I'm Guessing This Is Just A Symptom-what I See Is One Scar After Another

[Srain]

I went to take a bath this morning, which is always a major project because I have to LOOK at myself and that begins the journey of unreality and trauma, I'm guessing, I don't know for sure sometimes. I must go through anxiety or something because I begin immediately to worry over should I or should I not wash my hair blah blah blah, running back and forth trying not to look in the mirror but then it happens...I catch sight and poof! it's like a fun house mirror I get mesmerized in horror by what I see. I see scars on my feet from a surgery and scars on top of those on up my legs to knife cuts to razor slashes to more surgery scars to tattoos to more knife marks to bones jabbing out to ugliness to fat to OMG!! I want to scream!!!

What is this???

I understand that I go through this. I understand that I had an issue this morning but when I mentioned something about it this morning my husband said I don't look that and he is tired of telling me this. It hit me I must say this ALL the time out loud, that it makes people sick of me. I am working very hard in therapy, I feel like I am getting somewhere but right now I'm feeling it's not fast enough and that maybe in this area it will never change. Every time I take a bath I will always risk going through this, maybe not every time, because I don't, but it's always a risk. I'm not a youngster by any stretch so it's not going to get any better as far as looking better, so it's about feeling better about myself. I have body Dysmorphic Disorder. Does anyone else deal with this at the moment?

 

[cherryblossom]

I am working very hard in therapy, I feel like I am getting somewhere but right now I'm feeling it's not fast enough and that maybe in this area it will never change.

Never say never!! We just don't know how much therapy may improve things for us. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, by realising your issues, and working hard in therapy. I'm sure you're not the only one who has felt that therapy isn't 'working' fast enough - I know I have. The important thing is not to give up ;)

 

[Srain]

Thank you Cherryblossom. I had severe pelvic pains later in the day so it seems to be symptoms popping out of me all over. This morning, a pounding headache, it's like lining 'em up and ticking off one by one right now, at the same time I'm fighting back and continuing to push on with what I know I've improved at. You are so right and I do need reminding that it may not be forever and if I expect change elsewhere why not here too?? Odd, how I don't see this area the same. I'll have to think about that.

hugs,
Rain.

 

[Powder]

Have you found scars that you don't remember when they happened or how? That happened to me. I have one on my abdomen but don't remember ever seeing it there before and I'm 34. Has it been there my whole life, and I just now see it? What caused it???? I think PTSD makes us sensitive to this type of panic and vigilance about our bodies. I call it freaking out about things. ;) Thank you for bringing up this topic. I haven't seen it come up yet. But it's real.
My sister got tatoos and then had them lazered off. She has PTSD also. I do think it is a real part of PTSD.

 

[Srain]

That's interesting Muse, I haven't thought about it before. I am finding scars I haven't noticed before, scars on my head, where I've been beat up that I really did think never showed but I spent literally years in full on make up, which recently a very good, long known friend of mine busted me on. I had sent him a picture where I was not wearing much of any, very rare for me but I was in the midst of grieving, however I had just gotten my new doggie and wanted to show him so I was not aware at the time. I saw the scars I use to joke about.I have only recently kind of looked at. One looks like Frankinstein! I can't actually remember all of them but it's coming back.

As for the scars of my own...I have tattoos too, the ones from so many years ago that were full on "see you later" attempts, I did cover unconsciously with the name of a loved one and some stars. I have some words and cuts I thought would go away that were done in frenzies when I was not all there, those I only vaguely remember, I couldn't seem to stop myself. Those are deepest and are from my knees to arms with words, I don't look too often.

What's odd is my tattoos are all on my left side, as a teen I was piercing myself all on the right and a few on my left. I only had one friend pierce my nose but I insisted on 2 holes. I have a VERY small nose so I had to keep getting custom made nose rings, since I kept losing them time and again I have canned that notion long ago, too spendy and just tattooed, cheaper ;).