I'm Being Dragged Down With Him

[ghotiff]

He once yelled at me about money and then a few mins later I realized something. I walked into his study and asked him who is bothering him about money, is his family asking him for money? Turns out they were that they "always are".

This cries projection to me. Maybe it's not in the clinical sense, but the theme is still taking out on you his own problems. Does realizing that these arguments are not about "you" help shield you from taking it in (ie personally)?

Take your allowance, put it in your account, use your credit card, pay the bill. Unless you are doing this regularly you will not have a credit history.

Very important suggestion. No rush, but a good idea.

Now you are feeling better maybe is there something you can do to help. For example bargain hunting for the basics. Then you could save the difference and use this for your hobbies, or give it back to him with a card explaining what you have done and that you appreciate is income. I'm just thinking if his family has high expectations of his income, maybe he needs compliments about it to off set their negativity? Men can be brought up to be very sensitive about how much they earn and thus need lots of praise to offset this.

During this thread you have been so open and have taken in so much information and used it constructively. I'm impressed.

 

[shell]

It was only as I got better, that I was prepared to admit to myself how controlling and verbally abusive my husband was to me and my son.

For so long I had lived in denial of the pattern of co-dependance I was living in, and how even though I was extremely upset about my husbands shouting, put downs and controlling behaviours I had always believed I was helpless to do anything about it, and ignored it.

When we start to not rely on our disfunctional patterns of relating sometimes the other partner feels threatened, and starts acting out even more as they aren't able to feel in control of us anymore. I also found as I started to feel angry at his behaviour I would lash out and struggle to set my new boundaries, not always in the most appropriate ways, and added to the conflict. Change can be destablising for any relationship, and can cause friction in any relationship as the dynamics change and the partner becomes threatened by not being needed in the same way.

Without doubt the change in dynamics between my partner and I has made him feel threatened, especially when I started to question not just my own behaviour but his as well. Communicating without blame, and telling him how I feel when he shouts, and criticizes has made a big difference, but it also is only fair to sit and listen to his side too, and realise I am also guilty of trying to control his behaviour.

We are each responsible for our behaviour, whether we allow others to treat us in a manner that is hurtful is entirely our fault, or whether we ourselves do the hurting but disregard it because it is just PTSD. I think it is important to acknowledge the support that I have received, but also to recognize that support may have been part of an overally disfunctional pattern of relating within our relationship, which I need to start changing if I am to continue to get better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Just a few thoughts....

People really hate it when others change. It seems like people fall into certain types of roles, and then they're always expected to fulfill that role. In your case it may be that you've always been the "sick" one and he's always had to take care of you. Now that you're doing better, he sees you as being more independent and this scares him, perhaps because he thinks he could lose you. Also, if you aren't in the role of needing (as much) support, then his role as supporter changes, too.

I've noticed this in other situations, too. Sometimes when someone becomes more assertive, they no longer fulfill the role of being the resident doormat. They go from being the "yes man" to someone who asserts their boundaries, and others simply balk! I could go on with a number of other examples, but I think you get the idea.

One thing that my parents used to do was set aside a certain amount of money each week (or pay period, or month, etc) for each person to do whatever they wanted with it. So, for example, you would get $100 a month and your husband would get $100 a month to spend as you please, and the other person cannot criticize whatever it is that you purchase. It is your money to do whatever you want with. You could buy $100 worth of bubble gum and the other person could not criticize your purchase, say it was frivolous, a waste of money, etc. This allows each person to have a sense of independence so that not every single purchase has to be a joint decision (and each person can still maintain a sense of autonomy), but sets a limit on how much can be spent without their being a joint decision. It worked for them, and I know it has worked for others. (Sadly, the marriage failed for other reasons though.)

I know that you said you have an interest in the civil war so is this an interest that you can foster independently of your husband? I know its good to have common interests with our SO's but its also good to have independent activities as well. I know that I love having my own interests, and to be honest, one of my favorite hobbies is something that I like doing by myself for the most part. I don't mind if someone occasionally does it with me, but its a "me" thing.

The part that really scares me is that your husband threatens the cops on you. This is a HUGE no-no for those with PTSD. I know how the cops treat the mentally ill, and I'm sure that you know, but for someone on the other side, they do not see how terrifying this is. All someone has to do is call the cops and tell them you're mentally ill and you will most likely be treated differently (worse), possibly taken in against your will, and everything you do will be seen as a result of your disorder. Years ago I went to family therapy and the therapist said point blank, do not threaten the cops on your daughter, EVER! Fortunately my family agreed and it never happened again. (I would get angry, scream at the top of my lungs, and throw things on the floor, but never hurt anyone.)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't mind if someone occasionally does it with me, but its a "me" thing.

That's how it normally works. I tried including him during one outing at the advice of my therapist, so maybe he would understand it better. Normally it's a 'me' thing.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I can see this out and help him through whatever he may be going through. I'm here. No plans of leaving.

I see hope during the day that sometimes I get through to him. That maybe when I'm extra patience that he notices that, even in the back of his mind. And then sometimes there are draw backs. I'm suddenly the supporter, though I'm not totally sure what I'm supporting or if I'm even wanted.

We went to the park today. Driving there he missed the exits many times. I just kept calm and tried to give him ways of getting back. Instead of focusing of that while driving to the other exits I would comment on the scenery. It was beautiful. I was trying to calm myself and my anxiety and let him know that it's okay that we aren't there right away. It wasn't a park we normally go too anyway so looking around was okay. I was worried he would lose patience but we made it just fine.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I got excited about something I was thinking about with my hobby, a theroy I had. Without really thinking about how he has reacted in the past I'm sharing with him.

