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I Wonder About My Other Half - The Effects Of PTSD On Relationships

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Ohh yeay!! the two most bad-ass girls in the forum are teaming up!! awesome! the two chicks that i looked up to the most....I am not going to talk shit to you guys..believe me or not i do have respect for the both of you.. and yes i posted here because i wanted to hear from you guys. yes, i have thought of this before...have posted this before (sorry i am so godd*anm annoying).... but i have been wondering the same shit for that long as well...Why should i have to wonder forever if my husband wants to be with me still?? I want to be with him and he knows that! Hes changed a lot and nobody knows what we go through and its not all PTSD, its more than that. i really dont want to live a lie anymore...So pretty much what i hear alot of in here in is leave the PTSD sufferer to live his life, dont bother him, let him do as he wishes with no responsibilities and no reality, no love, no one to care.... ok....so nobody needs to be married in that case or even be in a relationship
Simple as that right?
I do apologize if i did sound harsh (i did ask for opinions)...im saying sorry because i want to not because i expect the same or deserve it or am going to get it.
I introduced my husband to this site... i found it because i wanted to learn about what he was going through because I FREAKING CARE ABOUT HIM!!!
a few corrections. I never asked to be told that i am perfect for staying...NEVER... and i never asked to be told every 5min that he loves me..i have never done that, and nobody should do it. you got the wrong point obviosuly...it goes deeper than that. Its just weird how people can give such specific opinions on things they dont even know.... yeah like i want him to leave me so he can be the bad guy and i only do everything for him because i only care about myself... its sad.....I care about my husband like i have never cared about anyone in my life, he means the world to me and this is what i get....well i will make it a point to just read from now on and learn as much as possible and not post anywhere because apperantly i upset people...
i do care about all you guys and i am sorry it has to be this way.... i never meant any harm.... hell maybe i am jealous because i have problems too (that you guys would not even know about) and i feel alone as well.... i try my best to be there for my husband but i am not ok myself....its hard... bye
Maybe you should share those problems so the people of the forum can have an idea where you are coming from? Because we are going to respond to what we see. Look at it like this wife is pissed off and hubs asks what wrong? She says nothing and is angry her husband is not a mind reader... Same idea going here. We are not mind reader nor know what issues you have personally aside from what you post.

But attacking Bec or I for giving a no BS response, to something that has been posted over and over by you, in the chat PTSD is not needed or warranted. Thing is we don't get upset at answering once or twice the same thing especially if someone has not asked it before as the forum is so full of info it can be hard to find it all. But when it comes from the same person well, you get what you got without sugar coating it as bec put it.

And well the responsibilty thing and all that we have been down that road before too and right now I am just not in the best spirits to revisit it again right now.
I never attacked Bec, nor would i ever want to... if i did something wrong somebody needs to let me know so that i dont do it again... i am not here to talk shit to anybody. I like Bec actually, always have. I was being aggressive (which is different) but i was talking about my own experience and what i am going through. I dont understand why you guys took it as an attack :( i was upset, yet with Andre i had no problem...i think you guys were being aggressive as well...
Yes, there is alot more going on that you guys dont know..the reason i dont spead my "drama" is because i am here to learn about PTSD not solve my own personal problems :( nobody see's that......i dont want it to be about me. Its about my husband who has PTSD, and i want to learn how to cope with it, and learn the process for him getting better. Thats why i am here..
Hate to say it, but i dont want to end up like most supporters here who are separated, and their husbands dont want to be with them anymore :( that makes me so sad. I care about them...but what can you say to make them feel better??? nothing!! They have lost the person they love.
If anything i feel attacked, i dont want to end up divorced... yet i cant ask my husband if he still wants to be married to me (and its not about, well he still at home, it goes deeper like i have said) I have a doctors appoinment today and i bet anybody here that i have wayyyy more issues than my husband...its sad... yet this is the first time in my life that i am getting help... after 28 years :(
Apologies for the perfect comment, Andrea42. Maybe that was too much in that statement and could have chosen a better word. Also, the "every five minutes" is used not in a literal term. Sorry, if that was not clear also. Hope you accept the apologies but it can feel like every five minutes when my husband bugs me... So you have a PTSDer point of view like you asked for by posting here.

