I'm Lost, Totally Lost and Don't Know Where To Turn.

[batgirl]

My suggestion to people who are sensative, vunerable, or having a difficult time dealing with their own emotional problems may want to just skip this thread and move along.

I don't think you need to make disclaimers about what you're writing or warn people and so on. We're all adults here. People don't have to read everything. At least that's my opinion. What I really like about this forum is it doesn't contain all those ***Warning: Triggers*** notices that a lot of other PTSD forums seems to contain. And a bit of triggering is good anyways, for me at least.

Actually I really appreciate you sharing all this here Tactman, I come from a military family and my father and brothers don't talk much about what's happened to them on operations. It's good for me to read someone's experiences, it helps me to understand a bit better. You really have had some horrible things happen, like Hodge said, it's good you're talking about it.

 

[Deleted member 93]

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread556.html[/DLMURL]

Yep, no warning needed. It is the nature of the forum.

 

[becvan]

Tactman, you are in the absolute throes of PTSD.

Right now, your brain is just sitting there in horror, seeing a changed world, where nothing is safe and the world is a bad bad place. Your brain sees only that this is the worst and only someone exactly being in my situation, can possibly understand.

And your brain is wrong.

Go and read our stories. Read some of the trauma diaries, some introduction threads. And you will see countless stories of unspeakable horror, each different, and all of us understand each other. You are now part of this community. We do not need to compare how bad each of us has seen, done, or had done.

My son sleeps ten feet from me. As I toss and turn, kicking in sleeping in my sleep, where even my dog won't stay, my son does the same. He suffers from PTSD, from different trauma from mine, but we are completely in sync. I get the nausea, IB symptoms, shaking, nightmares, zoning out, raging, shut downs, shut in, flashbacks, etc... When I got here, I learned that I share that, my son shares that with many different people here. I belong, they belong, and we don't have explain or justify.

People read my story, it's not that mine is worse, it's not different, it's because the feelings, the reactions, the illness, and the process to get better, is the exact same. It's why I read their stories, why I post here, work here, made friends here. We all live in that bad, bad world.

I am also glad that you are sharing it with us. I can read it and feel the same horror I feel over my own life. I can also read it and know hope, as I know it gets better, we can get it in control, we can improve, we can work through it. When someone says, you have to remove yourself from the environment or you will get worse, but leaving you can work to get better. We say it because we are living it. The first step is always seeking help. You finally realize you need to get this dealt with. You already did this. The second step is realizing your not alone. Some people do understand, even without having lived it. Your almost there. The third step is learning how to get better. The fourth is doing it.

bec

 

[logan]

hang in their
we must lest not forget the ones who have sevred us and the ones sevreing and the ones to come

this is good place for all ptsd

 

[Bella78]

I cannot begin to tell you how much I feel for Military personnel who are confirmed PTSD sufferers and still deployed.

I send you strength Tactman.

 

[Tactman]

Another event, Im going to talk it out. There is a kid near the town Im in now, an Iraqi child, who is just a great kid. When we first moved into this area the natives were nervous with us being here as we are not a conventional fighting force which led to some tension at first. Over time I, along with several other operators, befriended this young man. His life ambition was to join the Iraqi Army and fight for his country. This kid, or young man, really impressed us.

When we would leave town for ops we would always slip out under the cover of darkness. This kid knew we had left within the past few hours every evening and on countless times we watched the kid through NV or infrared. He didnt know where we were at, and about 90% of the time he was facing the wrong direction but he was always saluting us, basically he was saluting an empty desert. This kid is an example of what will eventually make Iraq a country that will be able to defend itself.

While returning from an op one night in the recent past he knew to NEVER approach us because we had warned him that our weapons were loaded and we carried other dangerous incendiary devices that could harm him if he were to get too close and an accident would happen (I have hugged this kid so many times). We didn't want him to hug one of us and something happen.

As we came into the villiage we noticed him sitting in the center of town. He stood and with a look I had never seen in his face he began to walk as us. As he got closer we moved into a defensive permiter and began to yell at him to stop. The look on his face was one of complete devastation and horror. As he became closer we became more aggressive with ordering him to stop and one of my soldiers began to try to load a less lethal round into his secondary weapon. All at once he breaks out into a dead run at us and when he is around 50 feet away we see that he is crying and is wearing a suicide vest.

