Relationship I'm New Here And In A New Relationship With Ptsd Man

[Catching_him]

My user name that I chose "catching him", is because that is what he tells me I'll need to do when he gets home from active duty. I already feel like I'm "catching him".
I met him 2 weeks before he deployed. As with many of you, our relationship moved REALLY fast to the serious stage of "I love you", "grow old together", etc...
I went and spent Christmas with him, just the 2 of us for 4 days, at his base. The best holiday I (or he) has ever had!!! We spent most of the time at his place laughing, kissing, and ya know. That was 2 months into the relationship.
When I left I felt like I was saying goodbye. Everything was fine until his boss (and best friend) got back after New Year's. They had a huge fight, they have not been the same since, and neither has it been with me either.
I know he has PTSD, and he's alluded to it without coming out and telling me. He has told me why, and what has happened to him. He keeps asking if I'll still love him if he's a monster...I say the same things we all would "of course, and you're not a monster"
I love him. I am very guarded now though because since New Year's the "I love you" from him has stopped. Very abruptly. I finally asked and he said he DID love me and I should just know that, and why do I doubt him so much!?
We talk at least once and sometimes up to 5 or more times a day, and text.
I have already prepared myself to loose him at some point, whether it's before he gets home or after. He says he has no one else that understands him and that he can talk to. Basically I feel as though I'm convenient.
I don't want to get hurt, and have thought of terminating it before he breaks my heart. I only trust someone once. So if anyone can help me with these feelings and the issues I'm going to list below I would appreciate it SOOOO much!
*talks only about himself - even told me that he doesn't want to know too much right now...isn't ready.
*Self-important - always about rank, and no could do what he does, no one "back home" has any respect for him
*Pity parties - poor me poor me
*Anger!!!!
*Crying and apologizing and saying "I love you" and sending me songs (this usually happens before and after missions)
*Goes back and forth on whether he'll go back next year (he's 48 and can definitely retire!). He says he wants to retire, but doesn't know what else would give him the adrenaline rush and the rank that he's used to.
*Jealous!!!
We don't want to loose each other, but I can't have a one sided relationship with no promise that he's even going to live here except for 3 months when he gets home.
I have the same anxieties that others on here do if he doesn't call or text, and I wonder if I did something wrong...but I'm getting through that. I know I didn't, he just needs space, or something else is bothering him.
It's hard not being able to see him. Anyone else in a similar situation?
Thanks!

 

[DinaD]

Hi, I read your post and din't want to leave you hanging. I'm no expert on this but I am new to it like you are and can share what I have already learnt/ experienced. Treat this relationship like you would any other and then take in to account his PTSD separately. By that I mean know what your are and are not prepared to put up with and communicate that to him. I'm not as far in to my relationship as you are with your's, as previous experience has taught me to hold back until I'm sure and protect my heart and my head in case things don't turn out so well.

But PTSD puts a very different twist on things for sure and I think he needs understanding around certain issues. Like you I am in the process of figuring out if my guy is worth the patience, space and quite frankly the ''time''. Only you can know that. Good luck, hope it works out I'm struggling too.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Take the time to read through the forums and you'll find lots of advice, and people who are or have been in a similar situation to you.

One thing I will say is that if you truly feel:

I can't have a one sided relationship with no promise...

then a PTSD relationship may not be the place for you.

My relationship isn't all one-sided, but it is quite a lot of the time. Not because he's a bad or selfish person, but because the PTSD won't always let him see out as far as what I want or need.

He can't keep promises; sometimes he doesn't remember making them. Sometimes he just can't do [insert promise here], no matter how much he may want to.

It isn't easy. It won't just suddenly get better. And it will always be there.

You need to decide what you want and what you need. Good luck.

 

[Casey_03]

I would warn you to beware of attributing his behavior to PTSD. Many supporters do that and I think it's a big mistake. For one, PTSD sufferers can behave like jerks and exhibit crappy behavior -- but that doesn't mean they are doing it because of the PTSD, or that it is somehow acceptable because they have PTSD. I have known many combat vets with PTSD who generally treat women horribly, but get away with it because a) they act all sentimental with the i love you crap and b) they manage to manipulate people with the PTSD diagnosis. Many women fall for the Oh-I'm-a-monster-but-a-loveable-one nonsense. Ultimately, if you let him treat you like crap now, that's setting the stage for the rest of the relationship, and things won't improve. A PTSD sufferer is only ready for a relationship when he/she is ready to communicate openly about their symptoms and plan for those symptoms. If he gets distant and isolates without giving you any explanation, he's either not ready for a relationship or he's just being selfish. Don't be misled by the PTSD diagnosis. It's not a get away free card.

