I'm About To See My "best" Friend For The Last Time

[silkleaves]

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to put this... I'm just really sad and upset and well... Okay, just sharing. I have a friend who I have known now for 23 years. We were incredibly close as teens, even when I was sent across the country, we wrote 10 page letters and called whenever possible. We had a bit of a falling out at one time, but then when we saw each other again in our mid-20's I was back in the state and we made up for lost time and were as close as ever.

Though she didn't know of everything I was dealing with at home, she knew it was bad, and we just got each other...we were very close and I felt safe with her. Even when I was talking to no one else, she was someone I always kept close.

About 8 yrs ago she met a guy, and he and I did not get along at all. The #1 and really only reason I did not like him, was because for the first few months they were dating, she would call me nearly every week in tears over something he said or did to make her feel bad. It was killing me and to me, from the things he said, and the stuff she started saying about herself, I felt like she was in an abusive relationship. Then he forbid her (those were the words) from telling me anything about what goes on between them, and she stopped telling me anything about what was going on.

There were a few times when she tried to get us together, I mean as time went on, he was a part of her life and I had to figure a way to accept that. But that was a total fail. He would say the most obnoxious things to me, and just rub me the wrong way. Part of my problem was that she and I no longer were able to talk privately. She couldn't talk on the phone if he wasn't there. We couldn't spend any time together. And when I said that there are some private things that I would just like to be able to talk to my best friend about, he replied, trying to be joking but I know he wasn't, that he can be one of the girls too.

The final straw came when I went to visit her for the weekend. It had been a couple years now and I had never had any time alone just to talk to her, and it was killing me. She promised me that she talked to him, let him know it was important to me, and that we'd be able to go out for breakfast alone together for some time to talk. At the last moment he decided that didn't work for him, and he came with us. I was annoyed, but at this point already used to the idea. We all went out for drinks in the evening, we arrived at the bar, then he decided to go out and buy something for the bartender (I still have no idea what that was about) and told her to come with him. They were gone for over an hour.

In that time, I'm sitting there by myself twiddling my thumbs, and ended up in conversation with the group of guys next to me. When they finally came back, I introduced them to the guys I'd been talking to, and things seemed to be fine, until out of the blue, he gets up and says its time to go...looking incredibly pissed off. I had no idea what was going on, and on the way back to the car he starts going off about how Im sitting there like a whore, talking to guys at a bar and letting them buy me drinks. Tells me my bf would be furious to know what I was doing. I was like, first of all, my bf will be furious to know I was left alone at the bar for an hour, and second of all, he could care less, when he is performing, I'm usually at the bar watching him and hes watched as I talked to guys. And besides that...did you seriously just call me a whore?

Back at my friends place, it got very nasty. It ended up with him saying we aren't girls in school anymore, that everything has to evolve including our friendship, and that I need to stop trying to keep getting her alone without him cause that is never going to happen. Told me "thank you for being there for her all these years, but I'm here now" My friend just stood there crying, and I couldn't take both seeing her cry, and him put me down and get on my case like that, so I left...at 3 am for the 4 hour drive back home. That's the last time I went to visit her, and that was about 6 years ago.

Once home, I let her know...I still love her and consider her my best friend...that I'm going to stop putting pressure on trying to talk and spend time together, but that I'm here whenever. Since then, the only times we talk is when shes at work or on the drive back home, but she has to hang up before she gets inside. Whenever I was going to be in town and would ask her if we can meet up she'd say shes busy, and not since she has been with him, 8 years now, has she come to visit me. Our conversations center around her job and whatever her family is up to, but that's it...very superficial.

Over the years, she's become less herself, and more like him... in that, she has become very cutting and well..rude. At one time I told her I was thinking about getting implants and she said oh gawd, now you're going to look all ghetto. Wait..what? That turned into an argument that led to her crying and saying she doesnt know why she said that and she didn't mean to offend me.

When I was diagnosed last year, I really needed and wanted some support. Throughout the years, I have been there for her medical problems, dropped everything and told my boss I needed time off so that I could be there for her when she was in the hospital, dog sit, I cleaned her entire home, I did everything I could to be there for her. In return...when I told her I had PTSD and major depressive disorder...I actually sat down and wrote her a long email. She sent a text saying, there's no way you have PTSD, you've never seen someone die, and you're happy. Then she sent several texts saying the same thing, okay so whats your trauma? I want to know what trauma you could have had. There's no way you have PTSD.

