I'm Being Dragged Down With Him

[Lady of Longbourn]

We got into another fight, I backed off and then I actually got him to talk to me.

He didn't want to admit he hurts my feelings. He finally admit that he hurt my feelings but that he's sorry "If I feel he hurt my feelings", a bit half-way but at least he sort of admitted to it.

He also admitted that we are "mostly okay but that he has no patience left", no really with me but "at all". His work days are longer, there are lots of unknowns.

His family too...His father is refusing to talk to him, problems with his sister, and brother. All this he brings to me, his nearest target.

He admits to being very lonely, with "no time to make friends". He says he doesn't have another life.

We then talked about how to make friends. Both of us aren't sure. I had some ideas and I'm more willing to try them it seems.

He's thinking about taking a week off of work and also thinking about seeing someone professionally in the next few months. I told him I can't wait that long and he said "well then you need to see someone professionally." :banghead: I'm unsure if he will actually do any of this. In the past he hasn't been good at this kind of self-care.

I see a pattern of not taking responsible for his actions. Hurting my feelings and not wanting to admit to it, no patience but being okay with taking angry out on me, waiting to seek help.

But I got him to talk to me. I don't know how much it helped but he talked to me.

 

[Nicolette]

But I got him to talk to me. I don't know how much it helped but he talked to me.

It's a step in the right direction :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hobbies we talked about too: He doesn't think I'm investing my money well. Even though it's my allowance. He still thinks he has a claim too it and will say things like "How much did this cost me?"

He thinks it's a culture thing that he doesn't think these relics mean anything/are worth anything to him. He doesn't think they are worth any money.

I'm very frustrated. I've tried including him even just with basic things because he will fight with me about it, inviting him along like my therapist suggested to the sites I enjoy the most to share with him but he complained a lot and it was miserable. Tonight he called my including and talking about my hobby 'forcing'.

I dropped the subject. I'm 'dropping' so many things it's bottling up and hurting.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

he tried to lock me in the car when I tried leave

He claims he didn't do this...He says I could get out on my side with my opener. Then why lock the door to being with when saying "No, stay in the car." ??

It all goes back to how it makes me feel and how it makes me feel about him. It freaks me out even if I can get out.

I'm so frustrated with his behavior.

 

[Nam]

"How much did this cost me?"

This concerns me a great deal. It's controlling. And maybe that's the crux of it. That's he's losing some of the control he once had. (Or what he thought he had.)

It might just be me and my own marriage coloring my opinion here. These previous arguments seemed "normal" to me for relationships in the early, but committed marriages, until he locked you in the car and the above quote. Both are controlling. One is a physical one. Controlling where you are. The other is controlling your money. Everyone does money differently when there is one income for two people. But a person that feels he has all the money and only gives you an allowance and then claims that it's his is not giving you any money at all.

 

[ms spock]

He also admitted that we are "mostly okay but that he has no patience left", no really with me but "at all". His work days are longer, there are lots of unknowns.

His family too...His father is refusing to talk to him, problems with his sister, and brother. All this he brings to me, his nearest target.

He admits to being very lonely, with "no time to make friends". He says he doesn't have another life.

I see a pattern of not taking responsible for his actions. Hurting my feelings and not wanting to admit to it, no patience but being okay with taking angry out on me, waiting to seek help.

I think you backing off and getting him to talk to you is a big step in a good direction @Ayesha.

There is a thing about going to university - some women in Australia leave their husbands when they study at university after a few years. The husbands choose not to adjust to the changes in their wives. It is a known phenomenon. This might have nothing to do with your situation, but it is something to bear in mind. Your husband might be overwhelmed by your growing assertiveness and self confidence.

Your husband has quite a lot of issues. You got him to talk about them with you and that is impressive.

So it depends if he is actually going to get help or just talk about it. It depends on quite a few things.

The main thing is to live your life as much as possible until you work out if he is just scared of losing you, if he is just going through a bad patch, if he is doing whatever he is doing.

Perhaps you could buy a punching bag in the apartment and put it up so he can take out his anger on the punching bag rather than you.

Also you mentioned sending him lots of cute cat videos and pictures, perhaps send him a couple each day at work, as he really did enjoy that. If he is a card orientated person you could write out some cards and put them in his brief case or around the house for him.

The locking you in the car, the threatening to call the police, and the controlling even your allowance is a worry.

One thing to think of is opening your own separate bank account and save even $5 per week so you start building up your own money separate from him.

There is much nuanced conversation in this thread, it is good to read.

 

[Tanishq]

He thinks it's a culture thing that he doesn't think these relics mean anything/are worth anything to him. He doesn't think they are worth any money.

:wideeyed: Ayesha, our culture doesn't say to tie (I mean to say that put lot of emotional pressure on oneself) a woman somewhere, in some corner, in some areas as men think. He needs to brush up his some facts. This is what I think. Sheesh! He sounds like a control freak man, when such people meet hard things in their lives they begin to control others lives' out of fear. They deep down fear that they will be left alone, so begin to make awkward decisions out of fear which leads them to even more failure.

I think he can't stand the way you give love to yourself. Is he afraid that he will lose your love when you start growing in your life? Isn't it true love grows when you grow?

I am well known to that fact, men not able to take the responsibility of their own deed or any consequences of their own deed. Deep down it makes me wonder why so much irresponsibility? Another kind of fear or desperation?

Locking you in car, such nerve from him. Disagree with him so many things.

Ayesha, reading all this things makes me think, he thinks and fears he is losing something. He must be doubtful about lot of things.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I don't know what to do either, I don't know what suggestions to offer you, but one thing I can assure you that he is having so many issues. He needs to do his own work, not make you work for him. Please know I support you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

So it depends if he is actually going to get help or just talk about it. It depends on quite a few things.

