Childhood I Wish...

[Copper Princess]

I really wish I could talk about the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child. My therapist wants me to go into detail and verbally tell her every incident I remember. I just cant, we have tried so many different things. I get started talking about an incident and I go into a panic attack and she makes me stop.

I really wish I had more control so I could just talk to her.

 

[void]

@Copper Princess

Why does she think that re-living your trauma in great detail will help ease your suffering?

If describing it is making you much worse, what are you gaining?

 

[SophiaWisdom]

What kind of T is she and what is the modality?

I and many others here are in EMDR and their focus is NOT retraumatizing, but to find a way to move through it and process it. There are several important tenets:

1) NO retraumatizing. that makes things worse.
2) You will be able to tell quickly if EMDR is not for you (a certified specialist will know this)
3) Grounding is #1 and a T will work on these techniques FIRST
4) If this doesn't work, there are other modalities to treat PTSD, including Somatic Experiencing, which is supposed to be noninvasive. Invasive techniques are falling out of popularity in this country in favor of gentler modalities.

 

[Copper Princess]

@Copper Princess

Why does she think that re-living your trauma in great detail will he...

She says the more I talk about it the easier it. That is not working for me. She specializes in trauma, domestic violence, depression, and abuse mainly. I have asked her what we can do but she believes this is the best way. It makes me feel like quitting. She is not just this way with the childhood abuse but with the sexual assaults, and the abusive relationship I just got out of. She wants details on all of it but I feel like a failure because I just cant do it.

Thank you for your reply!!

 

[Bristol]

I am having the same problem, i cannot make my mouth say any words about it. One think that helps me sometimes is to write it down in a folded bit of paper and leave it in the middle of the table then we talk around it, sometimes i will leave the paper where it is and she reads it once i have gone sometimes it helps once she knows what it is even if i havent physically told her though im hoping one day i might break through the barrier somehow

 

[Missycat]

I would echo @SophiaWisdom comments.

Im having a mix of emdr and talk therapy because for me i wanted to get everything out and be heard. As a kid i felt i was screming for help and no one listened.
My T tho does leave it to me on how much detail i want to give. I still find it difficult and dissociate a lot so she works on grounding with me. I found it easier to email her or write it down rather than speak it - could you do that?
With Emdr you dont have to provide any detail to process the trauma and i have seen some improvements with the the work i have done with my T.
Good luck on your healing journey.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

I would echo @SophiaWisdom comments.

Im having a mix of emdr and talk therapy beca...

Oh that's so interesting! We're still in history taking (and we've spent many initial sessions just doing talk therapy so we can establish some trust and I can get comfy with my T) but he actually said he wanted to hear about the sexual abuse from my mother so he knew what he was dealing with.

Would you be able to give some more details of how your EMDR went and how you process without details? Did you at one time go into details? I actually don't mind b/c it was so long ago and maybe b/c she was a female. Sorry if this is detracting from the thread, please feel free to have us move this to my own thread on EMDR (in Therapy I believe) or privately unless OP wants to hear too!

 

[VioletButterfly]

My therapist wants me to go into detail and verbally tell her every incident I remember. I just cant, we have tried so many different things. I get started talking about an incident and I go into a panic attack and she makes me stop.

I really wish I had more control so I could just talk to her.

She says the more I talk about it the easier it. That is not working for me. She specializes in trauma, domestic violence, Depression, and abuse mainly. I have asked her what we can do but she believes this is the best way. It makes me feel like quitting. She is not just this way with the childhood abuse but with the sexual assaults, and the abusive relationship I just got out of. She wants details on all of it but I feel like a failure because I just cant do it.

