Identity vs. Ability - Where does PTSD fit in?

[metis-siren]

Okay, for whatever reason today, I feel the desire to look at journals I wrote when my primary abuse was occurring. I don't know that it's the smartest thing, given that I'm trying to write a twenty page paper in the next few days and prepare for an exam as well but my mind wants to go there. *sigh*

 

[just tina]

Could go either way, metis-siren. Are you enrolled in disability services at school that give you a little grace with dead-lines?

Somehow I doubt that a desire to read journals chronicling your abuse is a procrastination issue. Hope it clears some stuff out for you so you can do well on your paper and test.

I'm going to try to set aside special times for PTSD this term, honor them, and hope I can keep it in the box when I have other things to do. Have been able to do that when I'm mildy affected, but never tried it with the big episodes.

Keep us updated with any helpful hints you pick up along these lines. School and PTSD interfering is like wrestling with two giant octopuses that are fighting each other at the same time.

 

[metis-siren]

*mini rant* I'm just heading off to bed now but today turned out to be one of those days. I got stood up at my intake appointment, I waited for 40 minutes and she never showed up. *sigh* Then I went home to find that my super's went in my apartment because of a "noise complaint about the dog barking" and left me a note to come down to the rental office. I doubt highly he was barking that much, the rental office and supers haven't been happy with me since I called the City on them earlier this week as they're not up to code with minimum temperatures for heat (they still aren't). So I'm expecting some sort of eviction notice or other reprimand, as the yelling I got when they found out I called the city wasn't enough. *sigh* Then to top it off - boyfriend decided to need to talk about his insecurities and all the problems in his life for two hours. I'm just tired. So much for a holiday for me - it may have been the shortest day of the year in light, but it felt like one very long day.

 

[just tina]

Condolences for the very bad day, metis-siren. Sounds like a total pisser.

 

[metis-siren]

So, I got in touch with my professor about this class and the workload and ongoing problems. Unfortunately he needs the grades now, at the latest on the 27th of this month. I have one page out of the twenty done, and an exam to write all by then. I'm very stressed out.

Recent stressors have made their mark on my stress levels and my PTSD is responding (and I have a couple more anniversaries coming up in the week *sigh*). I realize this is not do or die for my life, but for my academics right now, if I don't at least get the exam written - I'm screwed. Here's to hoping that alternating baking/cooking and cramming for an exam and then writing a paper over the holidays turns out better than it goes in my head. Honestly, I'd just like to go to bed until this is over (I know it's a flight response to stress), but I'm working on staying present and in the moment.

A. Lauren

 

[just tina]

Is there some down time you can schedule for a meltdown after the work is done? Post the big date when you can fall apart at your leisure? I couldn't do it myself, last term because it took too long to realize what was going on with me, so I was way too behind to catch up by the time I figured out what time it was. (And trigonometry was a b*tch).

Maybe some physical exercise to get the blood flowing to your brain? Break things down into steps and make a schedule to follow? Post it in big letters and set alarms to keep yourself in touch with what time it is?

Go for passing, then make it better with what time you have left?

If it isn't the best work you've ever done, even if it's the worst work you've ever done, just get it done. This is probably not the best time to be perfectionist.

tina

 

[metis-siren]

Thanks, Tina. Needed to hear that. :) My focus isn't good right now, I don't think it helps that I'm supposed to be making 2 three course meals with desserts over the next two days.

I'm trying not to beat myself up for this but I keep feeling like I should have known better, I know I didn't have other options if I wanted to pursue my education in the next year, but something. I should have done something not to end up here. I think I'm gonna have a good cry about overall stress - maybe that will help.

Take care,

A. Lauren

 

[reallydown]

Hi Siren,

I went through a similar situation last week...ish...I had 2 finals (in courses I was behind inso I had a lot of catching up to do) and to write a paper which was due on Dec 7, then 14th and finally (luckily my prof is very understanding) the 17th...that's beacuse I nearly broke down and I got sick to boot...I don't even know how I got through it...I had panic attacks and thought I was goign into cardiac arrest...and now I'm still sick though...it's going to take a while for both body and mind to recuperate...Is there any way for you to defer the paper and hand it in next term? (Sometimes they allow it here...you just have to talk to the prof and an advisor and fill out a form...I've had to do this once) and that way you could try to focus on the exam. I'll also say what Tina has said, try to focus on just getting it done and if you have time do the fixing...but then I know how hard that is when you're a perfectionist...Hang in here Siren...it will get better. Good luck!

 

[metis-siren]

I'm trying to see the logic in working myself into a frenzy, putting my anxiety and stress levels through the roof and in all probability, crashing. For an exam? For a paper? It doesn't seem worth it to me. I love school, and I love learning, but this just seems ridiculous. Why would I force my own hand into a situation I knew from the beginning would only end in causing my symptoms of PTSD and my other physical health conditions to flare up? On top of a major anniversary coming up. To me it feels like I'm willingly shooting myself in the foot.

