Sufferer I'm New

[ashmeaboutit]

Hello, I'm Ashley and I'm new here. I never really know what to say in these things honestly. I was diagnosed with PTSD 3 years ago and really didn't seek treatment for it like I should've. Most days I think I just get by. I was molested by my uncle from ages 9-12. The summer that I turned 12 he committed suicide. I spent a lot of years blaming myself, that if I had just told someone that he would be in jail and not dead. I lived with a lot of guilt for a long time, until my older step-sister made me an appointment and told me I was going if she had to drag me there herself. I remember the appointment where the therapist diagnosed me as kind of a blur. I remember laughing a lot and apologizing because I thought I probably seemed like a total lunatic, but she was extremely kind and explained that what I was going through was completely normal. All people behave differently in uncomfortable situations. After I started seeing her I finally told my mother, but not my father, grandmother or sister because they hold on to this idea of what he was while my image was just totally different. It's very difficult sometimes. I see him as an alcoholic predator and they just see him and someone with lost potential. The worst part is that a month ago I found out the he himself was molested as a child and somehow that old guilt came rushing back and I feel like I'm back at square one again. Some days are better than others, I'm just trying to get through them all.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome, Ashley. I really like your username.

The worst part is that a month ago I found out the he himself was molested as a child and somehow that old guilt came rushing back and I feel like I'm back at square one again

I'm sorry to hear this. Please try and remember that what he did, and what happened to him- these things are not your fault. I know that's not how it feels, I struggle with the same feelings (different issues, but I think many of us here struggle with guilt).

It's not your fault, any of it. Some days will always be harder than others. But like you said, just one day at a time, and things do start to shift towards the better.

 

[Intrepid]

alcoholic predator

Glad you're here.

No 12 year old has the skills it takes to handle an alcoholic predator. Many adults don't have the skills either. You are right to focus on your sense of guilt. It's a good place to start.

My grandparent was a non-alcoholic predator. My parent was an alcoholic predator. That my parent was also a victim does not justify anything. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

I wish you the best, and know you find many people here who can relate to your story.

 

[Nighthawk]

Welcome to the forum

 

[intothelight]

@ashmeaboutit Welcome to the forum!

Its very common for victims of abuse to hold themselves somehow responsible for the actions of others, but really children are not responsible for the actions of adults. Whether or not your uncle was abused doesn't justify his actions. He was an adult and chose to act out or act upon his impulses and it wasn't your fault. I hope that with healing you come to a point where you no longer feel responsible or carry any guilt.