I wish

[Casey_03]

I wish I had an ally. Just one ally. Just one person in my life who would support me and tell me I'm doing a good job, who would listen to me vent about how hard things are and tell me to keep my head held high and keep going.

I need that kind of support so badly it feels like a physical sickness. Oddly, it seems like I had more support when I was in Ukraine. I wasn't necessarily close to anyone there, but acquaintances often told me I was brave for being a single mom, there were words of encouragement. People took an interest in how I was managing. There was a nice girl at work who would at least message me online sometimes to ask how things were. I had a journalist friend to call and vent to.

How is it possible that I'm home now and I don't have any support? I don't have any allies here. Or friends. The only contact I have is online, but I really need real-life support. I have a T, but I don't see her as an ally. That's not the kind of support I want and need.

I'm alone every day. All day. All night. I mean, I have my little man, my adorable 10-month-old. But it's not like I can vent to him about how difficult it is to raise him alone and have him offer words of support.

Every other mother I've spoken to here (be it a friend of a friend, an aunt, a cousin, etc) has minimized my situation and said, "Being a single mother is no different than being a mother with a partner." No one, not a single person, has even acknowledged how much effort and energy and sacrifice I am putting into being a single mother. No one in my family, no one.

How can I be surrounded by family in my hometown and feel more alone here than I ever did in Russia or Ukraine?

 

[desiderata310]

"Being a single mother is no different than being a mother with a partner

The only people who would say that are people who've never been a single mother.
Seriously.
Look, there are groups out there. Single mom support groups. yeah yeah. It sounds like a terrible idea but the thing is that being a mom can be isolating. Being a single mom is can be like being in a desert island. Could I gently suggest you look for a single mom group to find the friendship support and yes, the ally you seek?

There's this thing called Meetup on line. It's allowing people with all sorts of interests the opportunity to connect with others who have the same interests. Another option is the possibility of connecting through a church if you attend.

I KNOW what it can be like to feel that isolated.
You appear to be in a completely different country! That brings with it a kind of cultural isolation to go along with it.
While it's a poor substitute for real people in real life, you DO have this site as well.

 

[Sighs]

When I was a single mother, working full time with a special needs child, my father told me I had made my bed and I had to lie in it. Because clearly I somehow asked for a special needs child and clearly it was my fault I left my husband the third time I caught him cheating... Sigh!

Sadly, you will have to be your own cheerleader on this one.

 

[void]

Great post @Casey_03

You are SO clear in explaining your suffering.

My life is similar on certain levels.

Most will never understand the ache...it is so desperately painful and relentless.

The touch of a friend on a shoulder....that touch that says, "I know, I care, I'm on your side"

No substitute for that...................:(

May you finally have your needs met....somehow.:hug:

 

[Sandstone]

be it a friend of a friend, an aunt, a cousin, etc

It sounds as if they are all part of a circle that shares a minimising attitude. As a great minimiser, I know that trait runs through my family, and that I am drawn to the familiar, so it was easy to surround myself with that one attitude. Where can you go to meet people outside that circle? Where do generous, kind people tend to go in your area? That is the place you need to spend your time and energy.

 

[Casey_03]

Yes, there are single mom and single parent support groups, but they all meet when I'm working. I work seven days a week, so it's next to impossible to go meet new people or do anything for myself. I also don't have a babysitter or anyone to watch little man for me (and I can't even afford it right now, so I guess that'll have to wait). So, until things change (if they ever do?), I guess I'm stuck relying on virtual support for now. And virtual support on here is great, of course, everyone is more understanding and supportive than my family .... but sometimes real-life interaction is important.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Have you considered or done any research with regard to conference call groups? This just popped into my mind as Al Anon and several of the other 12-step groups have many call-in meetings in the evenings and on week-ends. Maybe Google around and see what you can find.

I hear you on the day-time meetings.... It's hard when you work. I hope maybe you can find a call-in group. If not, maybe it's a season in life where you turn inward and become your own friend. Seek out your inner light and creativity. Find a passion for living from what inspires you and take whatever light you can gather from outside of you (aka the love between you and your son) to create the warmth and connection you seek. A time to really figure out what you and your son need and what you want out of life and for his life.

I have found that sometimes it helps to look at life in seasons. They are not forever and change will come, we just have to be patient and make the most out of each day for ourselves. Just taking it one day at a time and finding the small joys in the details of life... Gratitude journal? Just a few thoughts.

 

[Casey_03]

@VioletButterfly Thank you, that is an excellent idea about a gratitude journal. I have been trying to stay strong by reminding myself each day of how blessed I am to even have a son, so it would make sense to take that a bit further and start a journal. Or maybe try to channel it into something else creative. Painting is on my list but I'm waiting till I have more money to buy supplies. I also find it really helpful to take photos of my son when I'm depressed. It's an instant mood booster just to capture him on film and be able to look back at it. So, there are remedies to cheer me up a bit. And I agree with you on the seasons aspect too -- I know this is probably temporary and I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better.

I guess I should use the opportunity to really practice positive thinking.

 

[Heather]

I feel for you. When my daughter was a baby ..I pretty much had to do everything myself... No man, very little family support.

I did join a moms group but I was the only one there without a husband and most meetings all the other moms did was talk about their hubbies...not for me.

I will tell you when my daughter went to preschool... I made lots of friends with the other parents and my daughter had tons of play dates. We even swapped child care. It was nice and fun.

I know this a few years away but there is a light.

Hang in there Casey