I'm Normal Dammit! Oh Wait......%#&*

[HëllaBubz]

I guess I'm really struggling at the moment, and I'm so confused I don't know which way is up, down, sideways..... Most of the time, I keep thinking I can do things like I used to, and I charge off and accept a task to do which wouldn't be that big *before* I got ill. And then I come down in a crashing heap because I've forgotten that I *can't* actually do the things I used to, like a run to the shops, folding all the washing, cleaning the house, doing homework, having a phone conversation, etc.

There are days when I am so totally exhausted that I write off anything to do, because the exhaustion is plain and I know I can't do it; but when the symptoms aren't so apparent, I don't even think I'll be fine, I just go ahead and do! Or the days when the train of thought is on an express to Doomsville, and the thought of going outside the house is enough for me to pull the pillow over my head!

I guess the thing I'm finding is that if the symptom isn't immediately apparent, I forget that the limitation is there and then I get depressed and kick myself when I fall in a heap. Why don't I remember before I go and do it? If I did, I wouldn't have accepted the task!

It's like - I know I can do this, I've done it before. I'm not stupid, I know I'm smart enough, what the hell is going on, why won't my brain compute things like it used to? But trying to explain it to other people is almost impossible! My sister and I spent the afternoon together after she finished uni, and we had fun looking at wedding stuff, working out our tastes, etc. Then the conversation moved onto the dog I'm getting, and I felt so stupid, fraudulent trying to explain why I needed the dog, and how he's going to help me, because none of my symptoms were showing then.

I have such a hard time explaining this illness to other people, (or to myself - to work out what's going on), it's like as soon as the symptom has vanished for a little while, the ability to understand, explain and verbalize its effect on me, vanishes with the symptom!

I don't know what to do, I'm soooooo f*cking frustrated with myself and everything around me, nothing makes sense anymore. And I can't talk it over with my T because he got hospitalized suddenly about a week or so ago, and the poor bastard is so ill he's still in there! I'm not upset that he's not there for me, I'm ultimately concerned about him, and if he's going to be ok!

Does anyone else understand what I'm trying to express here?

I used to be such a 'well spoken' and articulate person, and it has been taken away from me too!

 

[safenow]

Oh girl. I can so understand how you feel. It is so dang frustrating.

I used to be the "multi task" person. Now, I can't even do one task at a time. sigh. I ran into a guy I used to work with and he ask me to help him fill out a simple form, then print it off my computer. Without thinking I said, "Sure. Give me until 7:00 pm and I'll have it for you." DUH! Bad call!

I couldn't even line the stupid thing up on the dang printer. I had to call him and tell him I couldn't do it. He did not understand, and finally got angry, thinking I was 'shining" him on. Sigh. I have no way to explain to him why I can't do simple things any longer. Other than to say, If I could still do them, I wouldn't be so broke.

safenow.

 

[HëllaBubz]

If I could still do them, I wouldn't be so broke.

*sigh*

Yup.

 

[Abstract]

I felt so stupid, fraudulent ....because none of my symptoms were showing then.

I know exactly what you mean and battle with this too. All the time I find myself hitting up against my supposed reality and my reality. And not being able to tell the one from the other. And you explained it perfectly well.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Well my other problem at this stage is that I've just spoken to the T's secretary, and she confirmed that he is going to be out for quite a while, and he will have to catch up with his other appointments as well, so I'm looking at a good 2 months before I get in again.

Just when I'd started to enjoy my weekly support too!

 

[aka]

Or the days when the train of thought is on an express to Doomsville, and the thought of going outside the house is enough for me to pull the pillow over my head!

I have been having days like this lately. Constant battle between wanting out because I feel trapped in the house and the anxiety of being outside of it.

and I felt so stupid, fraudulent trying to explain why I needed the dog,

Yeah been feeling like this a lot since I turned down a job last week because I couldn't find a place to rent that would allow me to bring my dog. The dog not coming was not a option for me because I depend on him to watch my back.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Constant battle between wanting out because I feel trapped in the house and the anxiety of being outside of it.

I know something is wrong with me because the emotional fragility is overwhelming, and your post sums up so well what I'm feeling. And your post just tipped me over the edge, so I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out but so grateful for the fact that the tears can finally come without it being forced out.

But don't feel bad because I'm crying, I really need to, and it's cleansing all the dusty dark corners that were hidden from me when I was on medication, I just want to understand what the hell is going on, and what is happening to me.

I can't tell you how much I am chafing at the bit to go up to Sydney to meet my new service dog, I want to badly to be able to attach and rely on something or someone outside of my house that I know won't judge me and will offer that support that I so desperately need. It's like I've already bonded with him even though we haven't met, like another part of me is waking up and starting to feel again, another part of me that wants to express how deeply I can love and adore something outside of my partner or family.