No where has anyone attacked you in this thread like you say you feel. I gave what it is like in my home.

But I would like to point something out. You have posted on more than one occasion you have problems or other issues and now you state you have more than your husband who has PTSD. You keep leading this on for a sort of cat and mouse. As you do not want to detract from the PTSD according to you. Well, that is what is happening currently as you do point this out often but yet refuse to share to get the proper advice to what you are dealing with. So yes, you may evoke a response of do your business or get off the pot as was so eloquently pointed out in a previous post here by bec I believe. Short and to the point she did make it... But she has a point with that statement.

You are asking people here to help you put together a puzzle of sorts and no one at all can help you do that puzzle if you hide half the pieces from them. Think that may be part of it?
It takes a lot of work to be able to discern the meaning of the thoughts and feelings that I have sometimes and it is often difficult to articulate it. I think it is only because I am in college and young that I have had the energy and opportunity to develop this far after so much damage. My doctors expected me to be a vegetable after my accident. I know that even on top of the injuries I had that PTSD played a role in the difficulties I faced. You mentioned that your husband was in the military, and that is by choice. That means he wanted to be a part of that more than other things, right? When he joined was he after an education with support from it afterwards, or was it for a career as a noncommissioned officer without the need for a degree, or was he a commissioned officer? It may simply be that he does not have the physical energy to spend on that much thought. Pain is a hell of a thing. It is difficult to advance to express yourself and he may not have ever wanted to go this far even before he had the extra problems of PTSD, Andrea. An amount of work needs to be done. Do what you need to help yourself. Do what you can while maintaining your health, gently ask him to do what he can, and meet somewhere. If you can not, then waiting until he can do more or you can do more to try to meet, or giving up seem to be your options.
Veiled, i dont think you are reading but whatever, i do give up, right here, right now.
I feel attacked in the sense that you and bec are in my face about not wanting to hear the truth and i say things over and over...whatever. You dont want to hear from me, you got it!! I am not perfect, i did want to educate myself.... this right here gives me a headache...i dont enjoy arguing with anyone :(
i hate this and i hate that its like this :(
I keep bringing up the fact that i have problems because you would be surprised....really you would.... i dont do it to get attention...ask DD.
thanks for everything, really from the bottom of my heart..you know how to talk to people. One problem though, i dont ask my hubby to do what he can do....i simply let him do what he wants.... i think i have backed off alot. I give him his space, and alone time...He has been studying to become a firefighter....I am proud of him but really i just dont think he has room for me in his life....Im calling it a day..
Andrea42 said:
I mean I have asked him many times, and in many different ways…I have “tried” to start conversations days and nights and in bed and at the dinner table, while watching tv lol you name it…and he gets angry (I have noticed my hubby gets angry when he doesn’t want to deal with something, and when he does not want to answer me..is he going to do this forever??
Now, this is where thing vary. To go forward, both the sufferer and spouse must do it together, not one, not the other, but both. You are trying to move in a direction forward, and he is not. It is like when Kerrie years ago screamed to others that I physically abused her. I emotionally abused her with these exact same instances, ie. not talking to her, not answering her questions and so forth, what she then did was physically abuse me by throwing things at my head, hitting me from frustration, etc, I would then pin her against the wall to stop it, and defend myself, but not punch her or intentionally hurt her physically, but she would use that in her defense, without the actual facts of the situation. The facts though, is that I certainly started it at the emotional abuse level, she took it to another level.

There comes a time when both people have to make decisions about their relationship when PTSD is involved, being:
  • The sufferer gets help to progress forward and the spouse gets help to progress forward (not one or the other)
  • The relationship continues the way it is, and whilst you live together, things are not going to change drastically for better whilst the sufferer remains in self sympathy
  • You provide the sufferer the ultamatum, get help or get out, though if you go down that path, you need to be willing to leave the relationship and end it for the sheer destructive nature that it is.
I hold no quarms in being honest about the impact PTSD has upon a relationship, and whilst the sufferer is constantly torn apart inside, the spouse also becomes the same way watching the person they love self destruct. He needs help, and so do you, and even if the relationship falls apart, you will still need help to ensure you do not carry a bag full of anger around with you, but instead accept that he is ill, he is suffering extreme pain, but you cannot fix him, only he can fix himself.