I re-read your entries a few times... It seems everyone is addressing this from the standpoint of the therapist pushing you. So, is she pushing you or are you pushing yourself? Everyone has given you great advice if the T is pushing you. From what I can tell, she seems to be taking a traditional path that seems to be based upon exposure therapy. Have you done any basic work on grounding techniques and coping mechanisms? Either way, from what you're written, your T's approach doesn't seem to agree with you. Personally, I've been there, "retraumatized" that way too many times with ineffectual and/or harmful therapists. This approach raises several red flags. There should be nothing "forceful" in trauma therapy. (my opinion) It's not a basketball game, no hard-core coaching for answers allowed and no points/rebounds or bench marks to be earned or evaluated.

If you are pushing yourself to disclose despite your intuition directing you otherwise, you might want to look at what is motivating you to do so. Complex trauma is multi-layered and is very intertwined, so it takes time. This is where self-compassion and kindness enter the room with you, handing you tissues and maybe a stuffed animal to hug. I would caution against disclosing when you have this amount of inner conflict on board. It seems to be necessary to build trust within yourself so that everyone inside knows that you will protect all parts of yourself. This takes time and a therapist can certainly be very helpful in this process, especially if you need help with identity, boundary, life skills, coping and grounding. You don't have to go this alone, just get the right therapist who is equipped to help you where you're at and who knows how to get you to where you want/need to go.

Once you've built a solid foundation based upon knowing who you are and that you're on your own team, then you can move forward to more difficult aspects of the therapy process. "It takes as long as it takes." At least this is what I've come to know the hard way in doing everything backward, rushing/feeling compelled to a), b), c) without understanding why, being re-traumatized by others and re-traumatizing myself. Take care. VB

 

[Deleted member 8714]

What kind of T is she and what is the modality?

I and many others here are in EMDR and their focus is NOT retraumatizing, but to find a way to move through it and process it.

In the beginning of my therapy, I found that "reliving" what happened to me through talk therapy was the only way I could make sense of it all. I needed to have someone hear me, believe me, and tell me I wasn't crazy. I used grounding techniques way before anyone, even a therapist, knew what they were. I first started therapy in 1978 before childhood abuse was known to cause PTSD.

The worst therapist I had pushed me to talk about what happened and that backfired on her and me. It became abusive; she was the power-monger and I her peon. I left her and found someone who never prodded and allowed me to reveal my abuse (and that therapist's abuse) at my own pace. As a result of the pushy therapist, I was set back in my healing and had to recovery from her abuse before remembering what happened to me as a child. It took 10 years before the truth about my childhood resurfaced again.

I've read about EMDR in the book, The Body Keeps The Score, and it's not recommended for those who suffered complex childhood trauma. For childhood trauma, it has a 25% success rate.

Later in therapy, a combination of different techniques including body work, journaling, writing, artwork, play therapy, playacting (something I did privately), and therapy worked the best for me. Therapists who allowed me to speak about the atrocities I witnessed in my own time and way helped me recover.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

In the beginning of my therapy, I found that "reliving" what happened to me through talk therapy was...

Interesting! Ive heard similar sentiments and have talked about this too with my own T - it does seem varied. Hopefully those doing it will be in the 25% :) That's my prayer for everyone at least lol.

Have you found modalities that are great for CPTSD or are the ones you listed the best? (the combo of things you mentioned)

 

[Copper Princess]

I re-read your entries a few times... It seems everyone is addressing this from the standpoint...

@VioletButterfly she is the one pushing. I have never talked to anyone about it and she says it is very important that I do so. She says it will help her understand better. I have told her the very basics like I was molested for several years by a cousin, I have been raped twice and my ex used to hit me with a belt when I did not do things the way he liked. This is not good enough for her. I started therapy in May because I had a major break down at a friend's house after seeing one of the guys that raped me. It took me a long time to tell her this stuff. I have tried and she sees what it does but is still very persistent on me going into detail. I may try reading the book on EMDR and see if it will help.

Thanks everyone!

 

[VioletButterfly]

Have you had a conversation with your therapist about her approach and expectations, and your reactions to her approach? If not, perhaps printing out this thread and taking it in with you might help to get the conversation going. Let us know if there is something else the forum can help you with. Best to you. VB