I'm Afraid I'm Headed To A Bad Place

[StressyJen]

I'm starting to think I need to accept the fact that any interaction with anyone triggers me. I had a wonderful time at the women's prayer breakfast last Saturday at my new church, nothing went wrong, everyone was nice to me and I left feeling happy but starting about an hour later and ever since I have been depressed and overwhelmed by the emotions and over and over reminded how my life is so messed up and all the wasted years because of this stupid PTSD crap and because no one helped me and my family just dumped me and left me to wither and die when I was little and just kept pounding on me every time I came crawling back begging for love..

I'm in a different phase now. After 26 or so years of total confusion, guilt, despair, etc (ad nauseam). Something's changed, now I'm in a different phase because of PTSD diagnosis and understanding my mother's very very ill and will never come back and love me like I was waiting for. Anger? Disgust? Wasted? I don't know how to describe it. What will be the next phase? Will it be something better? I need something to look forward to and I need to move it along if it is. I can't wait 25 years for it.

I wasn't expecting this this week and with the holidays coming up I'm terrified. I just got married! I want to be happy now but I can feel myself spiraling downward. I was doing really well for awhile... I thought maybe I would be on an upward climb from now on but I have that feeling in my stomach with the tears welling up like here it comes, please some miracle happen so I don't sink down to that awful place.

 

[anni]

I'm sorry. That must be awfully disapointing and frustrating, feeling like it SHOULD be over now but feeling the slide beginning. I'm just answering because sometimes when things are amazing I also go down the dam tubes. Everyone is different but to me, it FEELS like I'm almost afraid to allow this new happiness,whatever. I'm convinced I do not deserve it, it's been so elusive anyway so surely, surely it's going to go away along with all the nice people who only THINK they know me. In my head the real me is so awful, when the others figure this out, they'll leave, too, since of course I've only been fooling them in some way. The PTSD honestly does re-wire us, plus the old thinking patterns are tough, tough to budge out of that worn-in-stone track we've gotten into through years of use. I KNOW I do not wish to feel that way but yes, it slides in there and only because I had my T to tell me how to yank on the reins in some kind of self awareness am I able to sometimes regroup with this, if that makes any sense ( and please do excuse if it doesn't? ). I basically check in with the T, if I can't get a grip myself. It's like living with another person in my head, because the healthy one can see what the old me is up to, thank God, and will at least call him. He gets me out of the rutted thinking and at least back to the whole self-worth subject. Once one is there ( at least me ), the rest is work, to be sure, but at least is something to work ON, not floundering in bewilderment as to where the heck this came from, and why.I'll bet he's had to explain this to me 5 times in the last year but he does, kindly and patiently every time.

I don't know if this is the case with you. It just sounded familiar enough to be worth mentioning, I thought. The PTSD rewires us permantly, I guess, but the old thinking patterns can be bludgeoned out of there more and more easily, although I realize at the moment it sure soesn't feel that way. One leads to the other,the incorrect 'wiring' ticks off the old thinking patterns( for whatever reason- overload, some situation too close to home, a careless word, just plain stimulation overlaod) so hopefully the healthy little watch-dog in my head will just sound the alarm so I can go get the stupid thing next time before it runs amuck in my life.

I hope your holidays are a ton better than you think they might me. Christmas is just something you really, really deserve to HAVE, and have well.

SORRY so long. Like I siad, it just sounded familiar to that healthy little gnome in my head. :) Do take care,

Anni

 

[seraphimfelldown]

Hey StressyJen, just wanted to let you know that getting married is one of the biggest stresses someone can have. Yes, its mostly good stress, but it still affects you. Its quite normal to have a flat time afterwards. I am always in a bit of a spin after I meet new people too. I hope for you its just a little dip and things will be better during the holidays.

 

[StressyJen]

Thanks you guys. When I typed this I was afraid of going to that very bad place but I have to believe I won't be going there (the very bad one) ever again. I feel more optimistic today. Anni, you're right I fight between the Now Jennie and the Then Jennie. Have been talking in another thread somewhere about trying to get the Then Jennie to trust the Now Jennie better so she (then jennie) feels safe an doesn't react for me so strongly.

Sera, I was just thinking that I feel a little empty for things to do lately. I think part of it is what you said - all the rushing around getting ready getting married making announcements blah blah blah is winding down and now I have some downtime and that might be why I find my mind now wandering back on the past. Also sadness that my family doesn't care about my life or that I got married and that I am disconnected from so much family etc., and this strings right into the holiday season which every year bring up those kind of feelings all by themselves.

I have to get a plan together to keep myself a bit busier... volunteer somewhere or something, etc. so that I have some positive things to think about in downtime. I just need to find a safe place to do it. I often feel my home is the only safe place for me as I said even the nice church breakfast put me in a tizzy. But I don't think this is the time to give up. I just need a few more things to fill up my thoughts (good things) so the family-monster thoughts don't completely take over and have a big old party in my brain.

Thanks for listening/talking
Jennie

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jennie,

I am glad to hear that you are doing better. It does seem counter intuitive to have downward spirals after really good and happy times in our lives. But stress is stress, and even good stress can take a toll.

Take it easy on yourself, and remember the New Jennie has a whole new life and deserves all the happiness life can bring.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie