Welcome! First, I'd like to say that I love you're picture. It reminds me of some artwork I that I have that I treasure.
I'm sorry to hear you were sexually assaulted 8 years ago. I too was sexually assaulted, however, over 20 years ago by people I knew, I was threatened to be raped by another person I knew, and left my ex unexpectedly after being threatened to have him put my head through a wall. I fled far away from him. My ptsd comes mostly by how he treated me during the marriage, threatening to kill me almost every week during the summers of the 2-4yrs of our marriage. I just kept telling him I had no life insurance, and because it was only the two of us, they would naturally look at him very closely as the person who killed me. It seemed to keep him at bay, and me frightened and on my toes.
Wow. That's some quick thinking there. I think it's interesting how our inner resources come out when we are threatened. I've had some pretty interesting moments too where I've risen to the challenge. I once stared down a stranger who had been hiding behind a bush in an alley near where I was living. I knew before I even went down my street that there was someone waiting there for me, as I heard a bird sound, but it wasn't a bird, it was a man making a bird sound to signal to someone. My intuition is quite strong...and when I got there, I went into the garden of a house and started banging on the door and shaking my keys like I lived there. No one answered, but eventually the guy came out and faced me, and we had this stare down that lasted for about 20 seconds, where I kept eye contact and showed no fear...even though I was scared to death inside...I didn't show it. he ended up running off and got in his car and drove away!
I'm not sure what I would have done if he had called my bluff...but my stare told him that I'd kill him if he came near me...and maybe I would have?
For someone who chose to recover without friends, you sound like a very strong independent woman. May I ask what made you choose to not have the support of friends?
I just found that the people in my life at the time weren't really friends to me, and I didn't feel like I could talk about it with anyone. I didn't really speak much back then, and it just felt like it was for my survivals sake and to be able to move to where I wanted to be in my consciousness, that I couldn't be around most people, who seemed to have much bigger issues than I did.
I like my own space...a lot. I enjoy my own company a lot and I questioned the messages my mother fed me telling me that the worst thing in the world is to be alone. I don't believe that. I think it's really healthy to spend time alone. I was a hermit for a few years, and I loved every minute of it.
I prefer my company to most other people, simple as that!
When I was assaulted though, I realized how much I did need friends...but making friends can be such a long process, and finding the right people, who won't cause even more damage is a challenge. It took a while, and I did find people who were like minded. Don't get me wrong though, I did reach out for support...and went to groups and spoke with counselors...there just wasn't anyone I trusted enough or felt close enough to to share what was going on, and I had trouble talking about it...like actually getting the words out was a big thing for me, for some reason?
I also didn't feel like real life support groups are all that healthy in the long run. Peoples issues can bleed over into each other if they aren't too good at keeping their sense of self and boundaries up. It can get messy. That is just how I felt about it.
I also tended to attract very dominating women in my circle of friends, and I was quite passive at the time...so I needed to develop a more assertive way of being...which I am moving towards in leaps and bounds these days. It's gotten much easier than it used to be, but I still have trouble with attracting emotionally abusive people, men mostly, into my world.
I hope you continue on your journey and make new friends here on the forum. I am relatively new to the forum myself, and people have been very welcoming and helpful and compassionate.
Pink
Thanks so much.
Thread 'What do you think about the phrase 'trauma doesn't define you"?'
