I'm Being Dragged Down With Him

[goingonhope]

If my husband would just let me in I would help him too if I could.

Hi Ayesha, Maybe your husband knows this and he would prefer waiting for you and your continuing belief in him, minus any goal to be of help to him or provide any education. He may have confidence in his own ability to manage himself and may be more open, appreciative and flexible when you're showing up as his equal and his wife.

This does apply to me in my relationship with my husband and may or may not be helpful to you.

 

[ms spock]

I'm suddenly the supporter, though I'm not totally sure what I'm supporting or if I'm even wanted.

We went to the park today. Driving there he missed the exits many times. I just kept calm and tried to give him ways of getting back. Instead of focusing of that while driving to the other exits I would comment on the scenery. It was beautiful. I was trying to calm myself and my anxiety and let him know that it's okay that we aren't there right away. It wasn't a park we normally go too anyway so looking around was okay. I was worried he would lose patience but we made it just fine.

That is great what you do grounding him by talking about the scenery.

I think that you as a supporter, are very much wanted. I think, and of course, as with every thing I say, it could be wrong, but I think he is pretty scared of losing you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm Ms Spock I have no idea why you're minimizing the cop angle given you have no experience with American cops. I do. Many are power hungry and biased against those who are of a different race or the mentally ill. Don't apply Australian culture to any other country.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

All the sons were sent aboard and are expected to send 'home' money. They all have families now.

As his father is not talking to him at the moment

It's actually about something different, not the money.There are many people in the family his father doesn't talk too. I think that's where my husband learned the behavior of drama/control/manipulation.

know an Indian thing is to think that you can have a say about whatever, and whenever someone in the family or extended family thinks, buys, puts on weight, loses weight or does anything. So how much of that is cultural I don't know. The interfering is meant to be a sign of caring and community - and sometimes is controlling....Your husband is Indian Indian from my way of reading your diary. He is a very good man, that cares a lot - he just goes on and on and on sometimes- and that might be his way of having a connection to you.

Yeah, from India. The above got my attention because of when my husband says how different we are. I think a lot of it is him pushing me away or expecting unrealistic things.

Or has he never been allowed to have anything for himself

This I agree with. He's terrible at self care. Terrible at 'allowing' himself time off. Almost 7 years with him and I swear it's like he feels he's not allowed it.

I'm not sure what to say about the police @Ms Spock and @Solara I don't want to get into an argument about police brutality and misunderstanding mental illness. It made me feel unsafe, my therapist knows and he didn't like it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Haven't talked about sex yet. I think I'll save it for my therapist. Husband wont even kiss me. I think there are many things going on here: From physical health to anxiety.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Could it be that he is not quite trusting that Ayesha is back yet?

It's possible. It's still leading back to my own growth too. I hated what happened last summer and I wonder how much growth/learning that caused.

There are still things that don't make sense. I don't think it's all me. I did some pretty dumbass things in the past but I don't think now is all me.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

So far so good today. He even showed a little affection this morning.

 

[ms spock]

Uhm Ms Spock I have no idea why you're minimizing the cop angle given you have no experience with American cops. I do. Many are power hungry and biased against those who are of a different race or the mentally ill. Don't apply Australian culture to any other country.

Fair enough Solara.

I did say it was from an Australian perspective. You are right I don't know about the American police situation. I was offering another way of thinking about it and managing it, as always Solara, take what you want from what I say, and know I mean well even if I don't get it.

It is @Ayesha's thread and you are more able to advise her accurately then I am able to. Point taken about race and mental health status. If no one tells me I don't know or learn. So thanks for offering your perspective.

I don't think now is all me.

I think that is an accurate assessment. However thinking about it in context may or may not be helpful. Just brainstorming. I don't know all the ins and outs. Some of your husband's behaviour is not acceptable, at all.

I'm not sure what to say about the police @Ms Spock and @Solara I don't want to get into an argument about police brutality and misunderstanding mental illness. It made me feel unsafe, my therapist knows and he didn't like it.

It would be inappropriate to debate it in your thread, due to my misunderstanding and general lack of knowledge. So I think that is a good idea. I will honour that.

 

[ms spock]

[/quote
All the sons were sent aboard and are expected to send 'home' money. They all have families now.

So they have a lot of pressure on them.

It's actually about something different, not the money.There are many people in the family his father doesn't talk too. I think that's where my husband learned the behavior of drama/control/manipulation.

There are many levels to this situation and his family dynamics. But discussing what different types of conversations mean from your American/German perspective to his American/Indian perspective might let you both understand the patterns of conversations and fights are about. Some communities/cultures fighting/arguing loudly is path of the course. For some quiet conversation is the course. A Greek Friend of mine yells loudly at her parents and siblings - they all love that terribly loud conversations (which to me seems to be a big fight!) So cultural difference is really something to look in to and cultural expectation.

Yeah, from India. The above got my attention because of when my husband says how different we are. I think a lot of it is him pushing me away or expecting unrealistic things.

Expecting you to be Indian in your approach to life, discussion, arguing, debate is not realistic. However if you can understand it - it might help. It might not and he might need to be sent to husband school so he can become a better husband. ;)

My Indian ex girlfriend's parents used to yell at each other in 5 languages! I thought they were fighting but no they were saying how good something was. It was disconcerting.

As always just my brain storming, I don't understand all the cultural nuances.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Held back today, just breathed and thought about how I need to learn more stress managing things.

He likes to correct. Correct behavior, correct actions. Today it was my driving and the way I put my purse in the truck of the car ( not that I put it there but where in the truck I put it)

By the time we get to the first grocery store even I know my face is tense. But it's all paying off; there have been no fights and that would be worse. Only one put down from him, said in total calm, saying "I'm doing nothing anyway" when I mention volueering again. Schools on vacation I tell him...

I'm doing nothing apparently.

Store he says I look distressed. No, only losing patience and still unsure how to handle those moments.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Today: Telling me not to go to one of my favorite places and to find somewhere closer. Like they are interchangeable?

Wouldn't think to much of this but of all the ways he says things like this which just makes him sound controlling. He wouldn't see it like that but it does sound controlling when you add all the similar things he does in the mix.

I remind him I find the place peaceful and tell him I'll start going when I'm done there for doctors appointments. Compromise? I remained calm, didn't lose my temper even though I love that place and felt a spike of anxiety and worry.

I must be getting better at this. I must have picked up some maturity off the ground somewhere.

 

[ms spock]

I must be getting better at this. I must have picked up some maturity off the ground somewhere.

You are doing really well Ayesha.