Identity Loss

[AzureMind]

Yes, I know how that feels.​

The good news is you can and will begin to put in new 'furniture' (who you really are and what is most important to you) as you as you start to become aware of 'who' you are now, and what is most important to you- not anyone else but you.​

Because you are unique.​

It's a good analogy because some pieces will be old and some new.​

Junebug thank you...THANKS SOOO MUCH!! That's EXACTLY what I needed to hear....lately it's been easier to think of it that way, so that I'm not in "Mourning Mode" ya know?....it helps, it does.....I like your way MUCH better!! :D

 

[AzureMind]

Azure - You know that thread in ChitChat that's called one word that define's yourself (or something like that).

I almost picked: undefined as my word. That's how I feel so much of the time. I have no friggin' clue anymore who I am or what I like. I lost me a long time ago and haven't been able to get myself back. Sometimes I'm not sure if I ever will. It's frustrating, frightening and depressing.

Took the words RIGHT OUTTA MY MOUTH Heather....we're from the same cloth you and me!! lol I'm here in the "Grey World" with ya, so let's just stick together....I'm gonna keep on smiling...I gotta....my life is on the OTHER SIDE of this shit heap.....OUR LIVES Heather....I'll be damned if I let this lie knock me around; my life, my ENTIRE LIFE has been taken over by a childhood I don't even recall; I'm extremely anxious to go out in public, my anxiety/tension forms right in the top of my left brow, so it looks like while I'm out I have a permanently raised brow......lol

I know it sounds funny but it's true :laugh:.....it's like if I were another person and I was walking down the street and I saw the face I made, I'd either laugh my head off, or run like hell lol :D

Here's the scenario.....guy passing me on the street's inner monologue:"what the HELL is running through THAT guys mind!!" to which I respond,

"Hey don't look at ME like that bub! I'm not the ONLY one held up in here!! And none of these other jerks pay rent!! If I could tax head space for occupancy, I'd be Shit Outta Luck!!" lol That would completely flush the color from ANYONE'S face!! :roflmao:

 

[Crl1983]

I found this quote which is by an anonymous ptsd sufferer. Part of me feels cynical of course :rolleyes:, but part finds it to be inspirational, so I shall share:

"Complex PTSD is as close to death as you can possibly imagine; you actually believe you’re
not going to make it. It’s like something bigger than the universe stole your identity
and soul and you're left as a shell, stuck on repeat that beats you down further.
Horror. You lose yourself and fight every moment to get her back until you realize she’s
gone, you have to create a new life, a new identity. It’s years of soul-depleting loss
and then years of soul-nourishing work and patience. Then you realize PTSD is a gift for a
broken soul, because you become a whole soul."

 

[Heather]

my anxiety/tension forms right in the top of my left brow,

Oh, you have one of those 24 hour brain tumors too? That feels like someone has shoved a knife into the side of your face!?! I have them too:mad::D. Not fun at all!!!!

 

[AzureMind]

"Complex PTSD is as close to death as you can possibly imagine; you actually believe you’re
not going to make it. It’s like something bigger than the universe stole your identity
and soul and you're left as a shell, stuck on repeat that beats you down further.
Horror. You lose yourself and fight every moment to get her back until you realize she’s
gone, you have to create a new life, a new identity. It’s years of soul-depleting loss
and then years of soul-nourishing work and patience. Then you realize PTSD is a gift for a
broken soul, because you become a whole soul."

You have NO idea how true that statement is....god....constantly feeling broken, wanting to die, thinking you'd be better off....and worst yet, to not even know "why" you feel that way....I can't even begin to explain what goes through me during the course of a day, and for the most part, I try to keep it simple...but life has other plans for me....:rolleyes:

 

[Crl1983]

I do have an idea of how true that statement is, that's why I shared the quote :p. I figured others here would understand.

 

[AzureMind]

Yea, I have 'em heather....I get pretty bad back pains, and God they're annoying as hell...not to mention the chronic brain cramps... Feels like my brain's on FI~YA!! :laugh:

 

[AzureMind]

But this Identity Loss stuff REALLY blows:mad:....I feel like a baby most of the time in the sense that I have no idea who I am, what I want...I don't remember myself as a kid, and what I was like, so picture walking around and bumping into a friend you had, but you don't remember A THING you two did togther :) Yep, nothing like a good ol brain fart to break the ice between ya

I used to "mimic" people in high school because I litterally had NO SENSE OF PERSONALITY, other than being withdrawn, anxious, silent, and DEEPLY depressed....I learned to mimic "general behavior patterns" of some class mates to cope with people around me and have been doing that since, but the CRAZY thing of this is, that when you do that, if you don't commit those "mind skins" (as I call them) to memory, then you're just back to being good 'ol YOU, and that's OBVIOUSLY getting me EVERYWHERE :rolleyes: lol

 

[cyndiloowho]

Im so glad to find these posts! God, maybe Im not the only one!! I dont have a core identity to return to, Ive never had one. From birth, Ive been conditioned to believe that Im simply wrong! At home I was treated like I was ugly and worthless, at school I was everyones favorite to bully and my teachers thought of me as a problem / annoyance because they were constantly having to come to my aid.