If he is trying to heal, he is in counselling, he is actively pushing himself to heal trauma, then he will be quite ill and agitated, thus the relationship cannot progress at that stage, but more in limbo until he gets past the worst of things, then the relationship goes into counselling also, so both can move forward together, leaving the past out of future arguements, leaving the past out of your lives, regardless the pain it has caused both people, and it does cause him pain, he just doesn't know what to do with it all.

Andrea42 said:
The most recent answer I got was “why do you need to know” WTF?! Uhhhh if I was not in doubt I wouldn’t have to ask right? Does that make sense to anybody else??
Yes, it makes perfect sense that its illogical and a typical statement from a sufferer that doesn't want to acknowledge that he is hurting others around him, past his own hurt and pain.
Andrea42 said:
No matter how we start it we usually end up fighting….why? Either because I take something the wrong way, or he doesn’t explain this point or because he doesn’t answer me and just continues to watch tv and then tells me “what”…or because he says something hurtful… its always something (usually I take things the wrong way, or mix them up and make sense of it in my own way which is not his point)
Ok, small steps that are trying to progress into a larger conversation. Basically, if you get one answer from him, that is progress. Your response of thinking for him, is typical actually, and there is a way in which you both can get around this, but both must be willing to use this statement, not just one or the other.

When either one asks a question, or answers a question, you reply: "Do you mean...? This statement must be used over and over from one question until you get (3) three "yes" statements. The answers are only, "yes" or "no", not "yes but..." or "no, aren't you listening..." type responses. Yes or no keeps arguements out of the equation, the moment you introduce anything after yes or no, is the moment either party has just engaged to move into an arguement. The idea of this technique is so that person being asked the question finds the right way in which they understand the question, so interpretations are removed from the conversation. It takes a little getting used too... but is very effective.

For example, if you asked him, "Do you need me in life?" his responses could be:
  • Do you mean you want to know if I love you? (your reply, yes)
  • Do you mean you want to know if I need your support?) (your reply, no)
  • Do you mean you want to know if I want to be married to you? (your reply, yes)
  • Do you mean you want to know if I enjoy our relationship? (your reply, no)
  • Do you mean you want me to hold your hand in public, cuddle you on the lounge and talk with you? (your reply, yes)
You can see above, the responses must continue until you get three "yes" answers above, so the person being asked the question can determine the questions exact meaning. Now obviously this doesn't need to be used for everything, ie. "Can you help me cook dinner?" type questions, and that requires a yes or no, but if that confused him, then he could use the "do you mean" method to determine the full meaning, ie.
  • Do you mean you don't want me to watch the news? (your reply, no)
  • Do you mean you want me to help you set the table? (your reply, yes)
  • Do you mean I can watch the news whilst helping you? (your reply, yes)
  • etc etc... until three yes's are achieved.
Andrea42 said:
Seriously, is it really hard to answer?
“What do you like about me as a person?”
“What do you love about me?”
“Do you need me in life?”
“What makes you want to stay married to me?”

Yes, I can answer all those to my wife now... but I certainly couldn't a few years ago when trauma overwhelmed me, instead she would have gotten the same response you get now, because the sheer fact is that trauma is controlling your husband, not logic. Too many negative emotions causing constant anger as a response.
I am reading what was posted, and have been here as long as you and the questions you have asked have not really changed so please calm down some, you are seasoned here too. Now don't take this harsly as in my other posts they were not meant as such. Just stating the obvious. Again, I am not trying to be mean.

You said surprise you don't do it for attention. No one here has accused you of that either. You say you want to learn about this but do not want to hear it from our point of view who have not healed yet that you have dealt with for months. It upsets you. Does it suck for you, I am sure, it sucks for my hubs... But he says he figures it is because he is a guy he can deal. Typical sterotypical shit.

You really need to calm down and look at the posts in the nature they were given and not in how you perceived them in a heightened emotional state. Typing is hard as you cannot get the real idea of the delivery out.

