Identity Disturbances

[Helliepig]

Has anyone experienced identity disturbances? Feelings that there's a war going on inside you, or that you're an empty vessel? This feeling I've noticed isn't usually experienced with, or as a result of depression, it's a whole other feeling by itself. I feel like I don't know myself...it's a really unsettling feeling of being a stranger to yourself, like your sense of self-experience is messed up...people ask me "who are you?" and I balk at this question...WHO'S life am I living? what happened to me? Who am I? 23 years old and I remember nothing substantial about my life, my favorite hobbies, talents, abilities...how does one just 'forget' their life?

Yes, all the time, and more since doing therapy because I've teased out this bit from the morass of other feelings. I'd agree, it's not like depression, but you can see why it can be part of depression, or taken to be part of depression. (I guess a lot of depression does stem from this kind of abandonment stuff anyway)

The emptiness in particular, like behind your mask there is nothing and any moment you might shatter. Not kind of knowing how to do " being ".

I so know too the sense of who's life am I living, feeling like you're not really inhabiting youre own.

I also had huge portions of my life missing, and the memories I had felt empty too. Some of them still do.

I think some of all of this is grief, deeply buried, that leaves everything feeling empty. Some of it is alienation from myself in a way I can't describe. Some of it is an inability to feel connected, because noone ever connected with me as a baby... Attachment disorder. That bit is the most frightening as I wonder, will I ever be able to feel anyone or get a sense of self and fill the howling hole inside where it should be me?? I so easily feel like a nothing. An empty worthless vessel.

Will my memories always feel empty and meaningless?? I read somewhere the problem is not with memory being laid down, it is with retrieving it. Often it is stuck behind the wall of dissociation.

I thought of this link when reading your post. It was one of the first things I read that spoke about how I felt.. hope it means something to you.
inspirepub.hubpages.com/hub/Finding-Ones-Self---Recovery-From-Dissociation

 

[AzureMind]

I think some of all of this is grief, deeply buried, that leaves everything feeling empty. Some of it is alienation from myself in a way I can't describe. Some of it is an inability to feel connected, because noone ever connected with me as a baby... Attachment disorder. That bit is the most frightening as I wonder, will I ever be able to feel anyone or get a sense of self and fill the howling hole inside where it should be me?? I so easily feel like a nothing. An empty worthless vessel.

I get you Helliepig, especially on the inability to feel connected; I never connected to anyone either and now, it's as if I don't care if I ever do connect. I can't understand sometimes why people are so persistent to want to NEED someone so bad as to compromise their principles, values, self-worth...but I think that's at the other extreme of a relationship; my point is, I used to be lonely, but I don't even want for another person around me...having to suite their needs all the time, dealing with them never understanding PTSD personally, caring though they maybe, they can't save you from it, when you're the only one living with panic attacks, paranoia, dissociation/depersonalization it in a relationship...

I figure, if I'm going to be alone in this, than I may as well BE alone, because it's not like I get lonely anyway.

Thanks for the link Helliepig! :) I'm gonna git to this a while.

 

[AzureMind]

I think some of all of this is grief, deeply buried, that leaves everything feeling empty. Some of it is alienation from myself in a way I can't describe. Some of it is an inability to feel connected, because noone ever connected with me as a baby... Attachment disorder. That bit is the most frightening as I wonder, will I ever be able to feel anyone or get a sense of self and fill the howling hole inside where it should be me?? I so easily feel like a nothing. An empty worthless vessel.

I can relate to every word here helliepig; all this grief, pain, anger cut off, and buried in me somewhere where I suppose I don't want to own or retrieve keeping that anger out of my conscious mind has been saving my life; I had to 'kill' my emotions to survive, showing them would've cost me HUGE...so I dissociated from them...I know this based on what I've read so far about dissociation, and understanding the relationship between my father, mother, and myself.

As far as the attachment disorder thing goes, I don't even get lonely; I don't know what it is to have someone there, and even try to 'pretend' with me that everything was going to be ok. I don't like being hugged or touched, and frankly I'm numb to it, it inspires no feelings, no hurt, it's just some kind of strange ritual I'm supposed to engage in from time to time, when it's situationally appropriate.

