Hi Littlereb,
From what you wrote, many of the situations you described are not too different than what I and unfortunately many others have gone through. But Anthony is completely correct that you cannot begin to heal or even put your life together until you are safe. Safety for you and your children is paramount.
The following is based upon my own personal experience, so please take or leave what fits your situation.
- You need to be living somewhere that is secure. Shelters are very secure as they are designed to provide living arrangements for families who are being actively stalked, threatened, or terrorized. If you do not live in a shelter, there are ways to secure your home. Have plenty of outdoor lighting, strong deadbolts, glass breaks, motion detectors, alarm, and cameras. (Outdoor cameras are great for documenting violations of restraining orders.)
- Make friends with your local police. Let them know what has happened and your concerns. Many times they will help keep an eye on your residence, especially at night.
- The criminal justice system has laws and unfortunately in these cases they are designed for the benefit of the perpetrator. You have to report everything immediately due to statues of limitations. Unfortunately, you may have to call to see where the investigation is at. Make friends with the local prosecutor. Discharging a fire arm at children and hitting a child is not just domestic violence. Battery, child abuse, attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon, etc., and the charges have to be severe enough to warrant arrest and a bail amount that is prohibitive.
- Anytime you have a legal action, civil or criminal, be prepared to "disappear". These are times of increased risk and a "cooling off" period is recommended. I did some great camping during those periods.
- When you are being stalked, keep a journal and get pictures if possible. This is hard to prove, but all states have statutes against it and it will also provide evidence for the violation of a no contact or restraining order. If it all possible, when you do go out, make it only during the day and to very public and populated locations. Alter the times and routes of your travels so you can throw him off. This is not time to be a creature of habit or regular in your activities.
These are just a few suggestions, but get help from anyone and everyone that you can. Also, you really need to see a counselor. I totally understand that level of anger and fear, and it is OK to feel that way but another thing to act upon it. Get help to relieve the stress levels. Again, most domestic violence shelters or advocates have free counseling. They really know their stuff and nothing shocks them. Most are prior victims who have been exactly where you are at.
In regard to your children, by keeping yourself safe, you will keep them safe. They need a sense of security and routine. It is hard work, but you have to create it to the best of your ability for them. School can be one of there best "safe" environments. But talk to the administrators and let them know what is going on. Make sure there are clear instructions regarding who they can and cannot leave with. Also, make arrangements in advance to cover absences so it does not hurt them academically. (We had to have absences excused when the kids and I would "disappear".) They can also refer you to additional resources and counseling for your children.
If you choose to keep a weapon in your home for protection that is your choice. But children the age of yours should not have access to it. It should be in your custody and control at all times, or locked away when you are not with it. If you carry for personal protection, make sure you are legal, know how to use it, and have quick access. Otherwise it can be easily used against you.
I hope nothing has offended and I have probably thrown way too much out here for a post. But I want to close with a note of hope. I lived with this for more than 25 years. But the thing is I lived and so did my children. It wasn't easy, but life is good and even in the midst of surviving, we were living. My youngest just graduated and all four grew up with this. Sure there were problems, but they are turning into happy and healthy young adults. Keep communication open and provide opportunities for counseling. You can get through this, without going to their level.
Debbie