I had no choice, I shot and killed him which detonated the suicide vest. The vest was designed in a way so there was no way he could take it off and he held a pressure swith that if he released it the vest would explode. We immediately reported the situation to socom and began our own investigation. The first place we went was his famalies home where we found his family murdered. Stating that finding his family murdered does not state what these animals did to this young man's family, I just find no need in sharing details.

The investigation yielded that an insurgent force put this suicide vest on this young man and ordered him to approach us and detonate it. If he did this then his entire family would be safe. Within 10 minutes of this young man leaving his hime the insurgents murdered his family.

This young man is a huge loss. This is the type of young man who wanted to fight for freedom, he wanted to join the Iraqi army and in addition to everything else, he was a good person.

This is yet another injury added to my ptsd injury. I have flashed the moment back, dreamed about it, and it just hurts, I loved this kid.

I have about a 6 year commitment left. With events such as this happening on a weekly/bi-weekly schedule do any of you think that when my duty to my country is finished that I will be able to fit into society as a normal person?

I will do whatever it takes to get control of my ptsd/thanatos. I guess I am just looking for some positive reinforcement. Thank you for your time and allowing me to share my latest trauma.....

 

[Deleted member 93]

Tact, none of us fit in society. I can't make that lie. I do know that we can work around it. We do in time. It is strange as you now belong to an unspoken group or "club". It will never be easy. Just know you are not alone. What you feel and have seen is sadly not unique. An old friend of mine who confided when he went to Panama doing exercises looked eye to eye with a girl about 9 yo... she was raped and executed. He was ordered not to act and they didn't, matter of fact "it never happened". But she looked him in the eye. She saved them as she did not react to them. I just know they must have a very special place in heaven. I lost all faith for many years but faith helped me heal when I came back. That child will too. And that spirit there resides in many people. Not only him. This fight and spirit is just what you are fighting for.

No, it will not ease the pain. Only time and processing will. We will be here for that.

 

[baileysemt]

veiled, you just gave me a new perspective in describing that 9 year old girl. Before, I would only see the horror and sadness and badness in what happened to her. Now I see the angel and spirit inside her in how she saved others by doing what she did. Total 180.

Thank you for that. :) Most of the time I only see the "before," I rarely see the flip side. It is mighty food for thought.

Bailey

 

[tankertoy]

tact,
i am new to this site and it has taken me a long time to even find anything like this for what ever reason. at any rate reading your posts has helped me already. i too am military well now prior. i have been searching high and low to find somewhere that i could talk to other vets who have been in my shoes. it is comforting to know that i am not alone. im not sure how this stuff works but i would be more than willing to let you get things off of your chest as i wish to do the same. it is impossible to talk to anyone outside the military it seems for fear of judgment for what i have done. at the same time it is definitely impossible to talk to people who have been there even those of my own unit who fought along side of me for fear that i will be looked at as a lesser man. i dont want something like this to over shadow all of the accomplishments i made as a soldier and as a leader. i dont want my men or family to think any less of me. it has taken me a great deal of time to even admit that i have a problem for this reason.. now that i am in the civilian world it is even worse because i miss it in some strange way and i have no one to relate too. i feel that everyone is against me and that noone really even cares.... anyway im really not ready to just let it all hang out you could say just yet atleast not here but i would love some one to talk to maybe to releave some of the guilt...... if that is what it is.......
carlos

 

[Tactman]

^^^ Tank.

I am sure you have heard this 100 times. This rings true.


From this day to the ending of the world we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
I will be here to listen anytime you need. There are things that civilians can't grasp. This is now a slam on them at all, they don't understand it. If you need to private message me or email me let me know. This place has helped me alot already. There are some genuine people here.

 

[becvan]

Tact:

I think this thread could be of some use to you. Reaching out to more than just vets, will help. Please read this. [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread2307.html[/DLMURL]

bec

 

[anthony]

I am a veteran, and I can tell you from experience that whilst speaking with other veterans gives some cause for understanding from one another, it also only enables one anothers habits at the same time. If you want to heal trauma, if you want to learn how to manage PTSD, you must go beyond how you got it and believing that only others who got PTSD the same way can help.... because more often than not, they don't help at all, they just enable one another.