DID Identities

[Brea]

I don't know if anyone else has this issue. Probably they do, but I just feel like such a freak for having these issues that I assume it is me alone that has them.
I have very distinct identities that I dissociate into. I don't have DID but it has been questioned.
One of my identities 'sadie' which is what my abuser called me was very loyal to my abuser. She did whatever she was asked to do, she never fought back and now when I dissociate into 'her', I get so angry at myself (Brea). I know this probably isn't making any sense.
When I am sadie, I am hollow and have no emotion other than anger towards myself so much so that all i want to do is hurt myself. I have images of me stabbing myself, strangling myself etc.. I find that I am terrified of becoming her because I have no idea what I will do when i am her. She is still so loyal to my abusers and can't stand that I am working on things. I am caught between settling her down and not getting better, or working on things knowing that I could dissociate into her and hurt myself. It's me, so I feel like I should be able to control her but I can't.
My other identities or alters are more benign, but Sadie is just so overwhelming. the harder I work and the more I get out the louder she becomes. She is a voice in my head, she seems to just take over.

Has anyone else had experince with this type of thing?

 

[Darkness Shines]

Yes, I have the same thing, with the fractured identities and one which still carries the identity given her by my abusers. When that part of me (Ada) comes too close to the surface I also self-injure, because I want to kill her, but since she's a part of me I end up hurting myself trying to get to her. Every other part of my personality hates her, which is of course really self-hatred, but it's expressed in a very DID-ish manner.

I don't have much control over what happens when the Ada part gets too close to the surface either. The hatred is just too overwhelming to leave room for rationality. I don't have DID either, no black-outs or alters 'taking over'. Just one personality which has been fractured and sometimes doesn't get along with itself, lol.

I don't really have a solution, other than I try to avoid doing things which could bring that Ada part too close to the surface and knock me into the destructive cycle. Which is avoiding the issue, but that's the best I can do for now.

 

[Hlost]

I have similar entities. I have for privacy sake who I will call "Jane Zaleta'. I changed my name after my first marriage ended. Just my last name, it was a family name but not my given name. It was not a common name and I gained strength from it. I became Jane Zaleta, strong, sure of myself, able to move on, tackle issues, and work my way to the glass ceiling of every corporation I applied for. I worked where I wanted live. When I got bored, I moved. All the while I was in and out of therapy still working on my issues and that is when the Mrs Jane Zaleta-(whoever I was married to at the time) struck those issues that obviously needed addressing. I also got great alone time to just deal with me.

The abuse from my home life was more than enough on my plate and I was not running from that. I had legal issues to deal with as well as emotional going on. My ability to choose wisely in my relationship was still in deep question so the drama there continued. There was a whole other entity on the home life, it was easy to dissociate or pretend things were not as bad as they were. However, with my children involved with partial custody, Jane Zaleta could just not take it and risked homelessness to cut the situation loose. My Children came first despite how bad it all looked, and would send them back to their dad's until things got settled again hoping one day they would understand that that kind of chaos was no way to live.

As myself, I have no idea if they ever got it.

Does this type of changing personalities sounds familiar??

HL

 

[anthony]

Well... I agree Brea, you don't have DID based on what you have stated above, because if you did, you wouldn't know what you felt or did within each personality unless specifically within it. There is so much confusion around DID since they changed its name from MPD.

Here are the facts on childhood trauma. Due to the inadequate development to regulate physical and emotional states, due to the caregiver relationship at childhood, the abused brain develops a self protection mechanism by dissociating, being to remove yourself from the reality and basically pretend your elsewhere. This is normal and part of CPTSD dissociation. It is extremely normal that the brain also continues to bring its childhood friends or develop made-up personalities, so that when you dissociate you pretend to be within another personality. Still not DID though... because whilst still sub-conscious, it is learned behaviour as a protection mechanism, and controlled to a point. DID has no control, and when triggered, shifts losing everything that occurs between personalities. It is one of the rarest disorders in the world, only handed out by idiots with lacking experience in the facts associated to it / trying to make a name for themselves at others expense.