Sometimes I think I'm a monster....I can't feel, and I wouldn't hesitate to take someone down if needed...how did I get to be this cold? So indifferent to the lives of others? I guess I don't believe in love, I believe in profit/financial gain, but I do have my principles and ethics; I want to fall in love, and maybe one day cry, and share my life with someone and be emotionally real for once in my life. But I don't know...I'm so used to thinking "I've got to survive! I've got to make it! Even if it means being the villain!" I feel like I'd do ANYTHING to survive...stuck in a primitive part of my mind unable to get past it and live...sad :(

Thanks for the article though!! It was a great read as well! It eerily outlined alot of what I was feeling for the most part; it's a good thing though because now, that I know that I'm not the only one in the world going through this struggle, and I have a better understanding why this happened, I can bring it to my T.

Thanks Helliepig! :)

 

[AzureMind]

Azure,

What does your therapist think about these?

Bear

My therapist is roundabout...he says things like, "Oh, man that's HORRIBLE!" and "Consider your dissociation like a ability" he states the obvious alot...at this point, that's LESS than helpful, because that's MY job! :laugh: to state the obvious, and gain insight into my disorder based on HIS knowledge of the subject...:mad: I feel like I could do a better job leading the direction of the sessions myself because honestly, I don't think this guy understands dissociative disorders; how he couldn't be knowledgeable in this field of abnormal psychology I have NO IDEA, because there aren't HUNDREDS of psychiatric disorders in the DSM-IV to my knowledge, and the variations of the disorders aren't that broad at all...

He ventured to say that we would proceed ahead slowly for risk of him awakening something in my that's beyond my ability to cope with so I'm assuming he's addressing some form of hypnosis, but with this guy acting like such an amateur/softy he isn't giving me much reason to trust him; he has been a fairly good clinician, I suppose I'm just having my doubts; I'm probably rushing things along too....:oops: he may acknowledge what I feel, and have a fairly good understanding, but he's being a little too soft in my opinion, I'm ready to get all this stuff over with, whatever it takes; I don't want to waste another year forgetting stuff that happens in my life, or feeling completely 'oblivious' to everything in my life....this isn't right.:mad:

 

[Anna]

Yes. I quite often do not know who or what I really am. What I like changes rapidly. Food, drink, even image changes from hair colour, music to clothes.

Still trying to figure out the real me.

 

[AzureMind]

What it really is at heart with me is I've learned I can dissociate/hide parts of my personality; it wasn't always 'safe' to be myself with others, so I learned to split my reactions, feelings, thoughts from the outward persona/appearance with people, after constant dissociation, my emotional expression went to virtually nil. I'm not bothered by people coming or going out of my life, and I just chalk it up to it just being the way life is at the whole; nothing is permanent....I'd be surprised if someone had the stamina to stick it out with me, but I hold no expectations of others, just myself. It's what keeps me going forward when I feel like I'm beginning to take it personally, it keeps me 'functionally happy' in a way; like I'm able to be at peace with it all. If that makes sense?

 

[Meadowsweet]

Azuremind, I realise you wrote this a couple of months ago now. but it's something I can very much relate to at the moment.

So I'm wondering how both you and your therapist have handled it?

 

[FreeSpirit]

Has anyone experienced identity disturbances?

I just started therapy. I am 45 years old and started seeing someone earlier this year. I have since had two dramatic recalls, one being a memory recall and a second being an emotional recall. The latter occurred because I have so many traumatic events in my memory that I can only recall them as if I saw them happen in a movie.

What scares me is that some incidences in my hipocampus are completely disassociated from the emotional experience that corresponds to this. The therapist that I am now seeing (this is my third) just lectured me last week about taking risks in the therapeutic environment. I told her that my feelings are inaccessible. It sounds exaggerated but I truly believe this.

I am a pretty persistent person so I think at the next session I will commit to her to try. What more can I do? If I'm emotionally empty, it's impossible to prompt feelings that are inaccessible. I just don't know. I'm depressed and discouraged and frankly, feel worthless and weak. I have lived my entire life disengaged and fear that it's too late for me to enter the game. I know, however, that unless I confront this issue head on, my life, in its entirety, will be absent of intimacy. It's very stressful.

 

[AzureMind]

Azuremind, I realise you wrote this a couple of months ago now. but it's something I can very much relate to at the moment.

So I'm wondering how both you and your therapist have handled it?

Well, I've spoken to a few "therapists" none of which happened to be experts/trained in the field of dissociative disorders. I've since been looking for a new therapist as well to accommodate me more, (I only see this therapist on average 1 every 3 month!) and help me with this. I want to avoid drugs, but I'm willing to undergo talk/behavioral therapy with a trained, and licensed therapist in this field. I've lately been feeling more dissociated at an identity level, meaning I feel uneasy being in my body and with my emotions and confused alot by being grounded, and not in the detached cerebral of the mind. I need to be more grounded, it's the only way I can get back into the swing of things.