The dog not coming was not a option for me because I depend on him to watch my back.

My brother in law's wedding is in a few months here in Melbourne, and my partner was saying to me that he didn't think the dog would be 'allowed'.

I asked him why, and he said that it would be unusual. So I said that it's not just a dog with special tricks, he's a disability dog, and I have a disability. It's as f*cking simple as that. Who gives a shit if it's unusual, things aren't normal for me, and I'm not going to apologize for having a visible support with me all the time whether I'm at home or out in public.

 

[aka]

I can't tell you how much I am chafing at the bit to go up to Sydney to meet my new service dog, I want to badly to be able to attach and rely on something or someone outside of my house that I know won't judge me and will offer that support that I so desperately need.

Yeah I know the feeling my new pup is only three days old and I can't wait to get started training him. I have already picked out his name and everything. Sigh I need to learn the art of patience.

 

[maddog]

Hearing you really, really deeply Bubz... everything you said. I find that the only times I can find the words - my beloved words that I used to be so good with - to describe the symptoms or struggles, are the times when they have abated somewhat, and I feel positively humiliated, ridiculous and, as you say, fraudulent to be sitting there explaining my internal horrors with a straight face. I know that probably just reflects my own almost pathological insecurity about my illness and its enormity, but it's a horrible, invalidating, lonely feeling that affects me deeply, and definitely does impact on the way that others relate to me too.

I used to do everything, go everywhere, and all without a thought. These days the entirety of my day's productivity are things I used to do in the spare few minutes before leaving for work in the morning, and that's on a good day. I almost wish I could forget that, because the torture of remembering is sometimes almost intolerable.

I think it's bloody fantastic that you have your dog to look forward to, and I think it's a very positive and healthy sign that you're reaching out emotionally already. I often feel as though the positive and attaching emotions in me have died, and to feel them awaken and stir is a sign of the most unbreakable life force, and yours is strong, and about to get stronger.

Unspeakably sorry about your T. My goodness, that is a huge blow at a difficult time for you. No wonder you need to cry today. We are all here to at least put one foot into the support void while he's away, and hopefully much more than that.

Maddog

 

[HëllaBubz]

Sigh I need to learn the art of patience.

eh? what's that? :confused::p

explaining my internal horrors with a straight face.

horrible, invalidating, lonely feeling

It's amazing how much clarity is afforded to us when we view other's plight....but when it comes to our own we are reduced to beating on our chests and grunting. :eek::p

I often feel as though the positive and attaching emotions in me have died, and to feel them awaken and stir is a sign of the most unbreakable life force, and yours is strong, and about to get stronger.

Getting Gremlin is helping somewhat already, because it reassures me that bonding with my child is not going to be as hard as some therapists and 'experts' make out.

When I grew up in a dysfunctional environment, I learned to withhold the love that should be given to figures in my life because I recognized them as a fraud.
So you can go the rest of your life having all this love to give but never an appropriate outlet for it.

Don't get me wrong, I still have love there for my father and mother, but they, as much as I love them, are 2 people that I will never ever be able to let my guard down against.

My parents have often said that I was an extremely difficult child once I got past about the aged of 4-5.
I had a moment of clarity today when I thought to myself, yeah, that's because you didn't realize adult understanding of life in a child's body, and I could never forgive the fact that neither of them are able to realize or want to understand it to this day.

We are all here to at least put one foot into the support void while he's away, and hopefully much more than that.

Thank you maddog, you have known exactly what to say to help me deal with this....I never thought it would happen, but I enjoy the moments of clarity that I gain at my T's, and the guidance that he provides, being without that stable and ongoing support is extremely difficult.

 

[Mayday]

My parents have often said that I was an extremely difficult child once I got past about the aged of 4-5.
I had a moment of clarity today when I thought to myself, yeah, that's because you didn't realize adult understanding of life in a child's body, and I could never forgive the fact that neither of them are able to realize or want to understand it to this day.

I so relate to this. All of it.

 

[Pencil]

Oh hell yes.

I'm really struggling financially doing freelance work. I've just been offered a full time position, and my anxiety levels are off the charts - and anyone who has come to know me on this forum knows that I'm not prone to 'symptoms'. I so badly want to just be a normal f*cking working person. I DON'T want to struggle financially, I want to be able to work and get a massive salary and just get on with life. WHY is this SO difficult??????? How do I explain to the people in my 3D world that getting up every day at the same time, and getting myself out of the house and to an office and doing work that I am fully capable of doing, is seemingly beyond me? I can't even explain it to myself. Just talking about it here now has me shaking.