I completely fell apart, it took so much to tell her, and then that's the reaction I get? After some back and forth, she said things don't translate well in text, she didn't mean it "that way" and I'm taking it all wrong. I sent her some links about PTSD, while pouring my heart out over how I just needed some support, and she replied back "ok" and that was the end of that..

In Jan I met someone, it was the first time in 4 years I had ever gotten involved with anyone..it wasn't serious, but just that I was involved was a huge deal for me. I didn't say anything about it to anyone for a long time because well..it could end at any moment. But finally I did tell her I was seeing someone. Then as luck would have it, a couple weeks later we had a falling out and I told her that we weren't seeing each other anymore...I was really upset about it, and the only response was "well that didn't last long" and then that's it.

Okay, so finally, to the point of this whole whiny post...shes getting married on Sat. She called me up a few months ago to let me know, and said that she and her guy would really be honoured if I would be the witness to sign on something. I was happy for her, I mean even though I don't like the guy or what he's done to our friendship, they are obviously happy together and I've backed so far out now that I try not to even think about the history between this guy and I. I told her I would love to, that I was happy for her.

Okay, so that was about 4 months ago, haven't heard from her since...except to get the wedding invite and general mass emails etc. I've been talking to her brother, who was giving her away at the wedding. A few days ago, I was saying how I'm not sure how this whole thing with being a witness works, that I haven't heard anything, and he said that he hasn't heard anything about a rehearsal or what to do with giving her away. But we figured it was simple enough and not a big deal.

Yesterday, I decide I better find out for very sure, and also just to touch bases because I haven't heard anything from her. I ask her what I need to know to be a witness, and she said there's nothing to know, she doesn't need a witness to sign anything anymore. Okay.... So I ask her, hey by the way, is your brother still giving you away? And she said no, no one is giving her away. So I had to let him know, and he is understandably upset about it.

I've anyway been dreading going to the wedding, because basically, from what I understand, its just going to be a party at a park, everyone is going to be drinking, and then at some point they are going to say their vows then go back to partying. So its not a real wedding or anything, more like a party with an interlude. Ok fine, but whenever her guy is drinking, he says the nastiest things to me. So I have been dreading it...having dreams about it, and I've been feeling sick to my stomach for the past couple of weeks.

Her brother is already pissed off about the whole thing, but he is my ride, and he told me, if anything happens, just let him know and he'll get me out of there. He doesn't even know I have PTSD, just that he knows I've been really on edge about the whole thing, so he keeps telling me not to worry, that the second I want out, we leave.

But you know...it really is hurtful, I know you can't expect or demand that people say and do what you want them to...but seriously, knowing how I feel about the guy, knowing that even with all that I've stepped back, that I was genuinely happy for her, that I felt honored she wanted me to be a witness, then decide, not to do it (no worries, I know plans change) but to not even care enough to bother to let me know...that I am that insignificant. I mean yes, the signs have been there through the years that she doesn't care, but I don't know, I just wanted to believe that she was still someone important in my life in same way. But it kills me that I really am worth nothing to her at all.

I'm still going to the wedding...I promised that I would, and her brother and I are going to make a weekend of it just to hang out together the rest of the time, so I'm looking forward to that. But I know when I see her tomorrow, it's the last time I have anything to do with her. Because I can't do this anymore. I feel like a part of me inside is dying, and I don't even know how I'm going to deal tomorrow. Already decided I'm not going to drink anything cause I don't want to end up making any sort of scene. So yeah...

I don't really expect anyone to read this stupid long whiny message, not even sure what I'm trying to achieve here...but I feel better getting it off my chest, cause I've never told anyone and I feel really lame for the whole thing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Your friend is in a very abusive relationship with a very bad jerk. You have done your best.

But you have to think of you and your needs and wants and boundries and limits that are being violated and trampled on. She is not treating you well and I think it is time to fade her out of your life if you are able to do this. She is not there for you in any way.

So why are you still friends with her? She and her boyfriend have serious problems and are very unhealthy.

