Relationship If Your Sufferer Left You, It Might Not Be PTSD.

[Frankie]

becvan, we do know what this thread is about, my post certainly reflects that....we simply speak from what we have experienced.

"PTSD not being the be all end all excuse"....Very true bec, but also true that it can be and we have to acknowledge and accept the difference !

Frankie

 

[pegasus]

Agreed, as my counselor has pointed out to me when I've had to ask these similar questions as to whether I'm using it as an excuse to prevent me from seeing something in the relationship that I don't want to see. He has pointed out the fact that I can step outside the situation and look at it from multiple angles is significant in making a decision for myself as to what is likely going on. I am a very analytical person with a clinical perspective that I have applied to this. If this was about the relationship then that is what it would be about, unfortunately I know it's not. It's not to say that there aren't issues within the relationship to work out. However at times it can be the PTSD that prevents participation in the relationship or working on things that need working on. It's no difference than having to differentiate when someone is pulling away because of PTSD or pulling away because they don't like you. For some cases it may be the latter, others it may be the PTSD. Each situation may be different for us all.

 

[Butigotup]

You may be right. But it's important to recognize that, whether it's the PTSD or not, they have a right to pull away. Whether it's the PTSD or not, they have a right to leave.

It might be that your partner leaves you because of their PTSD. If so, that doesn't mean the decision isn't real, or isn't theirs to make. They're responsible for their actions, whatever might be behind their actions, and you can't ignore the fact that they've left just because they have this condition. If they tell you there isn't a relationship anymore, you can't just blame PTSD and go on insisting you're together.

I haven't been here all that long, but I'm afraid I see some situations where people seem to be pretending thier partner has no autonomy because of this illness.

As carers, I think we have to accept that we have control only over ourselves and our own attitudes. We can't keep a one-sided relationship going by force of will. It may be very hard for a PTSD sufferer to be with someone -- that's why it means so much when they are with someone, in whatever way they can be.

But they can also leave. And often they do. We can blame PTSD or something else, but we can't unmake their decision for them, even if we feel in our hearts that it's wrong.

 

[pegasus]

That is a 100% correct. Sometimes you have to give things time. Sometimes you have to have patience. Some of us are just romantics at the end of the day. When it is clearly because of the PTSD, then it's hard to just let go. It doesn't mean we may not have to, but at the point we let go is on our time. Just like someone with PTSD or any illness has to make a choice to try to manage and be healthy. We have to make a choice on when it is right to have hope and when it isn't. We have to make a choice of how to be healthy for us and that can be done in a lot of different ways depending upon the individual. What I hear, and my perception may be incorrect is that people think we are forcing them to stick around. I know in my case I am not forcing anything, in fact I'm trying to do the exact opposite. Just because I may not be in the drivers seat doesn't mean at any point I don't have the option to get in the drivers seat and drive away and forward. It is up to each individual on each side of the perspective to make that decision when they feel it is right for them to do so.

 

[becvan]

Pegasus: you haven't been here very long. My thread is not something aimed personally at you, unless of course it fits your circumstances. They have been, and will be more, carers who do attempt to force their partners to stay with them. They are NUMEROUS carers who blame everything on PTSD. There are many carers who act as if a person who has PTSD is incapable of making decisions and refuse to accept any decision from them.

I've been here just over three years now and I've seen it over and over and over again. I'm just trying to bring some awareness to the subject. I want other carers to start thinking about this.

bec

 

[pegasus]

Thats fair Bec, and I understand how that could happen. In fact it could happen quite easily, it's been something I have discussed a lot with my counselor and some people who are close with me that would be honest with me. It's something I have feared because it's the last thing I want to do. I feel while the future is very unanswered, I'm seeing things very clearly in present time and thats is important to me. It should be to anyone as a carer as without our own clarity we have the likelyhood to inflict damage.

 

[Carolina]

I think becvan makes a very valid point, as well as others.

I think it is sometimes difficult as a carer to identify when to let go. Although to be fair, I think that a lot of people overthink this kind of things. Myself included at times. But it is one characteristic that carers need to learn: letting go.

And boy, is it hard to learn!

 

[Nicolette]

It's something I have feared because it's the last thing I want to do.

Dare I suggest that some Carers think exactly like this to the extent of being co-dependent and it is not leaving the person which is the real issue but the fear of being single or alone. Co-dependency is a good fit for someone with uncontrolled PTSD IMHO as the co-dependent would put up with more crap than a healthy person.

From Mental Health America:

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Some Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

PS...this is not directed at you Pegasus....your comment just raised these thoughts.

 

[helena]

Oh, my... I think I have slipped into that behaviour without realising.

I have thought hard about this and (I think) pity/love/compassion probably do get mangled up when you are with someone who suffers because we don't want them to suffer!!!

I know that it chews me up inside just to read about the husband who has to bang his head against the wall to get rid of flashbacks. My own pity(??) is possibly why I tolerate behaviour from my partner that I would never tolerate from anyone else.

I will read more on enabling because I have that uncomfortable feeling when we all read something that we recognise but don't really want to believe is true.

 

[pegasus]

Thanks Nicollette I actually liked your post very much. These are the very issues I have discussed in counseling to assure I'm not in that pattern. There are things I recognize that are my own fears which in counseling I've had to work to seperate between my issues versus her issues and how they reflect on me and the things I need to do in order to be healthy for myself.