He wont really get help or take care of his diabetes. He goes and gets his blood sugar checked every few months and takes the medication, the doctor increases it but he wont really take care of it in the meantime. I'm not holding my breath.

One thing to think of is opening your own separate bank account and save even $5 per week so you
start building up your own money separate from him.

I hadn't thought of that. I should give that some thought. Being asked to leave the house and having no money was terrifying.

if he is just going through a bad patch

I would be more confident in this thought but...this behavior:

The locking you in the car, the threatening to call the police, and the controlling even your allowance is a worry.

is more long term. The above type of behavior as been going on awhile. It would be a very long bad patch. But I think...he is still a good guy under all that who needs therapy to work through things. My worry is though, being honest here, after all our arguments, is that he will lie to the therapist. But I guess after a few session truth will come out. If he keeps going...from our own therapy sessions he doesn't like to hear things and get criticism or have his thinking challenged and that will make him stop going.

But his therapy probably isn't my business.

he is just scared of losing you

Your husband might be overwhelmed by your growing assertiveness and self confidence.

It's interesting how these two keep coming up in so many replies. I agree with the first one. There have been a few times he has said it. And I can see the 2nd two. I spent much of our marriage sick and now I'm much better in my own way. I wish he was just happy for me but instead he seems more guarded and less understanding.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My husband saw a therapist once and then never went back. He didn't like what he said. Maybe the therapist was out of line or maybe my husband just didn't want to hear what he heard.

He often will say that we are 'very different'. Since my life is pretty simple I am not always sure what he means. Since couples are two different people I'm not sure what he is expecting. There are different points in our lives and that is expected; his work for example I can give feedback on some things but for the most part it's different for me because I don't have that kind of understanding.

He was never in a relationship with a woman before me and it can really show. I think we can get along really well but he seems to forget we are two different people? That sometimes we will have different interests, ways of thinking?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The allowance...This was mostly my idea.

I thought, wished, that if I was given an allowance that maybe he would stop bothering me about money. I wanted to be able to have some savings. Wanted to be able to save for things I wanted. Mostly to stop hearing about how much things costs or why did I buy this. Something that wasn't in our joint accounts.

Did it work? No. He will still ask how much things cost, how much he paid for something. He will still butt in; still think he has a say. It makes it sound like he clearly believes that all money he makes is his not ours. This is a problem because he doesn't, in many discussions, understand how his wording effects my understanding of his actions/intentions. I can see projecting coming in @Nam and also not taking responsibly.

He will start saying that I'm making things up in my head. I actually think he is trying to protect himself. I hope I'm not lying to myself about manipulation (I do see controlling) but I do see him pushing things on me a lot lately. He is more unreasonable then normal. His wording is worse.

He once yelled at me about money and then a few mins later I realized something. I walked into his study and asked him who is bothering him about money, is his family asking him for money? Turns out they were that they "always are". One of the reasons he was sent here was to make lots of money and then send it to India. His parents forget he has a home and family and still bother him about money, why isn't he sending lots of money...so he probably feels used?

 

[Valentino]

What if a big part of the communication problems is in very common differences in how men and women handle stress differently?

 

[joeylittle]

He once yelled at me about money and then a few mins later I realized something. I walked into his study and asked him who is bothering him about money, is his family asking him for money? Turns out they were that they "always are". One of the reasons he was sent here was to make lots of money and then send it to India. His parents forget he has a home and family and still bother him about money, why isn't he sending lots of money...so he probably feels used?

Related anecdote. I always kept my money separate from my partner; we weren't married, and I just didn't feel right about combining. He had lots of school debt, I had just gotten out of debt when we met. Anyway, I always paid for the "us" things, because I could afford them, and I didn't mind it. When we were working in different cities for awhile, my car died, and I needed another car. I was able to just buy a used car outright, without financing.

When I told him I had bought a car - he screamed at me on the phone for a good 10 minutes about how I had done something incredibly stupid to "our" finances. What if he needed help with his credit card debt? What if something happened? How were we going to take a vacation that year? It was so shocking. When I could finally get a word in, I told him that I still had plenty of savings (five figures' worth of savings) and I bought the car because ultimately, it's cheaper to not pay interest on a loan, if you can. Hello?

What was really going on was that he was in worse debt than I thought, and had borrowed money from his parents who were asking for it back. I knew nothing of any of this.

Money is a huge stressor. And it sounds like he has money issues/worries/anxiety that he doesn't handle well, at all. Him controlling your money isn't about you, per se; it's about him and his fear. But: if you're not OK with it, then it's not OK for you.

I absolutely agree that you should open your own account, so that you have an emergency fund of your own.

I'd also suggest you get a credit card; as low interest as you can get, and it doesn't need a high limit. Take your allowance, put it in your account, use your credit card, pay the bill. Unless you are doing this regularly you will not have a credit history. And your husband actually should, on some level, know the value of you having a solid credit history - it benefits you both. It also means that if you ever did need to get away for an evening, you have a way to do it.

I wish that he would go into couples' counseling with you. It sounds like you and he don't have many techniques for communication with each other, and I also don't think those things just happen by accident - they take work. (In other words, it doesn't mean your marriage is bad, it just means you both need to learn some skills).

And I wonder this: since your mental health is doing better - just as a thought exercise, if you were to give him the kind of support you wanted/needed from him during times of your illness - what would that look like? I'm not saying that's what's happening, or that you need to do that - but as an exercise in thinking it through from a new angle, it might give you some useful ideas.