So much of my childhood is a blur at best, How can I know who I am when I cant remember from where I came? Its all very confusing. But my therapist is helping me pull back the 'layers' slowly, little steps forward. I AM.....???????

 

[AzureMind]

Im so glad to find these posts! God, maybe Im not the only one!! I dont have a core identity to return to, Ive never had one. From birth, Ive been conditioned to believe that Im simply wrong! At home I was treated like I was ugly and worthless, at school I was everyones favorite to bully and my teachers thought of me as a problem / annoyance because they were constantly having to come to my aid.​

So much of my childhood is a blur at best, How can I know who I am when I cant remember from where I came? Its all very confusing. But my therapist is helping me pull back the 'layers' slowly, little steps forward. I AM.....???????​

Cyndi, I know JUST what you mean.....I'm so sorry that that's happened to you, and I'm glad that you don't feel like your the only one; :) you're not ya know? :D I don't remember much of grade school at all; I remember the NAMES of teachers, but none of the memories, or experiences with them....it's as if it wasn't "my life"....I mean, if it was, wouldn't I remember it? go fig lol But I was always alone, and I didn't know WHO or HOW to cry/emote to show that I was in pain....whenever I was, I was ignored, shoved aside, and then LIED to by my mother who would say; "What?! I ALWAYS took care of you!" physically she did, but emotionally, she was ALWAYS vaccant.....it was just miserable, and now I don't know HOW to show people I want/need them around me; it just wasn't an option for me.

But, you're here you're WEIRD and ya know what?......WE'RE USED TO IT!! NO WORRIES!! :D

 

[Bachall]

I remember almost nothing between kindergarten and grad school. For a long time I said to myself I didn't care to remember. But now thanks to Facebook, I'm reconnecting with a lot of old friends.

They talk about stuff we did together and I do the chat version of nodding and smiling blankly. No clue.

Recently one of my high school teachers posted literally hundreds of pictures from my old high school/jr high/elementary school, which was also our church for a while.

He was our class advisor during my three worst years at home, so there were several candids with me in them. It was a small school.

I had to mechanically pick myself out, from the circumstances and other people. That's Computer II, and I was the only girl, so that HAS to be me.

What a hateful looking face. How could anybody NOT know?

I still look just this side of some kind of meltdown in all my candids. If there's a camera pointed my way I remind myself to breathe, relax, find my core, but I still look like I'm ready to crawl under the nearest rock.

Intellectually I'm at peace with my identity. I can answer most severe emotional crises with what I'm confident of.

I haven't had extensive experience with acute long term symptoms as described here - yet. I understand it is something apart from where my reason lives. :-/ I di remember struggling a lot in college - I saw it more as a spiritual battle though.

 

[Jake Murphy]

I'm sorry but I searched something and this came up as one of the first topics. I honestly do not know who I am anymore. I think I suffer from PTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD as a child, and I think it led to a lot of other things like OCD and tons of insecurity. I was always really good at sports, very good greats, pretty good looking, and nice to everyone. People took my friendliness to everybody to be weakness, and I was made fun of my whole life although I still remained in the popular group. Eventually, I got into weed my 7th grade year of middle school. 2 years later, I was smoking regular, but still doing sports and doing extremely well in them, most likely because of my work ethics. Eventually, something ticked when I broke my ankle (I think the PTSD) and all I could worry about was what to say next, It's a serious problem, and it's been 2 years and it feels like I completely lost myself. I lost my humor, kindness, ability to put anyone in a better mood. I really want to get this back, but it seems every time I try to it is just empty. I really want an answer as to what to do, I haven't really gone to anybody with the full story, and I think I'm going to a doctor soon because I just can't take it anymore. Any tips or opinions?


Here's an outline of my life


- A month or so before I was born, my dad got in a bad car accident that left him paralyzed and in a wheel chair

- Born in a hospital in a different state than where I lived (my mom and sister were living at the hospital, in a small twin size bed the hospital provided in there housing)

- 4 years or so go by, my mom can't take it anymore, we leave

- Crazy CNA brainwashes my Dad, I travel from WA to ID every weekend (8 hour drive) or else my Dad would gain full custody of me (the town and it's judge is a whole different story)

- Bullied/Made fun of as I grow up (tended to hang out with older kids because they were more mature)

- Moved to Alaska (Still one of the only white kids in my school, we moved around a lot)

- Moved around a bit more throughout Alaska, started using drugs, excelled in every sport and kept my grades up, I thought it was all going to work out fine

- Horrible anxiety kicked in and ever since I have been isolating and avoiding contact from everybody



That's the best I can do, but I feel I left loads and loads of stuff out. I'm so confused right now, and terrified. I just want to quit, but I can't. Please help.