I'm Lost, Totally Lost and Don't Know Where To Turn.

[Tactman]

Im sure the majority of you here have military backgrounds and/or swat/leo.

To phrase up my situation, Im lost. I can't say where I am but you can probably figure it out. The unit I am a part of dictates that we operate in one or 3 man teams, mostly solo. I have always considered myself mentally stable and unwavering but seem to be coming unravelled. When I was in my prior unit, before being accepted into my present unit, I led my men and had them as my support as I was there support as well. I find myself now totally alone, in combat, and am having serious issues.

I can't sleep and when I do I replay every atrotious(sp) event that I have been involved in. I can't eat. I am still able to focus and maintain my operational status but am becoming to worry about how long this will hold out.

These stressors have effected the homefront as well. I can't seem to write home, call, email, anything. It seems as if I do all that happens is things get worse which in turn makes my family think that I am pulling away from them and actively making a choice to stay away from them.

I am giving up my childrends childhood to do my duty, something I can never get back. I saw a picture of my son recently and I didn't recognize him. If my unit finds any kind of mental instablility I will immediatly be moved and I have worked years and years to get to this point. It seems I am between a rock and a hard place.

Please understand that I can't divulge more information on where I am at or what unit I am in.

I have officially been diagnosed with PTSD as well as Thanatos (death instinct), which basically means I don't care if I survive ops.

I need help. I was handed this web site on a piece of paper and told to come here and spill out my guts, that you men and woman will help and have answers.

To be totally honest, the majority of the time when I am assigned op's, and am solo, as long as I complete my mission, I don't care if I survive returning.

 

[becvan]

Hi Tactman, Welcome to the forum.

I do not think the majority is Military. Not sure really, because we don't focus on that here. What we focus on is our PTSD. Also, we do not force anyone to divulge information. That is your choice as to what you say and what you don't. I'm not military, but I get the confidentiality.

You have turned to a great place, IMHO. We all help ourselves here and support each other in turn.

Sounds like your in the control of PTSD, instead of you it. A very familiar place to many of us. Are you receiving therapy? Are you on any medications?

There are numerous threads in the introduction section, on our forum guidelines, where to start healing etc.. that you might be interested in reading. Also the Information sections have lot's of great information to help you out.

Again, Welcome!

bec

 

[Tactman]

Hey Bec,

Medications are totally out of the picture. If I show any sign of a mental breakdown I am instantly removed from my unit. I have worked for years to be a member of this unit. Being selected and successfully negotiating the training/schoolwork to become a member of this unit is and will always be one of the things I will be proud of. The things I am ordered to do, while in the greater good of our country, is eating me up morally as a human and a soldier. I have spoken with other members of my unit who has told me they had/have the same problems but for them dealing with the PTSD and Thanatos is an even trade off for them. They tell me I need to learn to lock these events away and never think of them again. Im not wired that way and it is literally eating me up on the inside.

My only other option is to admit my problem and be removed from operational status. Im not sure which is worse, losing what I have spent 10 years working for or seeking help. The unit is clouded so candidated entering the program will not fully understand what is actually in store for them. The training I have recieved is, in my opinion, the best training available to anyone in the military. They have invested quite a bit of time, energy, and money in my training and I keep thinking that they would look for the signs of us breaking down.

I am housed solo, with noone to really get close to and feel them out. When we are in pre-op the guys on my team seem 100% steadfast, like rocks, unphaseable. I mimic them so as to not show weakness. I have serious issues with unavoidable collateral civilian damage which seems to be of little concern here. Don't get me wrong, when I am given an assignment I fulfill it exactly as ordered. This war on terror, Im not sure who it is affecting more, the terrorist or the American soldiers engaged in it.

I really appreciatte your input Bec, I didn't expect help and advice this quick and I cannot thank you enough.

 

[baileysemt]

Wow Tactman, welcome to the forum!! I am so glad that you found us and that you are posting.