I want a visit a local fort and I share my theory and explain part of the history of the fort. It surprised me that he wanted to come along, last time he complained a lot and it was miserable. I don't talk long. It's nice to share it. Sometimes I get so desperate to share with someone I'll share with my therapist. This makes me feel foolish and lonely.

He gets up while I'm talking says he's going to bed. Oh. But I'm talking I guess I should stop. He sits back down, listens but then takes out his phone and checks his email. He's done this in the past and I've been able to stop talking and he won't even notice.

If you take out him fussing I talked maybe 5 mintues? It's not that he's not interested its more like he sees it as pointless and wasteful.

 

[ms spock]

He once yelled at me about money and then a few mins later I realized something. I walked into his study and asked him who is bothering him about money, is his family asking him for money? Turns out they were that they "always are". One of the reasons he was sent here was to make lots of money and then send it to India. His parents forget he has a home and family and still bother him about money, why isn't he sending lots of money...so he probably feels used?

As his father is not talking to him at the moment, do you think that this might be because he is not sending "enough" money home?

I went out with an Indian woman, and I know an Indian thing is to think that you can have a say about whatever, and whenever someone in the family or extended family thinks, buys, puts on weight, loses weight or does anything. So how much of that is cultural I don't know. The interfering is meant to be a sign of caring and community - and sometimes is controlling. I know referring to movies is pretty lame but "Monsoon Wedding" - Ioved it for several reasons but it did remind me of some of the Indian people I have known. The constant conversation, questioning, pulling apart - it is a type of connectedness too. Not saying how he is behaving is okay, but different perspectives might assist you in unpacking the dynamics. Your husband is Indian Indian from my way of reading your diary. He is a very good man, that cares a lot - he just goes on and on and on sometimes- and that might be his way of having a connection to you.

He is also a husband that is completely annoying and exasperating at times, but you get that. Some of his behaviours are not okay. They do need to be addressed as well.

So if he was sent here to make lots of money and send it home, and he is getting pressured every day or every week for money, maybe his "comments" about money are away for him to mediate the constant and chronic stress he gets from his family? In that case he would need a really savvy Indian therapist that can help him pick apart the cultural nuances and pressures that he is under. You would really need to shop around for someone that could be there for him like that, but not someone that enforces those Indian cultural mores, because that could be destructive to him.

If he asks you about how much it cost him, you could ask him if he has received pressure from his family lately about sending money - in a supportive way, that you know how and I would have no idea as I don't know him, but I think you can get my gist there.

 

[ms spock]

If you take out him fussing I talked maybe 5 mintues? It's not that he's not interested its more like he sees it as pointless and wasteful.

Or has he never been allowed to have anything for himself, as he is the golden boy who will go to America and send lots of money home to the family? Could it be he was punished for taking time off from what his family expected him to be?

 

[Tanishq]

Sometimes I get so desperate to share with someone I'll share with my therapist. This makes me feel foolish and lonely.

It's neither foolish nor being lonely. It's normal to have desire to share the information you are thinking in your mind.

I do get desperate like that. It means you want to socialize. It's fine.

 

[ms spock]

I was thinking about you and your husband whilst I went walking for several hours today, and I was thinking back awhile ago when you and your husband were having a fight and he asked you if you had taken your medication and you told him off, I think you swore at him or something. At the time I didn't think that was a very helpful or supportive thing to say. But a little later on, you talked about the fact you hadn't been taking your medication and you had stuffed your medication up a lot, and there were serious consequences for you around this and you were unhappy about the time it took to get things right again. Could it be that he is not quite trusting that Ayesha is back yet? If you continue to take your medication regularly then maybe he will relax a bit more. When you are not "there" it would be most lonely indeed, especially as he has not even begun to learn the skills that you have acquired this year.

 

[ms spock]

I think your theories are good and interesting. Setting up a blog about your growing hobby of re enacting might help you get your needs met with people responding to you thoughts and theories.

 

[ms spock]

The part that really scares me is that your husband threatens the cops on you.

I don't know what would happen in America, but I don't think that anything would actually happen in Australia. A man calls the police and says my wife is mentally ill, the police would ask what is wrong and if he says she is annoying me or is driving me a bit crazy, the cops would laugh at him, say my wife does too, and do nothing. Ayesha has a legal right to be in the apartment. She is not beating her husband up. She is not threatening anyone. I don't even know if someone would even be sent out. Like, seriously, if the police even came because her husband lied and said she did X something. The police aren't going to blaze in there and take her away. The police would talk to Ayesha, who would explain we are having a fight over money, he has a lot of stress at work, his father isn't talking to him, I am worried that all the stresses are getting to them, then the police would try not to laugh and they would say some soothing things to Ayesha's husband and most likely exit stage left.

Even when horrendous physical abuse or domestic violence occurs the police will often not do anything if there is not enough evidence. So for a verbal domestic situation over a fight about money? I seriously call this one, as the husband feeling powerless over his wife's emotional changes, feeling scared she might leave him, he threatens the police. It is a last ditch attempt to pull her into line, a Hail Mary and seriously the cops have a lot more important things to do with their time. Even when a mentally ill person is really out of control in Australia, the police often don't do anything. If they do they go to Emergency and are discharged a short time later, on the whole.

The conversation could go like this:
Ayesha and husband argue.

Ayesha: argument, well crafted argument, logic, reason
Husband: argument, damn my smart wife she is annoying me with her logic, Okay "I will call the police on you!"
Ayesha: To tell them that arguing with your wife is annoying? I think that they already know that, but if you feel the need, go right ahead.
Husband: argument, damn my smart wife, not even sucked in by that one.

Can't really see it going anywhere. Couples arguing is pretty normal.