I'm Just So Dam Sad

[Grama-Herc]

Saw lots of different titles as I scrolled down the lists of threads and I guess any one of them would apply to me and how I am feeling, but I'm just so tired of being sad. I have no reason to be sad. I really don't. I am fine. Mom is fine. Kid is fine. Grandbaby is fine.

Those are the lies I telll myself. Mother is not fine, I know it, she denies it and I can't fix her or stop her aging difficulties. My daughter has stopped all contect with me since her visit and I don't know why. Even asked and I got '''1''' email calling me silly and claiming to be busy, yet I see her on her facebook page all the time---when I am on line too but she won't click on to chat and if I do, she logs off. As I read more of her writings/opinions/thoughts/responses on her page I see problems creeping into her life as a result of her childhood with me, can't change it and can't stop it. My daughter's issues are creating problems for my granddaughter and can't change or stop that either.

So guess I do have reason to be sad, depressed, on the verge of tears and just plan physically and emotionally numb. I've been trying to get myself moving and carring about something---just not happeneing. But then, this could just be the down side of my bipolar issue. Didn't think about that. I have been rather manic lately with my cleaning and throwing crap away. I've also got a h/a that will not go completely away

I just want to crawl under the bed and let the world go on without my energy. I'm saving it all for survival

 

[AdamAnt]

I have no answers Herc, but know that I'm thinking about you and wishing better thoughts for you....

 

[Grama-Herc]

Thanx Adam, you are so sweet. I must say however, I just went down stairs and mother is awake, up, dressed, she fed herself and is in her recliner watching her normal Saturday TV----College Football games.

I have been having trouble accepting her decline. I feel she is not trying and her issues could be handled with some physical therapy. She throws her Post Polio Syndrome up at me and says she knows her body and what is best. Well, I called her bluff and got the doctor to order a PT home visit for accessment. She has been poked and prodded and the official trained opinion is ------She Needs PT to strength her back and core muscles. Pissed her off real good and you would be proud of me, I only said "I told you so" one time.

So now that she knows she is going to those "people" in here again(she doesn't much care for the PT) she is suddenly doing all kinds of things she could not do before. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ that is the sound of me making a long deserved sigh of relief.

 

[Iam]

That is good new Grama-Herc ;o) Sound like the push you gave your mom was much needed and successful! It is hard watching our parents age. My mother in-law did everything she could to maintain her independence and it was so sad when we had to take it away from her. Though we ded get to move her close by so we could see her everyday ;o)

As I read more of her writings/opinions/thoughts/responses on her page I see problems creeping into her life as a result of her childhood with me, can't change it and can't stop it. My daughter's issues are creating problems for my granddaughter and can't change or stop that either.

I know right where you are at with your daughter and granddaughter. My son, though we do see his family all the time so that is different, has problems because of my PTSD and I see him passing on some of what was done to me to his daughters. It kills me to see it. I want to step in and shield my granddaughters. I could go on about all of it, but you understand and I just want you to know that I understand the pain you are in. I am sorry. It ultimately is out of our control. Harder for you I know because you can't even talk with your daughter about it. Maybe write a letter to her? IDK....just a thought. I am sure that she loves her daughter just as much as you love her and does not want to hurt her. Maybe that would be enough for her to take a look at herself, you know, just so that she can do her best by her own little girl.....

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Grama-Herc, as a primary care-giver personally and professionally, I think it's ok- mandatory, actually- to recognize that you need and give yourself self-care too, you have to really in some way to recharge "you", because otherwise I find it overwhelming, depressing, exhausting and frustrating.

No matter how your family members act, they are (all) very lucky to have you there, but please don't turn it inward on yourself. I hope you get some peace and relief.

 

[LSNP]

GH - You sound like me. I don't know how to snap out of this all-encompassing depression and sadness. I have socially withdrawn from everybody, have not social life, still miss my marriage, am stuck. I feel just plain stuck. You're not alone.