cheymander
New Here
I had blurred ideas of my childhood. I always thought my dad was the "good" one. I always considered him not abusive, just not available. So to me, that made him good.
It was from recent work with my T and talks with my husband that I started unraveling the truth of how emotionally neglectful he's been to me. I started having memories coming up (not full-on flashbacks, more like emotional flashbacks) of how often he just made me feel like shit. He was, honestly, obviously, just an enabler.
This isn't the first time I've struggled with painting someone from my past in a good light just to later realize they're also part of my trauma. But I've come to realize my whole family had a part in my abuse, whether straightforwardly or not.
My abusive mother died a few years ago. I didn't grieve. I didn't feel bad for not letting her in my life for five years before she died. I only felt relief. The world felt a little bit safer. I almost didn't believe it and that's the only reason I even went to the funeral. I had to make sure it wasn't just another lie.
Afterward, I saw an opportunity to rebuild a relationship with my dad. I started visiting daily for a while, then weekly. I was locked in around him. The effects of the emotional neglect were clear but I still didn't see them. My husband did all the talking, I couldn't bring myself to say a word to him because of the overwhelming fear of judgment and shame. Eventually, I stopped putting in the effort and it was clear that I was the only one trying. As soon as I stopped, he never started.
He got remarried almost immediately. My grandfather was the one to tell me about the wedding and invite me. My dad never talked to me about it. This stands out to me because right now I'm pregnant. Recently, my dad (who at this point hasn't spoken to me in over a year) got passive-aggressive in a text, asking if I was pregnant. I told him "yes", but he never answered me. No congratulations. The hypocrisy is clear and I'm pissed at the treatment.
Then, a little later, my husband had a talk with him. A very one sided talk. My husband was trying to explain that my mother had lied and hid stuff from him while secretly abusing me while he was at work. He indirectly called me a liar and refused to believe she did the things she did. I've had years of flashbacks about these events. Some things happened when I was young but the worst of it happened when I was a teenager. Some of it, it's impossible for me to believe he didn't know at least a little bit. Like how I was shoved into my room with nothing and socially isolated from the world for two years. He was there for that, but sees nothing wrong with it? The damage that has done to my psyche is debilitating.
I was sixteen when my school counselor saw the cuts on my arms. My mom pulled me out of school. She panicked because every one was talking about putting me in foster care. She had me evaluated at a mental hospital. She told them things about me that were not true. I got kept there for two hellish weeks. Once I was out, on one of her manic days, she threw a razor at me and told me to kill myself. Everything that happened after that is some of the most traumatic experiences. I still can't fully talk about it all. She moved me an hour away from every one I knew. Wouldn't let me get a job, or go anywhere, I didn't have a phone or even a tv. There were three people in my life at this time and they were my abusers. For two years, that was my life. The evidence is irrefutable.
He stonewalled. He refused to answer anymore. I'm so mad at him. And I feel so stupid for even trying. The things he claims I'm lying about are documented in my medical records. He can't gaslight me when I have the physical proof. I was psychologically and physically and verbally abused by his wife for 18 years and all the "proof" I need is in my inability to function and the diagnoses I've been given. I'm so stupid for trying to get answers from him.
This has been a mess of a post and I'm sorry for that. I'm just upset and I needed to talk to someone. This all happened a few days ago and it's been overwhelming me with anger and betrayal. And abandonment. My next appointment is in a few days but I needed to get this out so I can last until then.
My mother spent years trying to crush my credibility once I started telling people about who she really was. I will not be silenced. The truth is she was an abusive piece of shit and he's nothing more than an enabler of child abuse and neglect.
It was from recent work with my T and talks with my husband that I started unraveling the truth of how emotionally neglectful he's been to me. I started having memories coming up (not full-on flashbacks, more like emotional flashbacks) of how often he just made me feel like shit. He was, honestly, obviously, just an enabler.
This isn't the first time I've struggled with painting someone from my past in a good light just to later realize they're also part of my trauma. But I've come to realize my whole family had a part in my abuse, whether straightforwardly or not.
My abusive mother died a few years ago. I didn't grieve. I didn't feel bad for not letting her in my life for five years before she died. I only felt relief. The world felt a little bit safer. I almost didn't believe it and that's the only reason I even went to the funeral. I had to make sure it wasn't just another lie.
Afterward, I saw an opportunity to rebuild a relationship with my dad. I started visiting daily for a while, then weekly. I was locked in around him. The effects of the emotional neglect were clear but I still didn't see them. My husband did all the talking, I couldn't bring myself to say a word to him because of the overwhelming fear of judgment and shame. Eventually, I stopped putting in the effort and it was clear that I was the only one trying. As soon as I stopped, he never started.
He got remarried almost immediately. My grandfather was the one to tell me about the wedding and invite me. My dad never talked to me about it. This stands out to me because right now I'm pregnant. Recently, my dad (who at this point hasn't spoken to me in over a year) got passive-aggressive in a text, asking if I was pregnant. I told him "yes", but he never answered me. No congratulations. The hypocrisy is clear and I'm pissed at the treatment.
Then, a little later, my husband had a talk with him. A very one sided talk. My husband was trying to explain that my mother had lied and hid stuff from him while secretly abusing me while he was at work. He indirectly called me a liar and refused to believe she did the things she did. I've had years of flashbacks about these events. Some things happened when I was young but the worst of it happened when I was a teenager. Some of it, it's impossible for me to believe he didn't know at least a little bit. Like how I was shoved into my room with nothing and socially isolated from the world for two years. He was there for that, but sees nothing wrong with it? The damage that has done to my psyche is debilitating.
I was sixteen when my school counselor saw the cuts on my arms. My mom pulled me out of school. She panicked because every one was talking about putting me in foster care. She had me evaluated at a mental hospital. She told them things about me that were not true. I got kept there for two hellish weeks. Once I was out, on one of her manic days, she threw a razor at me and told me to kill myself. Everything that happened after that is some of the most traumatic experiences. I still can't fully talk about it all. She moved me an hour away from every one I knew. Wouldn't let me get a job, or go anywhere, I didn't have a phone or even a tv. There were three people in my life at this time and they were my abusers. For two years, that was my life. The evidence is irrefutable.
He stonewalled. He refused to answer anymore. I'm so mad at him. And I feel so stupid for even trying. The things he claims I'm lying about are documented in my medical records. He can't gaslight me when I have the physical proof. I was psychologically and physically and verbally abused by his wife for 18 years and all the "proof" I need is in my inability to function and the diagnoses I've been given. I'm so stupid for trying to get answers from him.
This has been a mess of a post and I'm sorry for that. I'm just upset and I needed to talk to someone. This all happened a few days ago and it's been overwhelming me with anger and betrayal. And abandonment. My next appointment is in a few days but I needed to get this out so I can last until then.
My mother spent years trying to crush my credibility once I started telling people about who she really was. I will not be silenced. The truth is she was an abusive piece of shit and he's nothing more than an enabler of child abuse and neglect.
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