lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
So, I've debated all day if I should post this and decided I did need a bit of advise about this. Im almost positive of the advise im gonna get but thought Id throw it out there...and have no choice but to post it here. It will be kinda long (will shorten it where I can).
So as some know, or at least have concluded, that I've been missing for a while. I decided that I needed (for me, nothing really to do w/ this site necessarly) that I needed a bit more rounded support for the moment as PTSD is just one of several diagnosis and BPD is about the most prominate one at the moment. I wont name the site (and I dont name this one there) as im not trying to advertise either way. But it is a site with about every mental disorder on it and its about 50 times bigger than here so has 10 bazillon MODs as well as other titled individuals. Not sure about here but MODs there are volunteers.
Anyway, I got stuck in my DBT workbook, chapter 2 starts out with finding a "safe place" real or imaginary & I couldnt seem to imagine a safe place (sitting on a fluffy cloud & my brain says "thats not possible" & I start falling through the sky, no room felt safe, a new world, not the one i dissociate to, & people show up & scare me out of it etc); Im an artist & have a very good imagination & this was frustrating that my brain seemed to want to scare me out of my attempted "safe place" so I posted about it. There's a DBT subgroup & so posted it there.
Two people talked to me back and forth but the most helpful was the MOD which is the one that gave me the phrase "take what you get". His point was take what I get and see where it takes me. Which my therapist agreed with. So after a few days of talking back & forth in the thread I started (or was able) to "paint" my safe place in my head "Bob Ross way". I was estatic that I found I could do this...and had decided that if people showed up, I was gonna gather all my internal courage and talk to them and see what they wanted.
So a few days later, the MOD messaged me about non-admin business. He wanted to help more with the processing and the DBT and help me more with "take what I get". For the first week or so I thought he was a she as he doesnt have his gender on his profile (which is odd as my brain here saw most as male which made sense b/c females terrify me; but there my brain had switched it on me and see most on there female; I dont know why yet).
Sorry this is coming out longer than intended.
When he once was saying about how he wanted to be "the perfect son" etc just sharing about himself (as ive left that open for him & neither of us ever judge each other) something clicked in me that I dont find abnormal at all for me and rather predictable. I started throwing slight flirtations to him, which he didnt much reply to, at first. Keep in mind as MODs here have trauma, as does he and he also has BPD; just further along.
Soon, after me appologizing a lot, he said that he thought my flirtations were sweet, and so as I always do, I quickly escalated that. But it feels a lot more than that. I started almost, but not quite, direct seductions. Not right out seductions but close. Still no suprise there to me.
Now all the while, he feels (and still does) like a safe person to me. Added to my therapist, he (in my mind space as i havent a clue what he looks like) is someone I started to think about at night to make me feel safe (mostly non-sexual or at least its always a non-sexual intent). My therapist had told me that due to my trauma it was natural for my brain to turn that automatically w/o meaning to into something sexual.
Then the other day he told me that my sorta direct seductions arroused him at times. Sorta did a bit of his own processing about that, about wanting someone's 'permission' to seduce or be seduced and then went on about possible boundries, him having them for the both of us and am i gonna see him as unsafe, if given an inch will i take a mile etc. So he did bring up boundries, not that we shouldnt, more of its ok as long as it doesnt get in the way of processing; and if it ever did we would work through that; likely being senstive to my always "you're gonna go away" statements.
But im very internally confused and conflicted because 1) obviously I know (or at least my rational side does) that this goes against boundries. 2) I know me, I am a 'child prostitute' and a lot of my brain still travels that path; mostly automatically. My therapist last week told me about scientific prove of when someone is effectively 'brainwashed' it changes the electrical impulses in the brain and thats why it takes certian "pathways" and circles in the same way (and why one self does cults rituals later long after leaving the cult) and to change it you counter it and the more that happens the eltectrical impulses changes and takes other "pathways". But i already know where i will take this.
** Side note, he has never written anything seductive to me in any way or even flirtatious, just let on he rather enjoyed what I was writting.
3)This feels VERY different to me than the "normal" seductions ive done many times in the past. I live on the far east coast US & he's on the far west coast, the likelyhood of us ever meeting is very unlikely but to me anyway, it feels rather like someone I want to date. I feel like my heart is aching when I cant talk to him (we write back & forth every day but he is a computer tech & 4 hrs ahead of me timezone wise) and today he hasnt be able to write yet (i saw him come online, he read my messages but then signed off. I already knew today & tomorrow he's gonna be busy) but im finding myself rather sad, very sad, when i cant talk to him. And the majority of our messages are not sexual, I just have this thing in my brain "must seduce for them to like me".
So now im horribly conflicted. I can see that he allowed me to cross a boundry, crossed one himself encouraging it but he hasnt written anything sexual himself but to tell me he was enjoying them, i can see crosses a boundry.
I could use him in my mindspace, my "safe space" and that maybe could make it feel safer to me; to have someone there that i feel safe with. But boundries were croseed.
I dont want to stop talking to him, that would break my heart, I think that would halt the progress ive made and its also an abandonment for me. Also he said that if it gets in the way of procressing, we can work that out. I do feel guilty about it but since we've been messaging I not only havent done "the dog thing" but I havent cut at all or 'punished' myself in any way; so I see thats good.
Ive also let him read my entire past (what i wrote in my first diary post here; copied and pasted it from my email); and the dream about the "dog thing" and he fully accepts ME, the ME inside myself...the real me. He doesnt judge me; and we process things around it all.
He was also in a cult before so he is one that can fully understand it.
And as much as I told him that I didnt want to turn "Im attracted to you" which he turns into "I admire you" into a process; Im starting to feel it is in some way. Maybe to figure out, with a distant safe person, why I "must come on to everyone" without the abilty of anything ever really happening. He also made it clear that I wont be getting his number (I didnt ask for it, just came up in convo).
Just getting a message from him makes me smile. He made me cry twice (which had never happened before, and for the first time i cried at work about the "dog dream" which was reality). I can see good things happening but I can see where i can run with this too and if I do and he accepts it...or if he doesnt and runs (what has always happened but he made it clear he wouldnt). Im just so conflicted. Am i processing or am I doing my normal thing of trying to seduce?
I have found where id try to seduce a bit, then appololize and back track myself...turning myself into a "monster" and he then turns that into a process. So i can see a lot of good in this. Is this a good way to investigate this maybe?
Sorry for this being so long. How does everyone else see this? I cant just stop talking to him but is this maybe a safer way to investigate this part of me or is this just poor boundries on both ends?
Im so conflicted!
So as some know, or at least have concluded, that I've been missing for a while. I decided that I needed (for me, nothing really to do w/ this site necessarly) that I needed a bit more rounded support for the moment as PTSD is just one of several diagnosis and BPD is about the most prominate one at the moment. I wont name the site (and I dont name this one there) as im not trying to advertise either way. But it is a site with about every mental disorder on it and its about 50 times bigger than here so has 10 bazillon MODs as well as other titled individuals. Not sure about here but MODs there are volunteers.
Anyway, I got stuck in my DBT workbook, chapter 2 starts out with finding a "safe place" real or imaginary & I couldnt seem to imagine a safe place (sitting on a fluffy cloud & my brain says "thats not possible" & I start falling through the sky, no room felt safe, a new world, not the one i dissociate to, & people show up & scare me out of it etc); Im an artist & have a very good imagination & this was frustrating that my brain seemed to want to scare me out of my attempted "safe place" so I posted about it. There's a DBT subgroup & so posted it there.
Two people talked to me back and forth but the most helpful was the MOD which is the one that gave me the phrase "take what you get". His point was take what I get and see where it takes me. Which my therapist agreed with. So after a few days of talking back & forth in the thread I started (or was able) to "paint" my safe place in my head "Bob Ross way". I was estatic that I found I could do this...and had decided that if people showed up, I was gonna gather all my internal courage and talk to them and see what they wanted.
So a few days later, the MOD messaged me about non-admin business. He wanted to help more with the processing and the DBT and help me more with "take what I get". For the first week or so I thought he was a she as he doesnt have his gender on his profile (which is odd as my brain here saw most as male which made sense b/c females terrify me; but there my brain had switched it on me and see most on there female; I dont know why yet).
Sorry this is coming out longer than intended.
When he once was saying about how he wanted to be "the perfect son" etc just sharing about himself (as ive left that open for him & neither of us ever judge each other) something clicked in me that I dont find abnormal at all for me and rather predictable. I started throwing slight flirtations to him, which he didnt much reply to, at first. Keep in mind as MODs here have trauma, as does he and he also has BPD; just further along.
Soon, after me appologizing a lot, he said that he thought my flirtations were sweet, and so as I always do, I quickly escalated that. But it feels a lot more than that. I started almost, but not quite, direct seductions. Not right out seductions but close. Still no suprise there to me.
Now all the while, he feels (and still does) like a safe person to me. Added to my therapist, he (in my mind space as i havent a clue what he looks like) is someone I started to think about at night to make me feel safe (mostly non-sexual or at least its always a non-sexual intent). My therapist had told me that due to my trauma it was natural for my brain to turn that automatically w/o meaning to into something sexual.
Then the other day he told me that my sorta direct seductions arroused him at times. Sorta did a bit of his own processing about that, about wanting someone's 'permission' to seduce or be seduced and then went on about possible boundries, him having them for the both of us and am i gonna see him as unsafe, if given an inch will i take a mile etc. So he did bring up boundries, not that we shouldnt, more of its ok as long as it doesnt get in the way of processing; and if it ever did we would work through that; likely being senstive to my always "you're gonna go away" statements.
But im very internally confused and conflicted because 1) obviously I know (or at least my rational side does) that this goes against boundries. 2) I know me, I am a 'child prostitute' and a lot of my brain still travels that path; mostly automatically. My therapist last week told me about scientific prove of when someone is effectively 'brainwashed' it changes the electrical impulses in the brain and thats why it takes certian "pathways" and circles in the same way (and why one self does cults rituals later long after leaving the cult) and to change it you counter it and the more that happens the eltectrical impulses changes and takes other "pathways". But i already know where i will take this.
** Side note, he has never written anything seductive to me in any way or even flirtatious, just let on he rather enjoyed what I was writting.
3)This feels VERY different to me than the "normal" seductions ive done many times in the past. I live on the far east coast US & he's on the far west coast, the likelyhood of us ever meeting is very unlikely but to me anyway, it feels rather like someone I want to date. I feel like my heart is aching when I cant talk to him (we write back & forth every day but he is a computer tech & 4 hrs ahead of me timezone wise) and today he hasnt be able to write yet (i saw him come online, he read my messages but then signed off. I already knew today & tomorrow he's gonna be busy) but im finding myself rather sad, very sad, when i cant talk to him. And the majority of our messages are not sexual, I just have this thing in my brain "must seduce for them to like me".
So now im horribly conflicted. I can see that he allowed me to cross a boundry, crossed one himself encouraging it but he hasnt written anything sexual himself but to tell me he was enjoying them, i can see crosses a boundry.
I could use him in my mindspace, my "safe space" and that maybe could make it feel safer to me; to have someone there that i feel safe with. But boundries were croseed.
I dont want to stop talking to him, that would break my heart, I think that would halt the progress ive made and its also an abandonment for me. Also he said that if it gets in the way of procressing, we can work that out. I do feel guilty about it but since we've been messaging I not only havent done "the dog thing" but I havent cut at all or 'punished' myself in any way; so I see thats good.
Ive also let him read my entire past (what i wrote in my first diary post here; copied and pasted it from my email); and the dream about the "dog thing" and he fully accepts ME, the ME inside myself...the real me. He doesnt judge me; and we process things around it all.
He was also in a cult before so he is one that can fully understand it.
And as much as I told him that I didnt want to turn "Im attracted to you" which he turns into "I admire you" into a process; Im starting to feel it is in some way. Maybe to figure out, with a distant safe person, why I "must come on to everyone" without the abilty of anything ever really happening. He also made it clear that I wont be getting his number (I didnt ask for it, just came up in convo).
Just getting a message from him makes me smile. He made me cry twice (which had never happened before, and for the first time i cried at work about the "dog dream" which was reality). I can see good things happening but I can see where i can run with this too and if I do and he accepts it...or if he doesnt and runs (what has always happened but he made it clear he wouldnt). Im just so conflicted. Am i processing or am I doing my normal thing of trying to seduce?
I have found where id try to seduce a bit, then appololize and back track myself...turning myself into a "monster" and he then turns that into a process. So i can see a lot of good in this. Is this a good way to investigate this maybe?
Sorry for this being so long. How does everyone else see this? I cant just stop talking to him but is this maybe a safer way to investigate this part of me or is this just poor boundries on both ends?
Im so conflicted!
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