I think you have so much to consider but you have to put yourself first now.

There is so much denial in them.

I am so sad that you are still trying to be with this person who once meant so much to you. She has obviously turned against you. Her boyfriend is threatened by you and treating you so horribly.

I had a problem like that and refused to go to the wedding. They are divorced now some fifteen years later.

I have nothing to do with either one of them.

I do not allow drama producing people into my life.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide. This is just my opinion and you can toss what you do not like.

I am very concerned for you.

 

[silkleaves]

Thanks so much... to be honest, I'm concerned for me too. Because even though I know on a logical level that it's over with, that it should have been over with years ago, the thought of her not being in my life kills me. Even though not only is she not adding to it, but taking away from it. Whenever I think of her and what's become of us, I fall apart. For so many years, she was all I had. She was my only friend throughout middle and high school. When I had to move, for nearly a year, I had no friends at my new school, she was it for me. It's just hard to come to terms with it that she's not that person anymore.

And I generally just have a hard time letting go. It takes a lot for me to let someone in, and then once I have..it takes everything to let them go. I know myself...if after tomorrow, she were to call me up and say that she needs me, I would drop everything and drive up there. Even fully knowing that she wouldn't ...hasn't... given me the time of day when all I needed was someone to talk to. I can't stand that about myself. Because I should know better. And if it was anyone else, I would tell them to cut that person out of their life.

But I also know, once I've had enough, I'm completely done. When I finally cut my mother out of my life, that is it. I was there for her when she was in the hospital earlier this year, but not for her, I didn't feel anything for her, I barely even talked to her... I was there because my sister asked me to, because I wanted to support my aunt and cousin who were dealing with her. But if it wasn't for that, my mom could be up there in the hospital and I would not have minded at all. I finally reached the point where it's not important to me that she love or accept me. After everything she did to me, it still took me until I was 35 before I finally, genuinely gave up.

And the same for my ex...He cheated on me, lied to me, made a joke out of me, lied about me and the things I was doing, the girl he cheated on me with harassed and stalked me for 2 years...she would read my emails to him, delete them and spread rumours, and he would say I shouldn't have emailed him to begin with and Im just trying to start drama..even if he was the one to email me first, and still I kept trying to hold onto him as a part of my life. It wasn't until he moved and told me flat out that he was taking advantage of me and keeping me around to do things for him that it finally clicked. And even then, to this day, whenever he gets in touch with me I still will respond back and happy to hear from him. And I know he only does it to see if he still has some sort of hold on me, because he wont reply back for months. And I'm left wondering what is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this?

So yeah. Even I am not convinced. On one level, the recent stuff has me saying, okay this is it...my limit has been reached. But on another level...I think it would have to take her being incredibly mean to me for me to finally get it. I mean, she hasn't been such a great friend at all, but I don't really know how much of it is me seeing things from some whacked out perspective and taking it all wrong, and how much of it really is me having a valid reason to feel the way I do.

 

[Fadeaway]

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I think Gizmo said it well. The only thing I have to add is that it is not about you, or really her even, it is about her fiance's need for control, but she has to do what she has to do to survive until the day comes that she ever tries to break it off with him. :hug:

You are doing what you are doing because you love her her and you care, but sometimes love means walking away. By walking away you are loving yourself as well as her.

 

[silkleaves]

You are right... he is very controlling, and he wants all of her. After the night I left her home for the last time, she told me that he's uncomfortable with our friendship, and that he is with her now, he is to be her best friend and no one else. But I was like, that doesn't make sense. Of course they are to be close in a way that is well, intimate, as a couple they should have a very special type of bond. But that doesn't mean she should not have a special type of bond with anyone else. And she said he doesn't see it that way.

She had even told me, that they could never have children together, because he does not want to have to share her love. I asked her, seriously, does that sound right to you? And she said it doesn't really matter because she doesn't want to have children anyway. But yeah, he wants all of her. Anything she enjoyed doing before she met him, he put an end to it.

Before, she used to travel...she spent like a month in Asia just traveling around and he's not into that, so that was over with. She was into photography and had started doing weddings, and it looked like it was really going to take off for her, but she couldn't do it anymroe because it was cutting into their couple time. She used to go to salsa dancing classes once a week, and he doesn't like to dance, and didn't want her going because it was something they couldn't do together.

