Relationship I'm Completely Lost

[thomas1991]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and I'd like to thank you in advance for reading my post, and for any advice you may have. I apologise for the length.

I shall start at the beginning, 3 and a half years ago I met the love of my life, we dated for about 6 months before I broke up with her due to going travelling and then university, as I believed a long distance relationship would be too painful. Skip forward a year at university and we find ourselves getting back together during my summer break, and we fell head over heels for eachother again. Around May last year she was diagnosed with Depression and started a course of anti-depressants. In September on the way home she was attacked by a group of men, but luckily passers by interrupted them before they could do what they really wanted to do. That night I was with friends, and made the single biggest mistake of my life that I regret everyday, in my drunken state I decided she was okay and I'd be alright to see her in the morning. This lead her to believing I didn't care, and in November she left me. We said our goodbyes and didn't speak again until she called me in February this year, we took it slow and in April began a new relationship. We both thought she was ready to forgive and try again. I finished university in June and due to my recommendations she started trying to get help (was having nightmares, flashbacks etc), I took her to the opening session as I wanted to prove how big a mistake I made not being there the night of the attack. She was diagnosed with PTSD, and after recounting old events, old feelings resurfaced and our relationship fell apart. I felt like I was putting in all the effort to save it, she agreed, and says she couldn't take hurting me anymore. Last weekend we broke up, I'm devastated because I had finished uni and was so ready to start a new exciting chapter of my life with her. Unfortunately we agreed she needs to focus on herself, and take the next step in her therapy (as there was nothing since the diagnosis).

I love this girl with all my heart, she's been my only girlfriend, and my only love (I'm 22) and I can't help but feel like I'm abandoning her to just deal with it herself. I am willing to do whatever it takes to help her through this, right now she wants space and I'm respecting it. But I find it so hard to help by not helping if that makes sense. She means everything to me and I want her to be happy.

Reading this forum since she was diagnosed, but only became a member when we broke up. I've realised she is exhibiting behaviours similar to many others experiences here. And put simply I just don't know what to do. Do I leave her to properly focus on herself for the next few months, or when we next get in contact do I show her how much I am committed to helping her through this and that I will always love her?

At the end of the day I wish with all that I am to be with her, I truly believe she is the one for me. But I wish, just that little bit more, for her to be happy, with me or not.

Thank you for your time[DOUBLEPOST=1406285380,1406285185][/DOUBLEPOST]Just an added note. I can't help but feel that right now I understand her condition more than she does

 

[Friday]

Just because you've broken up doesn't mean you can't be friends.

Try that, if that's something she's open to.

However, you could read until the cows come home... Be a specialist in the field... Guest lecturer teaching other professionals in the trauma field... And still not understand her condition more than she does. Understanding something academically is vastly different than living it.

 

[thomas1991]

Yeah I appreciate that, I meant in the sense of she's been diagnosed with PTSD and that's as much as she knows on the matter currently. I know I could never fully understand it, because that's something I battled with when she was diagnosed with depression. So I do accept I can never fully understand.

I will always be there for her, if it's a friend so be it. We are due to next talk on Sunday, I just don't know how to show her how committed I am to this

 

[KwanYingirl]

Ummm....it's gonna take a hell of a lot more than 'a few months' for her to process and move forward. If she opens up to you then proceed with caution. PTSD isn't like a cancer that can be cured with 6 months of chemo, it's like a cancer that comes a-call in' when you least expect it.

You'd think by being hypervigilant that we'd ward off all the sorrow in the Universe, but, alas, it is the jellyfish we missed in the dark, murky water that spins us out of control.

You're greatest gift to her would to be a 'Steady Eddie'. Just listen to the same old broken record over and over and just BE with her through it. The work of mastery is her work. You can be a safe hand to hold. A beacon shining through a storm.

Mastery will not be complete in a few months

 

[thomas1991]

You're right, I inow this will be a long road and I'm sorry if I implied everything would be okay in a few months.

I love this girl with everything I am and I want to do anything I can to help her, however small or large it is. So if being a "Steady Eddie" is what she needs, that's what I will be.

Thank you for your comment

 

[thomas1991]

UPDATE

I just met her now for the first time since we broke up last weekend, it's the first time we've spoken since.

I told her how I may not ever be able to fully understand but I will always support her, in whatever capacity she needs me. She said, probably quite rightly, that things are just to fresh right now for any form of contact as she is worried she will fall into the same routine again and we will just keep going round in circles. So for now it has again been left up to her for whatever our next step may be in terms of friendship.

On a positive note, the waiting list for treatment has been reduced and she starts not this Thursday but the one after, and will see the therapist once a week for six weeks. I am glad she has taken this step, and I hope it allows some clarity in her own situation. Patience is key in all of this, as gutted as I am to not be with her I will never push her to come back, but I will be there for her in whatever capacity it is she may need me.

I will always love this girl, she has been my first and only love. At the end of the day no matter how much I love her and want us to be together, I want her to get better just that little bit more.

Who knows what the future may hold for us, but a part of me will always believe in us ending up together.