ReceiverOfWisdom
New Here
Let me start off by saying I have been far from any image of an ideal partner. I'm clingy, needy, I dissociate, I tell self-deprecating jokes to cope with my lack of will to live.
I noticed her gradually getting more and more distant, and when I finally asked about it, she exploded in a wall of text involving everything about me and my robotic self.
I had no clue I was doing half of the things she said. No idea she felt this way.
I was using my mental illnesses against her, she told me it felt like a constant pity party around me. Everything was about me and how I'm affected, and she had to shove everything she felt aside, because I would just shove more in her face. I take any chance I can get to bring up my problems.
Some dude was flirting with me, and I never took him seriously, so I always blew him off but she read through my messages and was absolutely livid because he was flirting and I was brushing it off and complaining to him about how she doesn't want me near her friends because I ruin everything with my dumb ass panic attacks and my total inability to behave like a normal human being. She claimed to have broken up with someone because they didn't tell another person to stop flirting. She's told me she has jealousy issues and I thought nothing of it.
The last straw was my pursuit of drugs. I had been texting a couple friends requesting acid or shrooms, to escape from reality for a little bit. I stopped my pursuit because I realized I was going down a dangerous path.
She claims I self diagnose when everything I have has been diagnosed by multiple professionals. Anything I look up I'm speculating on. I want to figure myself out. In all the years of abuse and neglect I've only sought help in the last year and a half. I have no support system aside from one friend and a grandmother who I rarely talk to. I'm lost and everything hurts and I know I shove it in her face but I really wish she would understand.
She looked through my phone because I get a look of horror when she does. I'm severely paranoid. I could just have pictures of my pets on my phone and a skype convo about videogames and she'd get the same reaction but of course she wouldn't believe that.
She says she feels more like the mother in the relationship than the girlfriend.
She said this has all made her lose feelings for me, since I'm stressing her out constantly. She also claims to randomly lose feelings for people. And that terrifies me. I thought I met someone who could help me. I've put a lot into trying to rebuild a life with her. She's the first person I've ever moved out with. I'm on my own now. No parent's, one friend several states away. I'm dependent on her both financially and emotionally.
She doesn't know what to do about it, or if she can handle it. At some point I made a joke that I wouldn't even be alive without her, and she took it very literally, and claimed I had threatened her with suicide if she left me, and that made me feel absolutely god awful. I'm so used to making those jokes with my friends and she didn't say a word. She's been holding all of this in and it's coming out like a broken dam and I'm a tiny bridge.
Things have changed, and I'm terrified, because I feel pain and loneliness and I think she's my first love. I've been in so many abusive relationships and now I'm abusive. It's absolute irony.
All these years I've tried my best not to be my father and I'm just edging closer and closer to being his prodigy.
My chest hurts, I'm desperate for reassurance, desperate for her to love me. I offered to buy her things and pushed her away even more, because she thought I was trying to buy her.
I was seeing a counselor but she kicked me out of her sessions for playing on my phone because I got overwhelmingly uncomfortable. I'm on the search for a better one.
But my time is running out. And she says we might have a chance if I put in a lot of work but I feel like I've already lost her and she makes me feel like absolute shit for having these shitty ass symptoms.
I just want patience and help. But the damage I've done and the way I've behaved has made everything irreparable.
I noticed her gradually getting more and more distant, and when I finally asked about it, she exploded in a wall of text involving everything about me and my robotic self.
I had no clue I was doing half of the things she said. No idea she felt this way.
I was using my mental illnesses against her, she told me it felt like a constant pity party around me. Everything was about me and how I'm affected, and she had to shove everything she felt aside, because I would just shove more in her face. I take any chance I can get to bring up my problems.
Some dude was flirting with me, and I never took him seriously, so I always blew him off but she read through my messages and was absolutely livid because he was flirting and I was brushing it off and complaining to him about how she doesn't want me near her friends because I ruin everything with my dumb ass panic attacks and my total inability to behave like a normal human being. She claimed to have broken up with someone because they didn't tell another person to stop flirting. She's told me she has jealousy issues and I thought nothing of it.
The last straw was my pursuit of drugs. I had been texting a couple friends requesting acid or shrooms, to escape from reality for a little bit. I stopped my pursuit because I realized I was going down a dangerous path.
She claims I self diagnose when everything I have has been diagnosed by multiple professionals. Anything I look up I'm speculating on. I want to figure myself out. In all the years of abuse and neglect I've only sought help in the last year and a half. I have no support system aside from one friend and a grandmother who I rarely talk to. I'm lost and everything hurts and I know I shove it in her face but I really wish she would understand.
She looked through my phone because I get a look of horror when she does. I'm severely paranoid. I could just have pictures of my pets on my phone and a skype convo about videogames and she'd get the same reaction but of course she wouldn't believe that.
She says she feels more like the mother in the relationship than the girlfriend.
She said this has all made her lose feelings for me, since I'm stressing her out constantly. She also claims to randomly lose feelings for people. And that terrifies me. I thought I met someone who could help me. I've put a lot into trying to rebuild a life with her. She's the first person I've ever moved out with. I'm on my own now. No parent's, one friend several states away. I'm dependent on her both financially and emotionally.
She doesn't know what to do about it, or if she can handle it. At some point I made a joke that I wouldn't even be alive without her, and she took it very literally, and claimed I had threatened her with suicide if she left me, and that made me feel absolutely god awful. I'm so used to making those jokes with my friends and she didn't say a word. She's been holding all of this in and it's coming out like a broken dam and I'm a tiny bridge.
Things have changed, and I'm terrified, because I feel pain and loneliness and I think she's my first love. I've been in so many abusive relationships and now I'm abusive. It's absolute irony.
All these years I've tried my best not to be my father and I'm just edging closer and closer to being his prodigy.
My chest hurts, I'm desperate for reassurance, desperate for her to love me. I offered to buy her things and pushed her away even more, because she thought I was trying to buy her.
I was seeing a counselor but she kicked me out of her sessions for playing on my phone because I got overwhelmingly uncomfortable. I'm on the search for a better one.
But my time is running out. And she says we might have a chance if I put in a lot of work but I feel like I've already lost her and she makes me feel like absolute shit for having these shitty ass symptoms.
I just want patience and help. But the damage I've done and the way I've behaved has made everything irreparable.
