I'm Numb… So, So Numb

[Deleted member 22607]

I haven't been on this forum in months but events over the last few weeks brought me back to it.

I have this thing where I think that my PTSD is gone, so I go on living my life and then a few months later, it comes back in all its intensity. I'm having one of those moments now. Except, instead of getting flashbacks and panic attacks and my other usual symptoms, I feel numb. Number than I've ever felt before. I feel so tired and weary, and just… empty. I know the PTSD is there and that it's affecting me somehow, but I can't feel it.

So I've been trying to trigger myself. I've been trying to make myself feel at least something. My trauma was mediatised, so I went and read all the articles about it that I could find. I looked at pictures of the scene, and of the people who died. I replayed the images in my mind. Nothing. The only thing I felt was exhaustion. I just wanted to lie down and sleep.

I feel like I've had so many emotions over the past two years and now I just don't have any left. I don't have the strength anymore. I've never felt this way before. I'm normally a very emotional, sensitive person (hypersensitive, in fact) so I'm not used to feeling nothing at all. Is this normal? Is it a part of PTSD? How do you deal with it?

I just want to feel something, anything. So I know I'm still alive.

Thanks for reading.

 

[macbeth]

I understand what you mean. When my little man was born 3 years ago it terrified me because the first 6 months of his life I was numb and on auto pilot. I had a lot of issues with dissociation and depersonization. It is not uncommon with sufferers of PTSD. I pray you have feelings soon. Please understand that you are not alone with this. :hug: s my friend

 

[Underdog]

Yeah, I get that. My last episode started that way as well. I didn't understand why I felt so emotionally numb and tired. I'm not saying you are on the cliff of another big episode though, that was just me and my particular scenario given events. I think it's normal, but would be concerned about trying to trigger yourself further.

To me it sounds like something has already set you off subconsciously and this is the aftermath of that. You may not know what it is or was, and you may come out of it given time still not knowing. Give it time and pay attention to yourself.

Are you currently seeing a therapist? I'm wondering because that might be something good to discuss in your sessions.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe instead of lying to yourself (like so many other people do) and thinking you don't have PTSD anymore, you can realize that its all a part of the expected cycle of this disorder. Why do I say this? Not to be mean, but rather to encourage you to understand the reality of your situation. If you know that something bad may be coming, you can prepare for it a lot better than if you think you're all better and that its all behind you. Instead of a downturn being a major event because you feel like a relapsing failure, you can take it in a bit more stride because you can tell your mind that this is a part of the disorder and that you will be ok again. Yes, its one big mental game, and if you can convince yourself that its a temporary downturn, you've won half the battle.

 

[Deleted member 22607]

Thanks for your support. It's good to know I'm not alone. @Solara, I needed to hear that - I keep trying to convince myself that I don't have PTSD anymore, and I know I shouldn't do that. When I do accept it, I feel better, because what I'm experiencing is normal for someone with this condition. I think I should focus more on understanding and accepting than on getting better.

@Underdog, I'm not currently seeing a therapist although I'd like to. I've been looking at options and unfortunately, I can't afford one right now. I might be getting another job soon so I'll see after that. At the moment, it's just not possible.