You are so strong and brave for coming here and talking about your situation. Do you realize that? :smile: It is a damn hard thing to do.

Ever since my own critical incident (a series of 5 explosions rocked my small town, killing 2 and injuring many others) I have often wondered how our soldiers are dealing with this kind of thing abroad. What you are seeing is as bad or worse than what I saw. (I saw it all as an emergency responder) And unlike me it is not just a one-time thing... it is over and over again. I actually feel remorse when I swat a fly, or squash a spider... I cry when I hit a squirrel with my car... how do you guys do the things you do over there? It is completely boggling to me. When you say "The things I am ordered to do, while in the greater good of our country, is eating me up morally as a human and a soldier." -- that is what I would expect, Tactman. You are not a robot. You are a normal, good person. Being upset by the things you witness is entirely reasonable and expected!!!

Your comment:

They tell me I need to learn to lock these events away and never think of them again. Im not wired that way and it is literally eating me up on the inside.

Your inability to lock it away, the fact your are wired to be more sensitive and perceptive, the fact it is eating you up on the inside -- I have read these are all common traits of PTSDers. We are, by nature, sensitive, considerate, and caring. PTSDers are often characterized as people who "care too much," and it is in that extra caring that we get burned.

Regarding your unwillingness to give up all you have worked for... Oh, do I understand that!!!!! Totally and completely. I had grown my own bricks-and-mortar retail shop for 10 years, and had been an EMT for 12 years, every ounce of me was about those 2 things. One was my pride, the other was my life's passion. The hardest thing I ever had to do was cut back on my calls... then cut back shop hours... then cut back business operations... finally when I got to the point where the PTSD had made me a completely stupid bumbling idiot (seriously, it stole my brain, I could not figure out how to vacuum the floor!) I had to face the fact that I might have to give up my business and being an EMT forever. That was a horrible struggle. I blamed myself for being weak, I couldn't figure out why I was so broken, my self-esteem was ZERO. I had lost everything... my business, my love, and my intelligence.

(More on this later, hang on...)

My point here Tactman, is that you don't have a magic button to push, or a magic switch to flip, that will make this PTSD go away. You have what is very likely a lifetime illness that you must now manage. It is possible to manage it.

Everything I have read (specifically, the docs from the VA are very good) agrees that successful treatment involves being removed from the stressor (war zone) and embarking in therapy (sessions, reading, meds, whatever). A basic tenet to PTSD treatment is that you have a "safe place" that you can retreat to physically or at least mentally. If you are re-submerging yourself in the traumatic environment, I don't know how that can work towards recovery? I know I certainly was not able to return to the location of my trauma for many months... and even so, it's not with a clear mind. To this day I am still swallowing hard and using grounding techniques, just to drive through. :eek:

I understand completely how it feels to face the possibility of losing everything you've been working for for so long. It is a nasty feeling.

However, I finally came to realize this: I am no longer a person who is well-suited to do the things I used to do. That is, to try to stay with the old game plan is counter-productive. It's like trying to stick my foot in a glove. It's a bad fit and it's only going to result in my becoming very sick, and I am going to grossly fail the task at hand (and maybe hurt other people!).

I tried for months and months to become the person I used to be. Oh how I pined to be that energetic, bright, beautiful girl again! I have finally accepted, sadly, that she is gone. Her core spirit and goodness is still there, way deep down ;) but she has matured and changed into someone else now. No one can make themselves be someone they are not.

Tactman, I also found someone that I could model my behavior after, while I was suffering. I find it interesting that we share that commonality too. :smile: I knew I was sick and "broken," and I could not figure out how to feel right again, and I happened across this fellow online who writes like I think. He has a delightful blog, a wicked sense of humor, and he was proof to me that a person could look at life the way I used to and succeed. He was an incredible inspiration for me for a long time. For me, it was a helpful coping strategy. If it helps you to get through the tough spots, that's great! Do what works.

