Identity

[Whyteferret]

I got caught in my
Brain today. Who am I now?
Different life to live

After the assault that caused the PTSD, my life changed. I basically remade myself over time. I viewed the victim of the assault as someone else, if that makes sense. I took on another skin. I know/ knew they were the "same" as in the same person. It's not like two separate personalities. Hard to explain this. In a way, The assault didn't bother me much, since it happened to a different Whyteferret.

Then, the TBI. And it all changed again.

Sometimes I feel like a totally different person now. My brain works differently. I see myself in terms of before and after. Personalities can change after brain injury. Then there’s the whole thing about actual changes in how the brain works. For example, sensory overload. That’s physical. Is hating change and being inflexible a personality change or trying to control for safety and function? Is being angry grieving?

Now add in PTSD that became totally unhinged. Nightmares, intrusive thoughts, fear... Triggers. I started reading the forum about assault. I couldn't do it. Too many others. Too many similarities. Too much hopelessness and seriously wanting to hurt people.

I'm not the post PTSD person,

It’s just strange to feel like I’m a stranger in my own skin. I guess it doesn’t matter why. It just is. But, I really don’t like who I am now. But, I can't figure out who I am.

Stuck in my mind tonight. Scary place to be. Did I mention I think way rooms hand can’t quit? Fun timeS.

 

[Whyteferret]

I got caught in my
Brain today. Who am I now?
Different life to live

After the assault that cause...

"Room hand won't quit?!" Autocorrect hates me.
Yeah.

 

[shimmerz]

But, I can't figure out who I am.

I can completely relate to this posting at this time. No words for you because I am still trying to figure it out myself....

I just want you to know I am feeling for you.

 

[Nevermore]

@Whyteferret - what did you mean "room hands won't quit"? thar made me laugh even though I don't feel at all humerous at the moment.
I think I know what you mean about the identity thing. I too get confused, feel like I was a very different person before all of this.
But most of it has to do with loss of trust with me. I find it so hard to trust anybody and that itself has changed me very much as a person.
i find it hard too reading of others traumas - get overwhelmed!
I do think anger is part of grieving. I've certainly felt that. And hating change - feel that too - makes sense when you already feel vulnerable and not safe.
the key for me is patience and self compassion.
It's taking a lot longer than I thought it would at the start but I suppose that's the definition of trauma. It's not a superficial wound! It goes pretty deep.
I hope the room hands DO quit some time soon (-:

 

[Whyteferret]

@Whyteferret - what did you mean "room hands won't quit"? thar made me laugh even th...

The room hands thing... Autocorrect HATES me. Hey, if it makes people laugh- good to go. I couldn't have made it any funnier if I tried.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I remember I disossiated a lot in my trauma, me watching me being traumatized, my therapist says thats normal. Could that be what you are describing?

For me, because I did that, and the "one" being traumatized did have a name back then and today I have trouble connecting with my past. It feels like it didnt happen though it did. I talk about it like Im talking about the weather. Could it be something like that?

Spoiler: A bit longer verison of me

For me, I feel the "real me" or maybe the non-traumatized me (unsure) is locked inside this prision cell that is my brain. So much is automatic and the more I try to control it, the more uncontrolled it becomes. Its insanity! But I do feel like Im 2 seperate people inside of one mind and body and one comes out automatically at different times but there is not loss of memory and there's not a seperate name or personality so its not DID. And these 2 "people" inside my mind fight each other.

I often wonder whom am I too? Whom would I be if it all didnt happen? And whom am I today? Am I the one being traumatized or the one floating above watching it? Its so confusing!

 

[Whyteferret]

The room hands thing... Autocorrect HATES me. Hey, if it makes people laugh- good to go. I couldn...

@jojo88

I remember I disossiated a lot in my trauma, me watching me being traumatized, my therapist s...

@lostforgottensoul
It could be. I don't remember most of the trauma at all. Maybe it is a form of disossiciation now. Building a stronger person who it didn't happen to and nothing like that will happen to?

It's confusing

 

[Whyteferret]

I got caught in my
Brain today. Who am I now?
Different life to live

After the assault that cause...

Ok everyone- autocorrect HATES me. "Room hands won't quit." Wow. That's unique.
;):)

 

[Chimera]

I remember I disossiated a lot in my trauma, me watching me being traumatized, my therapist s...

You said this so well, I can not find the words to explain it, but you did it.
Thank you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well @Chimera you are very welcome! :hug:

It's confusing

Yes it is! I think it is more of you were disossiated back then hense the loss memory and the disconnecting to it. I also struggle with this and with saying something happened at all, because to me, it didnt. In reality, it did.

Ok everyone- autocorrect HATES me. "Room hands won't quit."

We dont see that in the box you are quoting. Did you mean what we see you are quoting or what you are stating now?

I got caught in my
Brain today. Who am I now?
Different life to live

After the assault that cause...

I dont see anything about "room hands wont quit" so Im confused at which one you meant to type.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Stuck in my mind tonight. Scary place to be. Did I mention I think way rooms hand can’t quit? Fun timeS.

Oh nevermind, i must have missed that.

So what did you mean that auto correct messed up?

 

[Whyteferret]

Oh nevermind, i must have missed that.

So what did you mean that auto correct messed up?[/QU...

@lostforgottensoul
Well. I typed something else that autocorrect thought was "wrong." I have a new iPad and the set up of the keys on the touch screen is a bit different than the old one.
So some interesting things come out

I need to proofread better.
But, still that was funny.