Identity and isolation

[JustBe]

I guess I'm the exception. I seek solitude. A once a week trip to town is more than enough interaction for me!

 

[Abstract]

I wanted to write out some of the things I am battling with with this but I don't want to rain on everyone's coming-out-of-isolation parade! :cautious::D ?

 

[JustBe]

Go for it Abstract!:tup:

 

[maddog]

Yes, go for it Abstract, I think that it's pretty clear that this isn't a linear journey for any of us.

I, personally, am in almost mute agreeance with pretty much everything being said here, even the comments that seem to contradict each other, such as those about the need for/against isolation. Therein lies a huge part of my struggle I think. Each healthy domain of my life brings sometimes deal-breaking negatives, so somehow, each choice I make hurts as it heals. Figuring out which way the scaels are, or should, ultimately tip, on these issues, is something that is so beyond me that it leaves me almost empty of words and ways to try to think about it.

Perhaps quite unsurprisingly, my initial enthusiasm for the Bradshaw book, based on his uncanny appraisal of toxic shame and how it forms and exists, has hit a terrible snag now that we've reached the "what to do about it" part. His strategies seem horrifying to me, and I'm not even quite able to articulate why yet. I will try though, perhaps on the shame thread... Somehow my scheming defeating little mind is busy convincing me that he's actually some sort of extremist zelot, or something...

Back to the issue of isolation and its impacts on my identity, I think that part of why I inevitably default back to isolating is that I just plain don't like the way I feel about myself when I am with people. That's not to say I am any happier, or less unhappy, when I am alone, but at least that I feel as though I have a more stable sense of who I am, and less conscious attention focused on the parts of me that I hate. Being around people shines a spotlight on everything that makes my skin crawl about myself, and even positive and safe interactions somehow reach in and squeeze parts of me that hurt more than I can, or want to, tolerate. I'm not sure why, or what to do about it.

Maddog

 

[mamachick]

Please do abstract. This is a great thread.

Maddog I can relate to isolation vs. socialization. I have gone as far as showering, make up and blow dry, etc, all dressed, paced the back door toward my car, put a cup in dishwasher, give dogs water, gone back upstairs, put on sweats and crawled back into bed where I feel reasonably safe. I tried to work part time and had to quit, for many reasons, but the most primitive was that I had to change appointments at the last minute because I could not leave the house on a particular day. It is getting worse though, rather than better. At times, the anxiety becomes so high as my mind races at the thought of going anywhere, who will be there, who I might run into, what happened last time, how I felt last time, what I will be asked about, how I will respond about some things, do I have gas or need to stop, do I have cash, did I turn off the iron, what was the fib I told when I cancelled last minute last time, etc. Too Much. Overwhelming.

 

[maddog]

Oh Brat, your last post un-nerved me, it was such an accurate portrayal of myself. I even painfully smiled at the "what fib did I tell last time..." thought. Gosh, that is a terrible, terrible habit of mine, one I can't seem to break, no matter the shame and misery it causes me. I just can't stop lying to people, because the true reasons why I just can't do social things hurt and shame me more than the pain of my lies. I did it just today... and it hurt, as always, and yet I know I'll do it again, because I know that the truth, that being that I just felt too anxious to make the trip into town, will always hurt more than my guilt.

I have, more than once, travelled 2 hours to get to somewhere, only to turn around when literally just outside and come home again. I have showered, dressed and packed my bag and then gone back to sleep in my "going out" clothes, just as you describe. The cycle of trying and failing and trying again and failing again and vowing I won't lie and lying and vowing I won't lie and lying... just goes on and on and on.

Maddog

 

[JustBe]

I'm right there with you both!:bag:

 

[Meadowsweet]

I manage work as I can play an unemotional role, with clearly defined boundaries. But I recently went to a works meal. I sat there listening to conversations about what people like on TV, celebrities they fancy and the worse bit, people talking about their personal lives - funny stories from childhoods and first marriages etc. And I watched people responding by sharing their own stories, laughing at the humor etc.

I ended up sat there quietly, trying to smile because I was feeling spacey and sick. I tried to think of something I could talk about, but there is just nothing except work. There is no person apart from work, and a past that I wouldn't talk about.

I know i have lots of stuff to get through before I could create any personal friendships, but I keep hope because I think that therapy will help me. But experiences like this show me how very far out of the world I am. And it's one thing to be isolated, but quite another to be noticed as an isolated odd person.