But I will go back to my puzzle statement/question and I do stand behind everything I said and where I apologized and said I could have used a better word in the thread. I do hope your counseling helps you as again do not forget you have to take care of you first, that goes for all though. Good luck to you both; Anthony has given you an outstanding guide line at this point and I hope it helps.
Andrea... after reading yours posts, the tone of the them really started to stick out to me.

Andrea42 said:
So pretty much what i hear alot of in here in is leave the PTSD sufferer to live his life, dont bother him, let him do as he wishes with no responsibilities and no reality, no love, no one to care.... ok....so nobody needs to be married in that case or even be in a relationship
Simple as that right?

What is so wrong with allowing a sufferer to have some stress recovery relief??
If you were truely concerned with his health, you would ensure that he got the quiet environment he needs to sort his thoughts out, and allow him to reach out to you.
Also, it strikes me that you seem almost angry that you have to 'take care' of him... what is the resentment for? he did not choose to get PTSD.
It's not like you will have to 'shelter' him forever...

Andrea42 said:
I care about my husband like i have never cared about anyone in my life, he means the world to me and this is what i get....well i will make it a point to just read from now on and learn as much as possible and not post anywhere because apperantly i upset people...
unfortunatly guilt trips don't work that well on alot of PTSD sufferers
Andrea42 said:
because i have problems too (that you guys would not even know about) and i feel alone as well.... i try my best to be there for my husband but i am not ok myself....its hard... bye
So Andrea, let me ask you this... what are you going to do about your own issues?
Have you joined a forum for your condition? Or researched it like you did with PTSD?
I understand you have your own issues, but you can't make your husband suffer because you refuse to get help.

I'm sure this will be taken the wrong way... but... it sounds like you are an awfully pushy angry person.
You even started this thread by telling us that you normally complain with the rest of the spouses about how hard bad PTSD days are for you... it's almost like you wanted to rub our fur the wrong way..
You need to look inside yourself and figure out why you are so afraid of him leaving you.

It just makes me so angry... I would do anything to not have PTSD... but people can act like it's a choice we made.
I just wanted to say that i do seem like an angry pusky person at times and i probably can be.... you read the post where i was angry...Other people were accusing me of "attacking" and "repeating" myself so in no way do you seem rude and no i did not take your post the wrong way...i can see why you would.
To answer your questions... what am i going ot do about my issues? i am looking for the right phychologist at the moment, i cant just go to anyone...but i am looking and i want to find one quick...my father was helping me with this...
What i joined a forum? well i am not sure of what i have...but i do reseach all day and i do talk to people online in which i can relate to. and yes, just like i reseached PTSD, i never stop reading about what might be wrong with me. I never said i refuse to get help...see this is where things are taken the wrong way because people put words in my mouth...i never said that. Just like i never said i didnt want to hear it from your point of view...thats why i posted in this section...because i do want to hear it... and i knew it would be hard..but its ok i am willing to listen.
just wanted to point this out...
You really need to calm down and look at the posts in the nature they were given and not in how you perceived them in a heightened emotional state. Typing is hard as you cannot get the real idea of the delivery out.
DD and i talked about this last night how things that you read aren't always how they are meant... and i think you and Bec got the wrong idea, or read it in a way that was not meant and thats when all the problems started because i didnt say anything to offend Bec...i was more confused so i asked questions.. i am just very confused :( and she came back all upset!! im guessing because she talked to you....
but even in your first post you said some things that were not true and i dont think thats fair...you said things about me that were not true (you assumed) thats why i became upset. hope you guys understand how this mess happened and its ok to get angry if you dont know whats going on.
just like Veiled pointed out the guide you wrote up is amazing...i am going to print it up and posted near my computer so i can look at it when i need to, thank you!
I never attacked, nor consulted, about my feelings on this Andrea.. and I greatly resent the major implications you keep throwing out there that Veiled, Y&A and I are "consipiring" in some way against you. It's ridiculious. Secondly, just because I am too the point and fed up does not mean that this has even upset me in anyway. I find it interesting how I have said the same things as others in this thread and yet I am attacking you but they are not. Stop with the "I'm a victim" because bec spoke her mind.

I'm glad you see Anthony's point. as it's the same as mine.. just better put. Different words, same meaning.

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