But when it stops working, either you have to come up with a new system, or you have to remove yourself from the situation. I think that you as a good and reasonable man knows that. Ultimately you are going to have to get your PTSD treated. It is not going to go away. It will only get worse. That's how it works. To get better, you have to consciously work at it. And yes, that may cost you your current position in the military. That's not a bad thing if you are a different person who is not perfectly suited to that position. People change. There is no judgment and no failure there. You are changing due to something which makes you uniquely strong in other ways... you have a gift, an ability that some of your team members do not have. Right now that gift feels like a curse, because it's opening the door for PTSD, which is trying to screw up your plan here. However when you are in the right job, the right position, doing the right thing, that gift thrives and shines and it HELPS people. You can use it to amazing good.

Tactman, I hope I have offered you some hope and perspective from my own struggles. I am so proud and happy that you are here. That's awesome!! :) Don't give up!! We need you and we care about you... yes, complete strangers :smile: believe me, you and your fellow soldiers are on our minds ALL THE TIME. We are saying silent prayers for you ALL THE TIME. And, you always have friends on this board. This is a warm and welcoming place.

Take care, Tactman. I will keep you in my thoughts. And I will try to dig up some URLs of materials that really helped me a lot.

:) Bailey

 

[Tactman]

Bailey,

Thank you, you cannot imagine how much you thoughts has made me feel human. The american people have no clue as to what is happening here. There are many things I cannot speak of but I am legally capable of mentioning things that have been made public via CNN and other news facitilies.

I find bodies every day. Men, woman, and children. These people are murdered in ways against their religion, ways that will ensure they will not reach their own version of heaven/afterlife. These people are murdered as a way to terrorize the Iraqi people and to keep them from harbouring the thought of helping out the coalition forces.

There are many things I would like to get off my chest that I cannot say on a public forum. My unit's chaplin has told me to find a person that I do not know, will never meet, and get some of the things that bother me off my chest. If you or anyone else would have 10 minutes of free time to speak on one of the chat servers I would really appreciatte it. He has told me one of the best ways to combat PTSD is to talk about it to someone not in a combat zone that has an open mind.

Im not sure if this forum has a PM service or not. I have an MSN account as well as a Yahoo account if you would happen to have some spare time.

If not I understand.

Your post has helped me quite a bit, made me feel human and not weak. I thank you so much for your time, Tactman.

 

[Tactman]

Just curious, how do you move from a moderated member to a normal member?

Also, Bailey, I appreciatte your post and look forward to the URL's.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hi Tactman & welcome to the forum.

 

[hollyberry]

I hope and pray that you find your way....being lost is rough...

 

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum Tactman, lovely to have you. My husband was in the military 40 years, only recently retired. It is far from easy at the best of times . You have certainly come to the right place for support and to learn.

Just curious, how do you move from a moderated member to a normal member?

This thread will answer all your questions about moderation, please read it:

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5669.html[/DLMURL]

Again welcome. I look forward to speaking with you more.

 

[hodge]

Welcome Tactman,

I'm glad you found this forum. I'm not military, but I do kind of understand how painful and difficult it is to work so many years to achieve something and then feel unable to do it or fear it won't be long before you can't do it anymore. I also understand the pain of doing work that means so much to you and have it battling with your conscience. I don't know what else to say except that I'm so sorry you are in this situation and with ptsd to boot.

Hodge

 

[vst]

Tactman,

Welcome to the forum. I am not military, but I pray for all our troops overseas and will pray for you personally. It takes alot of courage to serve our country as you do.

Take care,

vst

 

[morgan]

I'm sorry you're in that situation. If you decide it's just too much for you. The National Center for PTSD, VA in Palo Alto, CA Takes active duty. It's a great program and soldiers get priority right now.
I say this to you because I know you are not safe right now and I want you to know that there is a safe place that you can go. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. They are natural.
Thanks for serving, Morgan