And of course, hated that I kept wanting to have some time just be be able to talk to her...anything I could say to her I should be able to say to him too. And I was like no way...she has been my friend since I was 12, there are things I say to her that I couldn't say to my own bf, to my husband, to whatever man in my life..why would I share my private thoughts with you? And he felt if I had a problem with him hearing something, then it didn't need to be said at all. Adding that whatever I said to her, she would tell him anyway.

UGH I am so upset...I really am. Every inch of me is so upset, not just for me, or what it's done to our friendship, but what it's done to her. She is not the person I was so close to, who I considered a sister. She's just...so cold and cruel now and I don't understand it. I don't understand how someone can just turn and not see anything wrong with it.

 

[silkleaves]

By the way, I talked to her mom a couple of days ago, before I found out I was nixed from being a part of the wedding, but just in general, that I'd been wanting to call and talk to her but afraid to, because she has a way of being cutting and mean lately, that I was afraid to say anything. And saying how I'm really upset with how her guy has changed her over the years.

And she told me that this is actually not new. This guy is only her 2nd boyfriend....the first one, I don't know too much about because they were together during the time she and I had stopped talking, and we reunited just after her breakup with him. But her mother said that the family had to deal with her being like this before, and so this is just round two of the same thing. She told me that I'm very lucky I missed out on the first boyfriend, but everyone else is used to it.

So I guess that yeah, she didn't just "turn" but has a history of taking on the personality of the guy she is with and then cold-shoulders her friends and family. Its very heartbreaking.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am afraid that your friend will have to hit rock bottom before she wakes up out of her denial of reality. I realize how heartbreaking this must be for you right now.

She is not good for you right now. I think your friend and her boyfriend have a very sick and unhealthy relationship.

It is so hard to let go. Only you will know when the time comes, if it ever comes. I realize that you are grieving the losses of her friendship but she is not a good friend to you.

No one can turn on a light for you to see what is really going on. Only you can do that. I know you do not deserve to be abused by them.

Some people have no bottom to hit.

I had a sister in law like that and she stayed close to her husband and was his slave until he died. She was on drugs and she sold her soul for them and took everyone around her down with her. I felt so sorry for her but she was so blind. I never understood it but when her mom was dying and the way she was acting really opened my eyes and I cut her out of my life and have been better off for doing that.

I think it is a good thing she is not going to have children with him. My sister in laws kids were a royal mess and one is charged with manslaughter for five people who died in the massive forest fire he started and got the death sentence.

So as I see it you have some serious thinking to do. You have some really serious choices to make and I wish you well.

 

[silkleaves]

You are very right... 8 years of this is too much.

And its not really even a solid 8 years, only when I think about it or we have any sort of contact, I get riled up again, otherwise I try not to think about it at all and just leave her alone. But that I have to do that sucks. But yeah, I can't keep doing this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Pity her.

She is pathetically sad in that she hasn't enough self worth to be her own person and stand up for her own rights. She's morphed into a nasty person, essentially to keep a man. I don't understand why women do this. Being single is better than selling your soul.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Solara Being in an abusive relationship changes your ability to think logically. You are constantly in survival mode so critical thinking goes out the window. You aren't thinking rationally when you are in that situation, you are thinking "What can I do to minimize how much he hurts me."

Looking back on who I was then and how I thought back then, I could just slap. I just couldn't see the problems in my way of thinking back then. It is why I did everything I could to make sure that never happened again. I learned about all the warnings signs and about what a healthy relationship looked like. I made every excuse in the world not to get into a relationship, and was single for 7 years.

 

[silkleaves]

I survived the wedding! And crazily enough, with the help of my friends brother. When I got there, her fiance took me to where she was getting ready and there was all the hoopla of her pre-wedding last minute touches, getting her hair done and getting dressed etc. She was really happy to see me and all.

I was still really heartbroken, because when she first told me she was getting married, right away I asked her what she needed and that I would love to help out, and she told me she had it all covered. But I watched as several of her friends were there helping her with stuff and all who had a key part in something they did to contribute. I felt so left out and kept thinking about how completely worthless I was to her.