 

[Catching_him]

Thank you both for replying. I have been reading a lot in this forum, and you're right...most people are dealing with the same as I am.
You are right, it may not be a relationship that I can handle. It wouldn't be fair to him either.
The person I want to ask most is him...I respect his points of view so much and he is my closest friend, but if I ask him I know he'll push away.
He seems to push away as time goes by, could be because we don't see each other, but he still calls and says "I'm the only one he's has to talk to". I don't know if I should take that as "loyalty" or "convenience". Then he'll say "and I'm not looking for anyone else". Idk??? I just take it that he needs me (or someone) and I don't want him to feel alone. Unfortunately he is literally alone, I can't help that, but I can be on the other end of a phone call.
He is always apologizing for how one-sided the relationship is. He's even told me that he doesn't want to know a lot about my past or my problems because he can't handle someone else's stress with his own. So I have kept quiet. But then the question arises: "does he even know the person he supposedly loves"?
I know how insecure he is, and scared, and ashamed. When he cries I hear him saying it's not fair to me to have to put up with him and he's a monster and how could I love a monster...etc. Then he gets angry and says he's "fine". But, am I fine? I can be strong for him, for my children, for my family, for my employees, but what about me? Someday I think I'll need someone to "catch me" also. Can I ever count on him? Should I just be prepared to give my love to him and have friends and family to turn to when I need love and support?

 

[Milo's papa]

Thank you both for replying. I have been reading a lot in this forum, and you're right...most peop...

Catching_him, No you don't have to be in a relstionship where you are supporting your spouse but your spouse won't, (and I emphasize won't) support you. PTSD is a horrid thing and damned hard to live with for both of you, but it doesn't give anyone, sufferer or supporter, a free ride. As messed up as my wife is she knows when she is being unfair and will eventually admit it.

I have messed up to. I have made the mistake of withholding from her how stressed I am about different things, not wanting to add my stuff to her already overflowing plate. I told my eldest son instead. It got to the point where he was so concerned about me he told my wife everything. She was understanding about why i did this, but she was mad that I didn't have enough faith in her to tell her intead of my son.

The point i'm trying to make is, even in a relationship with someone with severe PTSD, my wife insists that I treat her as an equal partner. We both have to support each other or it's not a relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are times when she needs her world left alone and I respect that, but she tells me openly that she just can't do it now. When she is capable of supporting me, ( usualy within the next couple days) she comes to me to talk about me first, then her.

If you don't feel that you can have a healthy relationship, what ever your definition of that is, then you should think twice about getting further into one with him. Harsh to hear, but honest. In my opinion, PTSD sufferers live in their own version of hell. You have to be ready to live with that.

Best of luck to you both. I hope you two can get it worked out. you sound like you love him dearly.

 

[Catching_him]

Catching_him, No you don't have to be in a relstionship where you are supporting your spouse but you...

Thank you....
I do love him dearly.
Today he didn't contact me...but I finally called him. He said he didn't want to talk or text, fb, just no contact with anyone. I said "cool, understand, good night and ttyl." Then I see he is on fb with other people...
It really hurts...
I'm not high maintenance, so why did he lie to me?

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I'm not high maintenance, so why did he lie to me?

If you need direct contact with him every day, he may find that too much some times, and so to him you are high maintenance.

As for why he lied? Maybe he didn't want to hurt your feelings. Or as @Casey_03 said, he's a jerk. Lying is not a symptom of PTSD, it's something everyone does.

Some people find Facebook a form of escapism. My husband does. Most of his Fb friends are from his life before PTSD, and they don't know anything about it. The guy he portrays on there is relaxed, happy, funny, etc all the time. None of the bad stuff filters through on there.

As @Milo's papa said, you need to know what you need from a relationship, and then work out if it is likely in this relationship.

There are good times and bad in all relationships, and they all take work.

 

[Milo's papa]

Thank you....
I do love him dearly.
Today he didn't contact me...but I finally called him. He said...

Catching_him, I have to agree with Purplemunchkin, it might be that he just wanted to escape the reality of his world for a time. Lying is never OK. but there is a , possibility just didn't want to have to explain his actions. I could be wrong, maybe he was just being a jerk, but that is a possibility worth thinking about. It doesn't mean you're "high maintenance, sometimes that's just how thing are. Don't sweat over little things like this, you two have much bigger issues to deal with.

 

[Catching_him]

He is scared to lose me, I can tell. I'm the only person he contacts daily. Today is a REALLY bad day for him. Day off from work with no one to be with. At a natural spring at a pretty creek...he's so depressed. I told him he's was a good man, that even though he couldn't say it back and doesn't even feel it for me sometimes, that I loved him and will not push. I told him I appreciated his calling everyday even though it's hard. Even when he just says "I don't feel like talking, and good night ".
Is it OK to say these things to him, or does it hurt him more?

 

[Milo's papa]

@Catching_him , yes it's OK, as long as you keep your guard up. Don't let him guilt you into a relationship neither of you are ready for.The rason I say guilt is because he is playing the "all alone in this world" an awful lot.

Be careful and PLEASE take care of yourself and you heart.

 

[Catching_him]

Exact words he uses...that I'm "the only one he has to talk to"...but what happens when he finds other people to talk to or other distractions? Loyalty vs. Convenient.
I only give trust to someone one time, and I hope I don't regret it.