I'm Being Dragged Down With Him

[Lady of Longbourn]

What I meant is this current fight. The overall deterioration as been going on for a lot longer then that. My title is talking about my current mental health which is as my therapist says 'the best he has ever seen me".

I realize that he wont listen to me. I'm the last person he will listen too but the first person he will take it out on because I'm the person at home. And with all due respect Nicolette, you and Anthony at least have an understanding of each other.

 

[seedling]

I've lived with the pain of watching my husband not feel well and of having to let him decide for himself how and when he was going to do anything about it. He is an independent sort and makes his own decisions.

I think there was time when he was insecure about my PTSD and then about my recovery. Would I change and leave him "behind" ? Did I still care about him? Did I expect him to do what I was doing (i.e. going to therapy)?

As I got better I was able to I let him know how much I cared. I took every chance that I could (when I could feel it) to express how great I thought he was, what I appreciated about him.

I told him that I was concerned for him but didn't want him feeling guilty if he didn't do what he thought I wanted him to do. His health path is his own and I'm there to support him whatever he decides. It has to be his decisions when he is ready. If he did nothing I finally decided to enjoy him as he is.

Not sure if that's similar to the two of you, but I know it's hard to watch his pain.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The problem is I just don't know what to do. All ready today my anxiety is high. I wait for him to pick a fight with me. So I'm not sure how or if there is anyway of making my husband see of getting some help.

I tried to think of ways to help but...he doesn't seem to want it. I just get nervous.

My therapist thinks I am holding up well. I am still laughing despite it all. I am trying.

If my husband would just let me in I would help him too if I could.

 

[ghotiff]

These are my thoughts, please only take what is useful.

My view is that, currently you have changed and your partner has not adjusted to the new you. It can be tempting to do focus on what they can do to improve but ultimately (as you have stated) you have no control over them changing.

The only thing you can control is yourself, so I gently ask, how do you need to change to improve the situation. A phrase that helps me to work this out is: what improvement to myself will help this situation. For example if he is "dragging you down" then, how can you firm up your own anchor so he impacts you less.

Another way I look at relationships is, are the changes I need to make positive or negative. For example, firming up your own anchor is positive, but joining him at drug parties (as a silly example) is negative.

Hope that helps.

 

[ms spock]

@Nicolette you have done a lot of work on yourself. So the situation is a bit different. But an important insight and point of view, nevertheless. To keep an overall picture of your partner is a good thing.

Also you can be aware that your supporter (or family) is unconsciously sabotaging you - trying to return to the status quo and not leave them. You have to give them time to adjust to the new you.

 

[ms spock]

I think, perhaps, Ayesha, make yourself less of a target by going out to the library to read or go to a coffee shop, so as not to be around to be his emotional punching bag at this time.

@Nicolette is right, keeping in mind all his prior support, assistance and back up is important, whilst at the same time finding new ways to manage how he is at this time.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

how can you firm up your own anchor so he impacts you less.

I have my hobbies. :) But he will put them down. :(

currently you have changed and your partner has not adjusted to the new you.

You have to give them time to adjust to the new you.

Yes. He has no idea and I'm not sure how to tell him it's going to be okay. I'm not going anywhere.

 

[ms spock]

Maybe when he picks a fight, ignore it and say to him I know you have noticed me growing and changing, just because I have new hobbies and interests it doesn't mean I am leaving you. I know it will take time for us both to adjust to my growth and change, but it will be okay, we just have to be gentle with each other.

Can you let him be with his fear and scared feelings? And maybe reassure him that things will be okay. You know something along the lines of it will be okay, things will be okay. I am not going anywhere. I can be here whilst you are uncertain and unsure, it is okay, but I won't argue with you because I don't want to waste our time together.

Perhaps intensely engage him in something or really give him lots of attention? I don't know what works for him.

Maybe every time he picks a fight just say to him it will be okay. We are okay. You are okay. I am okay. He might need a fair bit of reassurance.

Maybe his arguing is a way of seeking reassurance from you or at least keeping a connection with you? So if that is so you can answer his criticisms in a different way.

Also if he is insecure and uncertain maybe get a few cards, write on them and leave them around the house or put them in his brief case, so he gets a message of love and reassurance from you randomly through the day.

Maybe he thinks if he is fighting with you he is connected to you more - who knows, we humans are a very strange lot and often we don't even know why we do what we do.

Just a few thoughts. @Nicolette's chiming in is good, because maybe he needs to know you remember the good things he has done for you. Maybe bring up the past and say this was happening and you supported me, or bought me flowers, or made me laugh.

And catch him doing "good things" so if he does something, even if small, say thank you and comment on it. At the moment I am having troubles so I try to catch my partner B, doing good things and say "That was thoughtful!" "That was sweet!" "You were very good to this person!" - real genuine positive feedback.

Bringing up the past when a person has done some good things - well it can make someone feel heard and like you see them.

You don't really know what is going on with him - and you know what positive things that he responds to, google some more and experiment with "positive reinforcement". Whenever I see B doing something good I comment on it, so he knows I get him. He kind of smile happily and goes on his way. If I am not doing that then I try to get my mindset back to that.

This maybe be off base or helpful. I don't know, but a few ideas anyway.

 

[ghotiff]

I have my hobbies. :) But he will put them down. :(

A HUGE thing I had to learn (and am still learning) is to be okay with my hobbies and not be impacted by others judgement of them. Maybe share them here so we can help you be more confident with them?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@ghotiff I like learning and collecting things about the American Civil War.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He puts down your hobby? I'm so sorry. :(

 

[Nicolette]

While it's not good, some people who don't understand things actually knock them... perhaps that's why he knocks your hobbies or could it be that he is threatened that you have hobbies? Have you asked him why he does this?