When it was time to be seated, I was instructed by one of her friends there that the table with the red cloth was for family and close friends, and that I can sit at any of the round tables with black cloths. Almost fell apart to hear that, but decided to grab some water and hang back a bit to try and keep myself together before sitting down. I mean, that's something I can't fault my friend for, she was still inside getting ready, and the person telling me this didn't know me. I don't know.

Thankfully, her aunt looked over and saw me, and told me to grab a chair from a round table and come sit with them at the family table. I was beyond relived, because the only people I knew there were her family and the other childhood friend of hers. During the ceremony, she had with her three friends as her bridesmaids, and afterwards she turned to hug all of them, and I nearly fell apart again. At that point when I turned away, I caught sight of her brother who had hung in the back, he was pretty upset himself for not being able to give her away.

Anyway, as soon as it was over, he started motioning it was time to go, so I said goodbye to the family, my friend was taking pictures so I asked them to let her know I have to leave, and we jet out of there. Once we got back to the car, he said that I looked like I was on the verge of a meltdown..which surprised me cause I thought I was holding up pretty good! We went for dinner and drinks...I told him I wanted another drink and he said it was time to get out of there...I was all nooo I want another! lol but he said somewhere else. He went to get our server, and by the time he came back I felt like I had hit a wall, all of a sudden I felt shaky and it took everything not to start crying. He said he took care of the check and we should take a walk.

Once out of there, he said that when the place was empty, I seemed okay, but the more people that came in, the quieter I got, and I didnt realize it, but he was trying to talk to me and I was just not there at all. So when I said I wanted another drink, he just felt like it would be best if we got some fresh air and then went someplace quiet. We did have another drink and that went fine, but was ready to go back to the hotel. I fell asleep immediately...but he said that I was restless and he thought I was talking to him randomly, but realized I was talking in my sleep..nothing that made any sense, but I was surprised to hear that because I never even knew that I did that. No one has ever told me I talk in my sleep!

Today at lunch, out of the blue he asks if he can ask me a personal question..then asked me if by any chance I have PTSD or think I might have it. I kind of stared at him blankly, cause no one has ever asked me that, more less asked or thought anything was wrong with me, cause you know, I hide it pretty well! But he said that over the past day with me, the biggest thing was that he noticed how I completely checked out...at the wedding, afterwards over dinner, and even then at lunch, he said I was completely gone. I was disassociating and didn't even realize it. And he said that he didn't mean to keep scooting me out of places, but that he could just see it, that I was overwhelmed and shutting down and just wanted to get me away before I have a meltdown or something. Plus I guess I was being really argumentative with him, being irritable and well, not acting anything like myself how I usually am...okay I really did not even notice I was doing any of this.

So, I ended up telling him and he was super supportive...he asked if his sister knew, and I told him what happened when I told her and he said he's not surprised..and even he told me that he knows how much I love her, but that after seeing the way she makes me feel and what it was doing to me, that it just might be time to give it a break...that anything can change but for right now, he was really worried about me and the last thing I need is to try so hard to be close to someone who is doing so much damage to me.

Even though I knew it, and you all here told me that too, it still hurt to hear it and from him. But it's what has to be done. I'm just really very grateful that he was there for me, and was able to see, even when I was oblivious, that I was not putting my face on as well as I thought I was.

And in a way, that really scares me...because I always pep talk myself when I have to head out, put my face on and then am able to hold it together until I can get back home and decompress. I've never had someone notice, or tell me they notice that anything is wrong. It also scares me that I was disassociating so much, and had no awareness of it at all. Usually when I come out of it I know it happened, but nothing, absolutely no recollection of it..if he hadn't told me I wouldn't have known.

And here I was thinking I was at least aware of what is going on with me, but apparently I'm not. I feel like I'm not getting any better at all. Granted, I was so stressed out and it took everything I had in my to hold it together, but I wasn't even doing that. I have seriously really lost my ability to put my face on and act...I think I am when in reality, I'm not at all. What do I do now? Like, where do I go from here when I'm completely unaware of myself like that?

I made it through the wedding, which is a relief, but I'm more scared of myself now, and I feel sick to my stomach about it.

I'm sorry this is so crazy long...seriously, all I meant to write is that I made it through the wedding and back home now, then all of that just poured out. I'm a mess.