Relationship Im New, Begging For Advice

[americangirl]

Hello everyone. I have been reading a lot of what you all have said and tried applying it to my own situation. Youre all so strong and helpful to eachother and I am hoping someone has some wise words for me.

I have been dating my amazingly genuine Marine for about a year and a half, until it abruptly ended 3 weeks ago. In the very beginning we would get really close and when it came time to decide if we were going to go all in for a real relationship, he'd decide he wasnt ready and we'd just be friends. This happened a few times until last spring he decided to go for it, and everything was amazing. He was supportive and fun and he even started bringing me around his best friends--they told me hed never brought any girls around before and theyd never seen him happier than he was with me.

He's a combat vet, and says he has ptsd. He can be irritable and has a temper, but never with me. Otherwise, I don't recognize any of the 'standard' symptoms.

When we broke up he said things like he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, he loved me, really wanted to stay friends and have me stay in his life but he wasnt ready for a relationship, needed to do his own thing even though he felt selfish for feeling that way.
He said we arent meant to be right now a few times. He always had to tack on the 'right now' part. Had he not added that, plus everything else, I would be able to accept that I'm just not the girl for him. But those little things make me feel like theres hope. I dont want to just give up on him, especially if it is just a rough patch. I also don't want to smother him.

He also said this wasn't all to do with ptsd. So I'm left struggling trying to figure out if he's just going through a rough patch, or if he just doesn't want to be with me.

Of course at the beginning when we talked, I was hysterical. I love him completely, ptsd or not. I thought if he wanted to be friends it was okay to invite him out, he did accept any of my invitations but we have all the same friends so I've hung out with him a few times and it's not awkward to talk and be around each other in those cases.

Im trying really hard to give him the space he needs, but how do you do that and still remain friends?

I couldnt stand it if he was out of my life. If anyone has any insight as to what he may be thinking or what I should do, or not do, please help me. Theres always more to the story but that is the basic story.

 

[amethist]

Hi americangirl

This sound like a case of him not being able to be in a relationship at the moment because of his PTSD, friends yes, but that is it.

You will have to give him the space he needs and let him find what he needs for himself. It may be you, it may not, but how long are you prepared to wait on the sidelines for him.

Dont hang on his every word while your around him, and try and live your own life. Going out and having fun with your own friends away from him.

What you should not do is push him in any way, dont keep inviting him out, with or with out other friends.

If he comes back to you in time, then you will maybe have to except that this will always be a different type of relationship than you have had in the past.

PTSD brings many complications to a relationship, some you can except, some you just have to put up with.

I hope you can find a way to enjoy life with or with out him.

 

[Dallas]

Unfortunately, I think you have to take him at his word right now. Respect his needs and wishes and give him the space he is requesting. Focus on your own life for now, and make it the best it can be! Give him time to heal...that is the best thing you can do for him right now.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[americangirl]

Thank you both for responding so quickly. I'm trying to be happy, especially since I know he didnt fall in love with a zombie in the first place, he certainly wont now. I appreciate the honesty, even though it's hard to hear. I have accepted that he needs his time, to figure things out. What I really want to know is, am I right to hope things will work out or should I give up?

 

[amethist]

We cant tell you that, though living your own life to the full will help you to move forward which ever way it turns out.

Just dont wait for ever and miss out on any one else that comes your way.

 

[kabeh394]

I'm going to put another spin on this, I heard those same things, almost verbatim

He's a combat vet, and says he has ptsd. He can be irritable and has a temper, but never with me. Otherwise, I don't recognize any of the 'standard' symptoms. When we broke up he said things like he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, he loved me, really wanted to stay friends and have me stay in his life but he wasnt ready for a relationship, needed to do his own thing even though he felt selfish for feeling that way. He said we arent meant to be right now a few times. He always had to tack on the 'right now' part. Had he not added that, plus everything else, I would be able to accept that I'm just not the girl for him. But those little things make me feel like theres hope. I dont want to just give up on him, especially if it is just a rough patch. I also don't want to smother him. He also said this wasn't all to do with ptsd. So I'm left struggling trying to figure out if he's just going through a rough patch, or if he just doesn't want to be with me.

The things people don't seem to understand is that you are grieving a very significant loss, telling you to buck up, give him space, "work on you", that's my favorite. They don't help, what helped for me was therapy, allowing myself to grieve, there were days I didn't leave the house. I tried to not blame myself but I did spend some time questioning my own part for sure. Start a journal (it seems minute, but it will help you progress as things are going to come to you, things you missed (I promise you), there were warning signs, if its in ink, it will be harder for you to ignore! Educate yourself, read everything you can find on PTSD, compare your story to others, (for me, it was the only way I was getting answers, and it was comforting to know I wasn't alone. I still have some issues with trust and you may find you will too, I wish I could tell you this is going to be easy, but in my own experience, it's the most painful part of my life.

Good luck!

 

[americangirl]

I think I might have to try that, cause even though I'm doing a good job of getting out of the house and seeing friends and all that, it doesnt do anything. As soon as I get home it all comes back. Being out isnt fun anymore. I really appreciate your response. Ive found myself comparing my stories to others, hoping someone experienced the same thing with a happy ending. Ive been praying a lot more than I usually do, and not that we'll get back together but that he has peace of mind and guidance down the right path for him. If it truly isnt me, I can accept that, its so difficult to think about, but eventually I could. How did your story turn out?

 

[kabeh394]

We've been "no contact" for nearly 11 months. He moved a new partner into the home we shared, and eventually left the state. He bailed on all of our commitments, and never really looked back. Luke said some things to me that didn't make sense to me at the time "I don't want to hurt you anymore", (he wasn't, or so I thought), his family turned their back on me "it was the relationship, not Luke that wasn't ok". My family doesn't think it's even PTSD, he's just an A&*hole.

It was never the relationship that mattered to me (not that it wasn't important). I loved him but his happiness was also important to me. It was the way he did it. The new relationship? "I found a journal entry from Luke that specified this person was nothing more than a sexual conquest, not at all a love interest". Serves them both right, I call that Karma! Long story short, it still isn't "finished" and I don't have any answers other than the ones I have put together but what I have found out about myself is that I am not willing to accept this disorder into my life, and thanks to Luke's actions, I don't have to!

 

[Dallas]

hoping someone experienced the same thing with a happy ending.

It was a little rough for me in the beginning, but things are working amazingly well know, better than anything I could have dreamed of! But taking one step at a time....

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[americangirl]

Im really happy to hear that, thats so nice to hear. How did things turn around for you guys?

 

[Dallas]

I gave him all the space he wanted, and the time he needed to heal. I still do that, and focus on making my life as full and fantastic as possible, using all the gifts God has given me. The more I do that, the better and stronger my boyfriend becomes, and the stronger our relationship becomes. (and I am peaceful, sane, productive, and happy!)

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

It's not fair to ask someone to fulfill all your needs, and it's not fair for someone to ask you to fill theirs. Only God can fulfill all my needs, other people just enhance my life! :joyful:

Sincerely,
Dallas.