The learnt behaviour as a child due to ongoing trauma, is the to cope you learn to disconnect at the first sign of parents, teachers or other important adults act or engage in a rejecting manner. The outcome over prolonged time if not treated early, is that often several personality disorders are ingrained as protective mechanisms.

Here is where misdiagnosis of DID is becoming prevalent within the mental health industry. When associated with complex trauma, studies often find that it is not one personality disorder that is present in the patient, instead several. Some mistake this for DID, because a depersonalization disorder is often present, along with borderline, anti-social, psychotic or schizoid behaviours. It is clinically proven and realistic, that a person with complex trauma has several combined Axis I & Axis II personality disorders combined, which often result in a masked looking DID, but aren't... and all are treatable over time, and removable if done right, as they are learnt behaviours. Even DID can be removed if the cause of the trauma is treated and found...

Here is the clinical version, the science, of what happens:

In toddlerhood and early childhood, the brain actively develops areas responsible for: (1) filtering sensory input to identify useful information (thalamus; somatosensory cortices), (2) learning to detect (amygdala) and respond defensively (insula) to potential threats, (3) recognizing information or environmental stimuli that comprise meaningful contexts (hippocampal area), and (4) coordinating rapid goal-directed responses (ventral tegmentum; striatum).

During this time there is a gradual shift from right hemisphere dominance (feeling and sensing) to primary reliance on the left hemisphere (language, abstract reasoning and long range planning). A young child gradually learns to orient to both the external and internal environment (rather than responding reflexively to whatever stimulus presents itself), and to detect and react. Trauma interferes with the integration of left and right hemisphere brain functioning, which explains traumatized children’s “irrational” ways of behaving under stress.

In non-abused children, their semantic (i.e., verbal and left brain based) schemas of themselves and the world are generally in harmony with their emotional response to their surroundings (right brain based). In contrast, abused and neglected children often display vast discrepancies between how they make sense of themselves and how they respond to their surroundings. Under stress, their analytical capacities (left brain based) disintegrate, and their emotional (right brain based) schemas of the world take over, causing them to react with uncontrolled helplessness and rage.

This is why, in its simplest form, trauma must be dealt with at the emotional level, not the surface, because it removes the negative coping behaviours within the brain and begins to rebalance the right and left brain hemispheres by re-introducing how to determine logic and apply it to oneself.

I hope I haven't confused anyone, as I tried to make this as simple as possible.

 

[jadebear]

I'm actually glad this thread was started. I have been afraid/ashamed to discuss any of this.

My T. has questioned whether I have DID, but says it's depersonalization since I'm aware of what I'm doing. I question whether I have it or not myself at times.

I don't have separate identities with different names or anything, I just feel different at times...sometimes like a young kid and sometimes like a teenager, and act that way too.

I'm aware of my behavior, but I'm not always in control of it. Sometimes it's like I'm watching myself from a distance, or like I'm dreaming. Sometimes afterwards my mind feels foggy and it may take awhile to remember what I have said/done, but I almost always do remember.

What you wrote anthony makes alot of sense. Exactly how is trauma dealt with at the emotional level though?

 

[Brea]

Thanks for the information Anthony. It was very helpful. I have various identities but they were all people who helped me cope with the abuse. Sadie is loyal to my abusers and she helped save my life. She shut off every part of me that wanted to fight and just became the perfect slave which was probably the safest thing to do at the time, but now that I am fighting back, she doesn't know how to let go. Jenna helped me function in school and get straight A's, Carly was the socially appropriate child who was the best kid any parent could want in social situations and me "Brea" well I am all of them. Trying to integrate them to live cohesively and to not fight each other.
Eventually, one day I will be able to know what each of them needs and we will come together. Right now it's just so painful. My doctor says that when I feel it is safe, they will stop fighting me and live cohesively.
Brea

 

[anthony]

I have various identities but they were all people who helped me cope with the abuse.

Very common with childhood trauma... just know that, and reassure yourself... because I hate it when physicians tell me they have things, that they just don't. It only makes it harder.

