I Would Be Graduating From Medical School Today...

[arcc14]

So the rest of my class is graduating, and I get to see everyone's excited "I'm a doctor now" statuses on facebook all day. It's kind of sad. I really don't feel as much as I thought I would actually.

I've really got to do something about the PTSD. I can't have anymore days like this where I can see so clearly how awesome my life could be without it. Rather than saying, if only certain things had never happened to me, I would be happy now...I'm choosing to look at it as: if I only I hadn't run from my past for so long. If only I had done the work to confront the things that did happen (things that in no way could I control)...then I would be happy today. So today I'll work hard to deal with this. And someday (when I'm ready) I'll go back to medical school, and I'll be what I was meant to be.

Weird day.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I used to do this......X just graduated from med school. Y just started to work at (large corp). Z is now in grad school.

I do not anymore. I just think, "Well, when we are all 70, we will once again be as equal as we were when we were in Kindergarten. "

It's the time in between that is hard.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Well, my husband put it to me like this earlier in our relationship - you can't sit there and beat yourself up about not making it up the hill at the same time as other people in a footrace when you've got 250lbs of crap on your shoulders that they don't have. It's harder for you to run, sure, and you're still running up the same hill as everyone else, but the difference is that you'll have some bangin legs when you get up to the top of the hill and they'll all be jealous of you.

I THINK he meant to say "when you make it to the top of the hill, you'll be stronger than those who didn't have the extra weight to deal with and it will be something that other people admire" but that's my husband for ya, starts out with these wonderful pearls of wisdom that turn out to be a little bit less than such... :roflmao:

 

[arcc14]

Thank you! I love this way of looking at things. :)

 

[Frankie Coffeecake]

arcc, I have the same thought and feelings. The things that happened to me were out of my control too. It's hard to look to everyone else and think that they are doing better than you are. When you are an outsider looking in everything looks great. I think that having ptsd makes us feel like we are stuck and time is passing us by but each day that we make progress is a great achievement. And sometimes I think we need to give ourselves a pass, if you feel happy, sad, numb, excited...anything we should just let ourselves feel (as cheesy as that sounds).

 

[TCEE]

Hi there, Arcc14, I know this is a sad time for you - be kind to yourself. maybe this'll make you feel better. It's sounds like you're getting yourself together now. You could be like me - go through medschool and get your first choice residency, shine like heck in it, work for a couple of years, get a broken hip and addicted to painkillers, get caught writing prescriptions, sent to rehab where they did horrible things to you and you dissociate for the first time you ever remember. get diagnosed with chronic ptsd, develop lyme disease a couple years out of rehab and 3 years later, you aren't a drug addict anymore - you've nailed that! But you aren't allowed back to work, either, and you think that you're probably destined for another career. Did I mention the $200,000 in medical school loans? So, there are many ways to skin a cat. Wish I'd gotten my ptsd stuff diagnosed and treated/managed before so much was at stake. Keep up the fight! You just never know what life has in store for you. Martha Beck has a very nice article in this month's Oprah that might be healing and helpful for you. (oh jeez, am I really recommending Oprah?!)

 

[Abrasky]

Hi Arc14, I feel the same way, I started a Bachelors at uni, got a scholarship, was getting distinction averages and earning $1000 in a part time job and other achievements and I got PTSD. I passed, but the PTSD sought of put an end to it and made me go on a different path. Sometimes I am grateful for learning about humility and appreciating little things. It means a lot more to me now than bigger things, although I still think if only.....but there are many ways to be happy in whatever your life means.

Hugs to you. It must be a hard day. I feel for you. Chin up. You are amazing already.

 

[Reclusive]

Days like today, when I have to cough up hundreds in vet costs, are when I have these thoughts. If I was only still working where I was, I could drop this wad and not even worry about it. Now I'm going to have to struggle to find it. Although looking back, Even though I was making 24k a year take home (after taxes), I still always felt broke. But right now I'm really feeling that 'if I had only pushed through things instead of giving up' thing. But, seriously, stress is a killer, so if I had pushed on, where would I REALLY be right now? Y'know what I'm saying?

 

[Peacemaker]

Life passes very fast, even if you're young, you have no time to waste, you can't take even a minute for granted! As you can see, I'm up (I should be asleep) however, I am trying to work through my life with my husband who suffers with PTSD, he's getting worse by the day, and I have always been a happy-go-lucky type who tries to see the good in people and situations however, the stress is taking its' toll. I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I am actually working with a non-profit as a volunteer, and looking for full-time work. Each time I get a job lead my husband goes absolutely beserk, he's afraid he's loosing me (and he is), he's trying to control me (and this is not a figment of my imagination), he refuses to buy food, my unemployment ran out a few months ago and my money ran-out a few weeks ago, if I purchase food - he eats it. Anyway, this is not about me, this is about you, get back to medical school and do what you need to to improve your sense of self. There are things you can and cannot control, those that are within your power, will empower you. Put one foot in front of another, and you'll eventually reach your goals, you can do it!

 

[Ted Moen]

I was just starting a doctoral program in psychology with a full scholarship plus a teaching assistantship when an episode occurred and I trashed that opportunity. One of many over the years. There is a country song "Born to Lose" I used to listen to in the depressed moods inbetween lost careers. "Every dream I dreamed ...." Eventually I would start over, succeed, then trash that opportunity. Finally as I was about to trash an opportunity again I decided to commit to actually participating in therapy and if I was to leave that work situation to do it the appropriate way, rather than just walking away.

That was in 1995. The result was a medical retirement in 2001, followed by the process of applying for VA benefits and SSD. Once everything settled down the workplace stress was gone and I had learned the tools I needed to manage my symptoms at the reduced level of stress. I now volunteer as a mentor at an elementary school and as a grief and loss group facilitator at a childrens center, both very rewarding activities. I play golf and play with the grandchildren inbetween. And when the thoughts and feelings intrude (they are forever) I have the tools and time to process them before they generate inappropriate and counterproductive behavior. Life is good.

Life gets better when you commit to therapy and learning to live better with your set of ptsd symptoms, then develop a set of activities and relationships appropriate to the level of stress that leaves you able to manage your symptoms and participate and enjoy.

Ted

 

[KrazyKat]

Arcc14, I went though the same thing in April. I felt isolated and horrible. I shouldn't have even gone to the graduation, but now at least I have a bit more understanding as to what was going on with me.

How supportive was/is your University? I find/I feel I'm treated like I'm either totally nuts or "just don't have my act together." I asked for help in early Spring but no one seemed to get it at all. Very disappointing-- I didn't think the U would be just like the workplace, but it was very similar. Hope your experience is better.
Don't worry about when you graduate. You'll be better and then you can do the rest easily as Peacemaker suggests. Don't beat yourself up-- best wishes, KK

 

[omikay]

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