Okay, so I want to work on my disassociation and anxiety. Got that. But how do you work on it when you're willingly putting yourself into situations that exacerbate the symptoms but don't address the underlying cause?

My identity may be completely tied into my education, but the difference between the identity I want and the reality is that I tend to refuse to acknowledge the PTSD factor, if you will. Yes, my education means the world to me, but if I put my education before myself, in terms of health and wellbeing, I'm saying to myself "This is worth the pain and suffering, the anxiety, etc.. that you are going to be in after." That's just not true. This doesn't further my healing, it doesn't make me a better person, it gets me a credit, a credit that in terms of who I am, doesn't define me, doesn't change who I am, it's just a class.

So, I'm going to work on studying, but not hurt myself in the process. I have my first appointment with my new psychiatrist in a few days, and I'd rather not create a significant amount of stress right before I walk into my assessment. I think it's enough that it's the holiday season, that I have an anniversary coming up, etc...

So I'm about 90% sure I'm going to lower my courseload for next semester, attempt to get a deferral, at least for the paper and allocate (with a schedule) time to work on healing. This is my life, and I'd like to live it, not just in a reactionary sort of way. I need to own up to what I bring to the table, but also know when it's PTSD and not just me.

Here's to hoping (academically speaking, some thing are beyond my control if I defer, or attempt to defer).

Thank you.

A. Lauren

 

[just tina]

Sounds like you got a handle on what you need. Hope the deferral works out for you. It's hard to admit that PTSD is getting the better of you, isn't it? Sometimes it's just hard to tell what it is. How can you tell when your ability to compensate is wearing too thin? You can't tell when you register what shape you'll be in during finals, or exactly how demanding the term is going to be. Is anything going to come out of left field? Will I get physically ill? Will I have problems with money? Life can be stressful without PTSD. With PTSD? We're here aren't we? Having problems that are perfectly NORMAL (which includes sickening and maddening).

I always like to play it safe, so I'm only registering for two classes next term. There are some disadvantages to that, but confidence is confidence---I need a successful term. Ouches in the present still hurt. I see it as a battle. PTSD sometimes beats the crap out of me, but I've won enough to keep long truces and do what I think I should be doing. I try to do as much as I can to set myself up for success, but didn't succeed on this round. That's o.k. (now--- it was very not o.k. for the last two months).

Sometimes, I feel the most free and energized after a particularly bad spell, when I've worked through some issues. It feels like a lead weight I didn't know was there has been removed. Suffering is part of the healing. Anniversaries can be especially hard, but at least we have clues that they're coming, even if we block those clues. I've been trying to think of a ritual to mark my anniversary. Taking November off the calendar isn't an option, so I guess I'll have to be creative.

Choosing between the rock and the hard place is a tough call for anyone, and when we have a condition making us scatterbrained and anxious, it's very difficult to make decisions and gauge the consequences. It's good you're taking care of yourself and getting what you need. Good luck with your new psychiatrist. Everything that makes you want your education and makes you good at it is still in there. Working on your PTSD will be rewarding, in time, even if it just looks like life support now.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I had a hard time reading through all of the posts, but the first one really got my attention. I'm not going to go off as to all of the "whys"

Anyway, I struggled through college without knowing I had PTSD. I was labeled as depressed with borderline schizophrenia. I got through school with my associate degree, and went on to get my bachelors degree. Then my father's murder went to trial and I stopped responding to life.

I decided to start responding to life about 3 years ago and I'm $30,000 in debt from student loans. Now, I can't work. So why did I go to school? So I could say that I have a degree but can't put it to use-No. I'm not sure how to feel about this because even though I can't hold a job, having that accomplishment helps with my self esteem.

The bottom line is this. Are you getting into debt by attending school? If so, will you be able to work until the debt is paid off with all of the ups and downs from your illness? You can't file bankruptcy on student loans because I tried after my car accident.

If your not getting into debt then it's great, keep going. But if your racking up debt please think about your future seriously with PTSD, and even ask a professional if they think you can hold a job long enough to pay back those loans. If they say yes keep in mind that one more trauma is all it takes.

I'm not trying to be a downer, but the government takes these loans seriously and if you can barely hang on now, it would be reasonable to consider that working full time for the rest of your life to pay back these loans would be difficult.

Just some food for thought.
Tammy

 

[metis-siren]

Thank you Tammy. I'm on disability now, and right now I can't work. That said, my future ability to work is quite plausible although asking a professional right now might be a little tricky as I'll be doing my intake with my new psychiatrist and not yet built up a working relationship. I will talk to my GP about it, although my guess is that he will only be able to respond in terms of my physical health conditions.

I am getting some bursaries that help the financial burden (and whatever I don't end up using for school related costs go straight to debt repayment and saving to pay off student debt).