waiting for my father to go to bed.

My family was well esteemed in the community and my parents put on a good show of always being at meetings and dressing me well. I think if someone had looked at my sibling and noted that she wet her pants everyday at school, they might have put two and two together ...... teachers of that era were closed minded and educated. They left well enough alone and the parents left them alone in return.

As a teacher myself, I look out for any signs of emotional discomfort. Children do their best to hide abuse, some use perfectionism and some act out, some are withdrawn and some are overbearing .... whatever the behaviour watch for the child's emotional response to self ... this is where distress becomes clear.

 

[suzie q]

Wow, what a good thing you're doing!! Let's see...in grade school I was extremely hyper and talkative (I was always getting put in the corner), everybody had to be my friend, and everyone hated being around me. By the time I was in Jr. High, I felt like I didn't belong anywhere so I hung out in a girl gang (back then all we did was fist fight, steal, and bully). I was always the one being talked into doing the dirty deeds cause I never got caught and I wanted to fit in. I had no identity at home, my mom was mental and very controlling so I had to be the good little girl. It felt good to be a rebel behind her back. By High School I pretty much was not part of any good click (even though I tried like h*ll!) so I hung out with the "losers", smoked anything I could get my hands on, drank and ran away from home at 16 to some other town and tried to commit suicide after some terrible trauma. I eventually was diagnosed with bi-polar and some other disorders at 26. My teachers then knew nothing about mental illness or how to target kids with disorders. Thanks for making this information available in the classrooms. My husband is a 7-12 Math teacher in a very small town with lots of disfunctional families. He would love to know your info!!

Love, suzie q

 

[2quilt]

I grew up in a time when the police, neighbors and teachers did not get involved in stuff that happened inside the home. The police would ask the man of the house if everything was alright, and then leave. Nobody wanted to take responsibility.

I sucked my thumb in public until I was 14. I was the kid whom everyone hated, teased, bullied, tormented. I got blamed for every broken coke machine, every stolen book and every car breakin, even though I never broke the law in my life back then, as a child.

I even told the school principle that something was going on at home. He called in my mother, asked her in front of me, she denied understanding what I was talking about, and that was the end of it.

I would tell all teachers and adults in general that if you suspect some abuse is going on, ask the kid. Then report it and follow up that the abuse is stopped and the kid gets proper help. Take some friggin responsibility.

 

[Grainne]

I was a tiny little, skinny, terrified bundle of nerves. I cried when I had to speak in front of the class (even show and tell), I cried if someone laughed at something I said, I cried if too many people looked at me; heck, I cried at my own birthday parties when the kids sang "happy birthday" to me. I did not want to engage...tried to be as quiet and invisible as possible. If I could get through a day without talking to anyone, I would do so. When I got home, I would hide in my closet until someone came and made me join the family for dinner.

 

[macpayne]

This is a very triggering subject for me....... I did not like school and school and the teachers involved did not like me. I was so angry, defiant, aggressive and did anything and everything to push people away. The only way I knew was to be a defiant little bitch. Little did I know it was my wall and the only way I knew how to protect myself and survive.
I went to a counsellor, who I knew did not like me and told him that I found my sister in a pool of blood the night before and my Dad was the cause of it. He dismissed my conversation and sent me back to class. Little did I know he called my Dad. He began to tell him that I was telling lies and that they may want to deal with me. Well my Dad dealt with me alright. I was beaten when I got home from school. I never reached out again. I know I pushed everyone away but as a child someone should have seen the pattern between my brother,sister and me and done something.
What I would look for as a teacher.......
Someone who is angry, emotional, poor grades and poor hygiene. I never had a lunch and never had new clothes. I was never prepared for school, supply wise. I was popular because it was better to be my friend then my enemy. Today those people don't even look my way.
I needed someone who I could trust and someone who wasn't going to judge me. I needed someone to care. I needed someone to save me from the hell I was living but no one came..........
If I could go back in time I would have called CAS myself. I would have tried to get help for myself and my brother and sister. I will hold resentment to the man that dismissed my complaint for life. He could have saved us but instead he decided to look the other way. He wasn't the only one, but the only one to actually call me a liar.
Anyways thanks for this topic......

 

[Hen]

I wish I could answer this as it has been on my mind so much. I was from a very comfortable family. On the surface we were how all families were supposed to be. Others thought we were a great family and the teachers thought I was a bit of a pain but nothing major. There was probably nothing to spot. Which makes me think that people should be aware that it can happen in any family no matter what the parents seem like or how the child behaves. I was too frightened to be anything other than perfect. I remember getting a beating for coming 2nd in a maths test and I was in the top set.

I wish I could suggest something but maybe from my experiences the answer is do not assume that because the child and family look perfect that they are, all I wanted was someone to intervene.

 

[teknisa]

I too wish my teachers would have caught on. My abuse happened when I was in the 1st grade and discovered that it happened when I was in the 3rd grade. In 6th and 7th grade my mother wanted to have me tested for a learning disability because she couldn't understand why I wasn't doing well. I met with my teachers and a school psychologist to be questioned and evaluated and my parents were also questioned as to why they feel I might have a problem.

MY MOTHER NEVER, NOT ONCE, MENTIONED THE FACT THAT I HAD BEEN ABUSED SEXUALLY TO THE PSYCHOLOGIST!!!!! even though we'd been through social services, we'd seen a psychologist after it was reported to police, my abuser went to court was found guilty etc etc......she didn't even think that it could be the MAIN reason as to why I was having a difficult time in school. Shame on her

I didn't mention it because who wants to talk about that stuff when your 10/11 with people you don't know? And I was never asked by any school 'professionals'. So the mystery remained.