Exactly how is trauma dealt with at the emotional level though?

Exactly how I have told you in the past, and that you have read here with others...

Shifting past denial is the hardest step. Then you write down as many trauma's as possible, pick the hardest one, then pull it apart using emotional responses, ie. I feel... in combination with something like a list of emotions, and try to put a word with what you felt.

Then you pull apart each event, with emotions listed, see if others are found, try and apply reason to the emotions to lessen each emotion one at a time. It may take a week, or a month, but to get the biggest trauma completely out of the way, having removed all the negative stigma at the emotional level to the most distressing trauma as defined by you... then give some time afterwards... suddenly symptoms begin to lessen.

Then you do the same with each that is left bothering you... often the biggest one will knock many out as a result, once you find the resolution to the core major emotions carried, harbouring negativity within.

You will never be without PTSD, don't get me wrong, but sure as shit you can remove many symptoms through this and if constantly self managed to reduce your exposure to ongoing stressors.

 

[Hlost]

Oh geez, the formula to get through the traumas sounds so easy huh? Just do this and that and ta da!! Yikes:insane:(j.k)

I get the difference between having DID and not having it now. It's been a question I've been batting around for awhile. I am aware of the chances and 'watch' them. It's the Dissociation that was throwing me off. What a bag of symptoms to go through to suss out what the heck is what. I have read and read and my tdoc is helping. This site is a HUGE help too. Thank you Anthony for giving me layman's terms or just generally whittling it down a bit. Sometimes I get too much info and fear swimming.

Great thread Brea, thank you for being brave enough to bring it up!

 

[jadebear]

I guess my question should have been how do I connect emotions with the traumas if I dissociated at the time?

Some traumas, I've been able to recall what I felt, but then others still feel like they didn't happen to me, so it feels like I'm telling a story about someone else. And others, I have been able to go in detail about what happened, how I felt, yet I can't accept that they were real events.

I have been able to tell about the worst one, even been able to tell what I felt. But accepting that it was real is the hard part. Probably because I have no proof. I doubt myself on it because it sounds so bizarre.

I have problems knowing what I'm feeling still. Or what I do feel isn't appropriate to the situation. It feels like all my wiring is wrong...

I have been feeling some sort of emotion lately and I don't even know what it is or how to describe it because I have never felt it before. I don't even know how to figure out what it is.

 

[cherryblossom]

in combination with something like a list of emotions, and try to put a word with what you felt.

If you have not tried this, then I would recommend that you give it a go. We have so many different emotions, and sometimes it's really hard to put the right word to it. I used a "list of emotions", to help put my feelings to events. The important idea, I think, is to 'try' to put an emotion to it. It might not be the right one, and you may have to rethink and change things. It might not help, but equally, it might be worth a go. It helped for me. I'll try to find the list of emotions I used, and post again if I find it.

 

[WonderingWhy]

If you have not tried this, then I would recommend that you give it a go. We have so many different emotions, and sometimes it's really hard to put the right word to it. I used a "list of emotions", to help put my feelings to events. The important idea, I think, is to 'try' to put an emotion to it. It might not be the right one, and you may have to rethink and change things. It might not help, but equally, it might be worth a go. It helped for me. I'll try to find the list of emotions I used, and post again if I find it.

CB,
That sounds like it really could help(the list of emotions). I would love to see the list, hope you find it. I just might do a "google search" and see what comes up.

JB,
I can relate not quite being able to describe a "feeling" I usually just say (scared,bad or anxious) interchangeably, even though many times that isn't really quite how I am feeling, but am unable to really put my emotions into words!:thinking:

 

[cherryblossom]

CB,
That sounds like it really could help(the list of emotions). I would love to see the list, hope you find it. I just might do a "google search" and see what comes up.

I think that I did a google search or maybe found a list on PTSDForum. But I also printed it out, so I expect it's on my computer somewhere.
I'm so glad you replied to this WW - because I'd already got distracted with other stuff and forgotten, I said I'd find the list - will do it now. Brain of mush at the moment :rolleyes: