Okay... so I've been doing GREAT on an individual level lately... almost 6 months and going strong where the up and down roller coaster hasn't been kicking my ass.... just been on the upward slope and it' been wonderful and freeing. I've weened myself away from the hold that my guy (who is a PTSD sufferer) has had on me because I recognized how unhealthy we have been for each other. The relationship is so undefined -- best friends, friends who have feelings for one another, friends with benefits, talking all of the time, not talking at all, being excited about seeing each other, avoiding each other, pulling each other in, pushing each other away, being happy, being hurt, forgiving, not forgiving, etc. We both have our issues -- who doesn't really? But this back and forth and up and down and being in my life or not being in my life. Gosh... it's exhausting just thinking back on it.
I don't know where the shift happened... but it did. I think I might go through phases because generally speaking, I am an incredibly strong woman. I can honestly say that he is the one and only person in my life who has the ability to break me down which is both beautiful and horrendous... and PTSD just makes this cycle of emotions even more heightened and it complicates things so much more even when I feel like I have learned to navigate it so well.
Anyway -- like I said, I've been doing great -- not falling into the cycle... showing my strength... I'm smiling so much more -- feel back to myself -- I am making positive shifts... it's wonderful. I'm barely talking to him, our social media connections have been severed by his choice and when I see his family in town, I feel the distance/awkwardness between us. It's just not that same -- and for once -- that isn't alarming to me. I've been down that road before and I felt like my world was crumbling down around me -- but being in this place of strength & confidence, and even though it hurts my feelings some (I'm human!), those small things don't throw me off like they once would have.
And then this morning, I get a one word text... "Hi" -- and that's all it took today... Feelings just FLOOD my body... HE is reaching out to ME. I didn't initiate anything. I'm elated!!!! My mind swirls... it's wild the thoughts that take place in such a short amount of time about how he's finally back, how I've missed him, how we can get back to how things used to be, how he must be doing better, etc, etc.
And then I see the red dot on my computer monitor that reminds me to "stop, breathe, just be." So I do... I stop, take a breath, find myself in the present moment.... bringing it back in, slowing my thoughts. And then I decide I need to write here... to bring some true prospective to this situation... reach out... express myself... see this for what it truly is.
I don't know where the shift happened... but it did. I think I might go through phases because generally speaking, I am an incredibly strong woman. I can honestly say that he is the one and only person in my life who has the ability to break me down which is both beautiful and horrendous... and PTSD just makes this cycle of emotions even more heightened and it complicates things so much more even when I feel like I have learned to navigate it so well.
Anyway -- like I said, I've been doing great -- not falling into the cycle... showing my strength... I'm smiling so much more -- feel back to myself -- I am making positive shifts... it's wonderful. I'm barely talking to him, our social media connections have been severed by his choice and when I see his family in town, I feel the distance/awkwardness between us. It's just not that same -- and for once -- that isn't alarming to me. I've been down that road before and I felt like my world was crumbling down around me -- but being in this place of strength & confidence, and even though it hurts my feelings some (I'm human!), those small things don't throw me off like they once would have.
And then this morning, I get a one word text... "Hi" -- and that's all it took today... Feelings just FLOOD my body... HE is reaching out to ME. I didn't initiate anything. I'm elated!!!! My mind swirls... it's wild the thoughts that take place in such a short amount of time about how he's finally back, how I've missed him, how we can get back to how things used to be, how he must be doing better, etc, etc.
And then I see the red dot on my computer monitor that reminds me to "stop, breathe, just be." So I do... I stop, take a breath, find myself in the present moment.... bringing it back in, slowing my thoughts. And then I decide I need to write here... to bring some true prospective to this situation... reach out... express myself... see this for what it truly is.