I was tested and did not have a learning disability. I couldn't do math and was slow to learn it. I didn't know how to multiply untill the 7th grade. I couldn't understand grammer and sentence structure. My grades were poor and I didn't have many friends.

In HS I was tested 2 more times for a learning disability because my mother was unhappy with my poor grades. Again, nothing was found and I don't have a learning disability. I had tutors in math all the way from elementary school to HS. I suffered from test anxiety and I could study study study but on the day of the test I'd just forget it all. I'd have to reread questions on testes 10 times before I understood what they were asking.

It was the anxiety that kept me from learning. I hated being assigned a seat, esp when I had to sit in the front of class, I felt people were stairing at me constantly, I could never relax. I hated being in a hallway full of people with lots of camotion at lockers. I had a hard time going through the lunch line to get food and would often ask other kids to either go for me or go with me. I couldn't handle money or paying for things because I'd easily get confused and not know what to do.

I hated being called on and put on the spot, most of the time I daydreamed in class and could never answer what the teacher was asking because I couldn't pay attention. I couldn't sit still in study hall. I could not wait to get home at the end of the day. I had a really hard time socializing.

The things I excelled in were Art, Music and Sports. I got A's in art but C's and D's in everything else. I know how to play 7 different instruments and was in band, and I was on Jv swim team for 3 years and varsity track for all 4, I lettered all 4 years for track and was team captin for 2 years, I almost made it to state. Those 3 things were my outlets everything else I just wanted to be away from.

I didn't learn what anxiety was until I was 23. Had my mother of said something way back when to school teachers and psychologists something could have been done to help me learn better....

I told her when I was diagnosed that I had cptsd and her response was and I quote "Oh, I guess now we know..." That's the only acknowledgment I've ever gotten from her that my abuse has caused me great suffering.

 

[2quilt]

I was trained as a teacher, but for adults, because I emotionally can't handle being around vulnerable children. Children creep me out because they are so innocent and vulnerable to the will of corrupt adults. I am an incest survivor.
In all my training, I never got one hour's worth of training on how to identify or report abuse in my students. I got CPR training, even a semester on mainstreaming disabled students, but nothing on how to identify abuse.
Teachers of children are second parents to kids. Teachers spend long periods of time with kids 5 days a week; they really get to know their students.

It's just amazing to me how abuse and PTSD is so common in society. Ask anyone, and either they have been abused or know first hand someone who has been abused. I can smell when I am talking to another incest or rape survivor. It's so common.

So if it's that common, why do the teachers do nothing or, worse, dismiss or discredit a child when the teacher suspects abuse? Just life experience can tell an adult that something is wrong when a student behaves strangely, is permanently angry or very skinny, sucks a thumb constantly as a teenager past puberty, or stays in a trance state.

I wish that teachers were trained in abuse identification and reporting so that more kids could be saved from abusive homes. I wonder if the teachers who do nothing fear the "system" that takes kids from homes and puts them in foster or makes them wards of the state; maybe the teachers feel that leaving the kids in the abusive home is "better" than foster care.

 

[a3a2]

I am sorry, guys. I thought I could do this, but I can't. I feel so strongly about it. I feel it is often overlooked, but I am afraid at this time, I cannot be the one to highlight it. I wanted to be your voice, but I just can't :( At least, not right now.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Reading all the posts in this thread has triggered a few things in me ,but not like you would think.

It has me realizing I can not put myself in the school cafeteria in any school or grade. No memory what so ever, not even high school. I don't remember the crowded halls or lockers of high school. I actually have no memory of any of my school days.

I do remember very clearly spending a lot of time throwing up in the middle of the night. Especially around the age of 10. IT was always associated with some kind of school oral report, I think???

Mother says my 1st day of kindergarden was spent crying so bad my dad stood outside the school room window so I could see him, all day.

 

[On the Outside Looking In]

To a3a2,

It is okay. :Hug_emoticon: Your intentions were good. The timing is just not right for you. Maybe this thread will encourage someone else to speak out in the future. Plus, I personally got a lot out of writing my post for this thread and plan to use it with my intensive counselor. I don't think I have ever told anyone before how I felt at school....

One thing you might want to consider doing for this weekend is to make up and hand out printed list of "signs of anxiety to watch for in students" and maybe make up a second list of "things teachers can do to help the anxious student". Get permission to use quotes from this thread if you like.

Maybe handing out printed list(s) or printed info would be easier for you then speaking? This might be a modified way you could still do what you originally planned without causing yourself too much anxiety. By the way, you have my permission to use anything in my post (or the whole thing) in anything you wish to print to educate others about helping children and students. Seeing what previous anxious, suffering students have experienced in their own written words might have more of an impact anyway than you speaking briefly.
Just a thought....

Again, no worries from this member of the peanut gallery! :Hug_emoticon:
On the Outside Looking In

 

[Still Trying]

As a teacher, I'm reading this thread with great interest. My PTSD developed after I'd been teaching for 15 years, and I know I am now much more sensitive to students' anxiety and depression. What I have always wondered about, though, is how to best help them. Maybe you all can give me some insight.

I teach high school, and I have had many students who have been/are being abused. Some have confided in me, some I have figured out on my own. I must report it to their counselor, and I do, but I always wonder. In my experience, the child must be in imminent danger of immediate death to be removed from the home. Otherwise, the police visit the family who tells them everything is fine, and the child really gets it once they leave. I then feel bad for making them hurt even worse. Some kids have been very angry with me, and others have thanked me for at least trying.

There are many kids I have wished I could just take home with me, but aside from it being illegal, I'm frightened of their parents as well. It defies logic, but it seems that the parents who care the least for their children are the most violent defenders of their parental rights.

At any rate, I'd love suggestions as to how I can better help these kids.